tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57300440839038006962024-02-21T05:10:57.859-06:00Changing My BlueprintMy journey to 100 pounds lost...and beyond!ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.comBlogger244125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-8204450643947488952018-05-27T13:08:00.000-05:002018-05-27T13:15:36.983-05:00So Many Day OnesHey friends! Long overdue an update. It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least.<br />
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Last year heard from me I was about to finish the 5 weeks of T25 and do my end of the month stats. I was on a great roll! Everything was going extremely well and I felt like I had found my groove. Enter a business trip. Normally, this hasn't thrown me in the past. But the things I do now for work take MUCH more of my time and effort with preparing and planning than when I used to go in and do investigations and attend meetings. Just about everything I'm doing right now I LOVE, but it takes a considerable amount of effort and brainpower...and it's a bunch of firsts. Which means my focus is on that much more than it will be in a year once things become easier and I'm more familiar with my new role. I did pretty well nutrition wise for most of my trip, but was too exhausted, and feet hurt too bad at the end of each day to work out. The weather was also awful. Have you ever had a business trip and traveled 650 miles with it raining on you every single day? That in and of itself was a challenge, much less doing new things, facilitating and being on my feet, thinking on said feet every day. I forgot how important and balanced my working from home was when I was a traveling person before - I was able to catch up and breath some in between trips. Now it's a race to get back to the office for the next important thing. SO different. I love it. But it's so different and making me appreciate those of you who have had to go into an office all the time for years.<br />
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I also have begun to have some issues with my feet. I have what I think is the beginnings of a bunion on my left foot. A bunion! Just saying that makes me feel old, to be honest. I'm trying to wear more flat shoes and ones that aren't tight but it's tough when you also need to look presentable and professional and have super wide feet. Sigh. <br />
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So what was supposed to be week 5 was a bust exercise wise which is a really slippery slope. The mental and emotional connection between eating well and regular exercise is powerful. My weight stayed the same, but I didn't get to finish the program. I then returned home for 2 days, with company at home with us, then we left as a family for a week long trip to the beach - one where I was working and the family was enjoying the ocean and pool at the hotel. I did get to put my feet in the water a few times, and I had an incredible 4 days with two different teams, but I made some pretty poor choices foodwise. Chalk it up to exhaustion, hanging out with family who don't usually travel (so they were way excited about eating out - ha) and once again, I was so exhausted and my feet hurt so badly that I physically didn't do much besides sleep, eat and work really really hard.<br />
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Not surprisingly my body hurt MOST of the week - my left shoulder flared up, my right hip began bothering me. Dairy, sugar and grains are just NOT my friends regardless of how I'm eating. I definitely felt what I was eating every day.<br />
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It stinks not to be able to come back here and tell you that I reached my goal for May. Any progress I made I lost in 5 days. That's the challenge with any healthy lifestyle attempts. You can undo all the good progress in 4 weeks in just a few days and it will likely take me a week to normalize again.<br />
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But when I'm already feeling kind of down on myself, something I don't need to feel is that I owe someone else an explanation. I've made the decision to close my blog Facebook page. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop blogging - but over the last few years I have felt like I was having to report to other people versus reporting out on how I'm doing to my close friends and family which was my intention when I began. I originally set up my page because I was tired of posting my blog link on my personal Facebook page and people, "friends" commenting or messaging me to say that I was making them feel bad by sharing my own progress. That was back in 2010. Eight years later I feel like now that you can hide facebook "friends" from your news feed, I'm fine with people doing that, and that is their right. There's absolutely zero reason for me to keep up a separate page, feel like I HAVE to post there and give myself guilt about whether or not I'm encouraging anyone else's journey. It was like I created more work for myself to make other people happy. Silly, I know. <br />
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I have spent the last few months self-reflecting about my personality and how it might affect others following some sad realizations in relationships with people I thought I was close to. While I absolutely never want to alienate people, maybe the almost 40 year old in me is weary of people pleasing and trying to change who I am to make others more comfortable. During this time of reflection and soul searching a dear friend shared with me that I shouldn't dull my sparkle because it's shining too bright for some people. They may just need to get some shades.<br />
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Since this blogging adventure needs to be all about me, I'm totally content with it just being what it is...an online space for me to spill my guts, share the good, bad and ugly of this journey of pounds lost, gained and lost, and a place, above all else, for ME. I have never made money on it. I've never gained anything from it except some online friends and a place of accountability for myself. <br />
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This blog is for me to track my progress. It's for me to refer back to when times are hard. It's for me to see my journey and never forget where I've been on my way to where I'm going. It's for me to benefit from, and I'm SO happy that others have found inspiration here. I hope you continue to do so and I'm happy for you to be a follower and comment here on my blog. But the Facebook page piece is going to be inactive going forward. And I feel really content with that decision, and a massive sense of relief to be honest.<br />
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I will have to continue this journey for myself and make that my focus, while removing what felt like a "need" to have a blog as there were people looking for updates from me. We can communicate here through comments, etc., if we aren't "friends" in real life. I look forward to continuing to connect and share, here.<br />
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All of that said, I'm going to sign off for now and get some rest. I'm still working on figuring out what my next fitness step is - considering a 5x5 kettlebell program that I began studying last night - but since I fly to California for most of next week leaving Sunday I may wait to start it when I return home.<br />
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See you when I see you. Thank you for hanging around with me, even when I am less than inspirational as I gear myself up for yet another "day one."<br />
<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-53245768395010672692018-05-05T12:59:00.001-05:002018-05-05T12:59:16.729-05:00Week 4 Complete!<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Heyyy! It’s time to check in from my first week with an actual written out goal AND plan! I've completed Week 4, and would have blogged sooner, except I have traveled the last two weekends, so just did brief updates on my Facebook page. So, here is the full update!</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Let’s review:</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Long range goal - Lose 80 more pounds (total of 100 pounds) by my 40th birthday (3/1/19). Short range goal: Lose 7.5 pounds per month.</span></span><br />
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Track my food until I am fully confident I don't need to (aka, can go a day or two or week or two with no weight gain). <i>UPDATE: tracked *almost* every day the past 4 weeks! I'm giving myself Saturdays off from tracking but still being wise about my choices. I know tracking my macros is paying off - had to make some adjustments this week but I feel like I've found my sweet spot! More on that later...</i></span></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Plan my meals weekly, doing some meal prep with the family so we all have healthy options available that stay within budget. <i> UPDATE: Have done really well for all 4 weeks! The travel weeks got a little hairy but I made sure to be conscious of my decisions, while also not being hard on myself. Last week I fasted 24 hours at one point, not really on purpose but because I couldn't stomach any airport food and by the time I got home (midnight) I was so tired I crashed! </i></span></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Test for ketones daily until my results stay consistent. <i>UPDATE: I stopped tracking this every day because I stay around the same in ketones, and as long as I keep eating this way, I am in ketosis. PLUS - being in ketosis DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY GUARANTEE FAT LOSS! More on that later in the blog...</i></span></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Begin the T25 workout program as prescribed, following the modifier and taking rest breaks as needed until I don't have to. The Alpha program is 5 weeks and begins tomorrow 4/9/18. <i>UPDATE: finished week 4! This week I was able to do burpees again! And some of the ab stuff I couldn't do in week 1! It's so exciting to see progress. </i></span></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Participate in STATurday, where I measure my progress and report it on my blog sometime each weekend. <i>UPDATE: weighed in this morning - EEEEEEK! Can't wait to share - keep reading.</i></span></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;"> Plan ahead a few days when I may not stay in ketosis. Such as Wyatt's birthday next weekend, or when we travel two weekends in a row at the end of the month. Be flexible, but firm with myself and don't allow my workouts to suffer due to poor choices (which means they will be limited!). <i>UPDATE: I have Stephen's birthday tomorrow - but I'm feeling so strong that I am not sure I'll partake in anything that would cause weight gain. We shall see. I feel zero pressure either way! My family had desserts from two different places last night and I abstained and it didn't even bother me! Super happy about the headspace I'm in right now.</i></span></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Plan to reach out to my fitness mentors and friends when the days or weeks are challenging before making a less than helpful decision. <i>UPDATE: Kept up with a few of my BFFs who are also working their fitness goals. It's so motivating to keep each other on track!</i></span></li>
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So a few things to talk more about: My macros, ketones and actual week 4 results!<br />
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This week I decided to give the ketogains macros a try (https://ketogains.com/) I follow these guys on FB and the group is pretty hard core but the results they put up are incredible. The actual calories are a little lower than I am used to, but I figured I would see how I felt for a few days. They are 1100 calories total - 8% carb, 62% fat, 30% protein. I added a few hundred calories just for good measure - and because 1100 scares me - but let's face it, I have alot of fat to lose. I figured taking it up a few hundred but keeping the % the same may still work. My test would be, how do I feel, and do I actually lose weight or do I stall because it's not enough nutrition.<br />
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At the same time, I have been toying with intermittent fasting, and decided to dive in because I felt so good doing a 16/8 eating window (fast for 16 hours, eat during an 8 hour window) and it really seemed easy. My issue was, it was tough to hit my protein goal in such a short window. So, I added a protein shake with a cup of coconut milk, ice, water and Primal Kitchen Collagen protein (chocolate coconut flavor). Two scoops pack a good protein smack without adding fat or a ton of calories/carbs. This made a HUGE difference this week I think, with hunger too. Having just black coffee in the morning, then eating lunch was fine, but by the time I would be cooking dinner I was ravenous - so this shake is my pre-dinner snack and it's been exactly what I needed, and it tastes fantastic so that's a huge bonus.<br />
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Immediately I saw something shift on the scale and on my body. I went anywhere between 1250 - 1580 calories this week, with my macros percentages being right on target (8% carb, 62% fat, 30% protein) and ate alot less dairy this week as well (sad face but seriously cheese hates me!). And BAM weight loss picked up, as well as my energy.<br />
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That brings me to chasing ketones. I've been in ketosis for WEEKS, and in and out of it since October. I mean every time I checked. I could even eat some carbs and check and my body has stayed in ketosis, or gotten back by that evening. I had a paleo pancake with chocolate chips, peanut butter and maple syrup for my first meal today about 2 hours ago (directly after weigh in LOL) and I'm juuuust under ketosis at .2 ketone level. I'm sure by tonight I'll be back in. What's my point? You can be in ketosis but not have your macros set correctly to actually lose weight. So, honestly, my last ketone strip will sit in the jar for awhile. (I do blood tests with a keto mojo meter in case you're curious). I won't be basing success on that number, or be too concerned with it anymore.<br />
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Successful HEALTHY keto is not eating all the meat/cheese and bacon you can stuff in your face and hope you lose weight...<br />
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A healthy, successful keto diet is really just a low carb version of paleo - lots of green, more protein and honestly, less fat than many keto diets prescribe. If you have fat to lose (like me!) then you DO NOT NEED high fat keto. I don't add fat to anything. I cook with it and I eat bacon but don't purposely add fat to my food afterward. It's not always necessary (unless my macros call for it which is like never lol).<br />
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That said - my grams for fat came in just under 100 per day. So I would not at all call what I'm doing a "low fat keto diet," either. The ketogains folks recommend that your protein number is a goal, carbs are a limit to stay under and fat is the lever you use to keep you satiated. For me, a girl with 70+ pounds left to lose, a great number of those fat pounds, it makes more sense to be more calculated in how I eat, especially as I heal my body from lots of less than stellar choices.<br />
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The other thing I want to mention is that there is NO ONE WAY for everyone to eat. Period. I see so many people hating on keto, trying to debunk paleo, harassing vegans, saying shakes are the only way to go...it's getting ridiculous. Just like our political and religious views, it seems people get so hung up on their current "good food word" that anything other than what they do is wrong and horrible. (insert eye roll here). <br />
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Different body types, personalities, lifestyle needs, and beliefs all play into HOW one gets themselves healthy. Heck, I'm not even doing what I did to lose the 100 pounds the first time! Read back in 2010 in my blog and you'll see that. I'm doing what is working for me, for now. And it's different at 39 than it was at 30.<br />
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<i>If you create a caloric deficit, and eat healthy, whole food, and move your body regularly you should see successful healthy weight loss. You CANNOT outrun your fork. Period.</i> <br />
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Recently, the Keto Reset Diet book by Mark Sisson was a huge help to me to find my way back to my paleo preferences and enjoy this process again. My inflammation is at an all time low, I'm sleeping GREAT, I'm losing weight steadily again and I have a ton more energy.<br />
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So. RESULTS this week? Well, since changing my macros this week, I dropped another 4.2 pounds! This is following my .2 loss last week which was meh - but because of all of the travel I gave myself some grace. This means I'm at 28.4 pounds down, or 28.4% to my overall goal! For the month since I started, I am down 8.2 pounds, so I surpassed my goal of 7.5 pounds this month!<br />
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I'm in a new "ten number" on the scale and I haven't seen this number since before Wyatt was born!<br />
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A few non-scale victories: I mentioned reduced inflammation - my joints are feeling GOOD. I found myself sitting criss cross applesauce last weekend - can't believe I can even SIT like that! My clothes are getting looser and people at work are beginning to comment on my newfound waist-line. My energy is through the roof and I'm super focused at work - incredibly productive and things are going amazingly well. <br />
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ALL GOOD THINGS!<br />
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Keep on keeping on my friends. Check in next week will include FULL stats and how many inches are lost!<br />
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Be well,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-82877573676627948222018-04-15T19:52:00.001-05:002018-04-15T19:52:30.843-05:00Week One of the PlanHeyyy! It’s time to check in from my first week with an actual written out goal AND plan!<br />
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Let’s review<br />
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Long range goal - Lose 80 more pounds (total of 100 pounds) by my 40th birthday (3/1/19). Short range goal: Lose 7.5 pounds per month.<br />
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;">Track my food until I am fully confident I don't need to (aka, can go a day or two or week or two with no weight gain). UPDATE: tracked every day this week!!! </li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;">Plan my meals weekly, doing some meal prep with the family so we all have healthy options available that stay within budget. <i> UPDATE: did great on planning this week and staying on track. Even on Friday date night I ate healthy because I knew Saturday was STATurday!</i></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;">Test for ketones daily until my results stay consistent. <i>UPDATE: been solidly in ketosis all week! (Until Wyatt’s birthday cake yesterday lol!)</i></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;">Begin the T25 workout program as prescribed, following the modifier and taking rest breaks as needed until I don't have to. The Alpha program is 5 weeks and begins tomorrow 4/9/18. <i>UPDATE: this was SO HARD but we did it! Finished week 1!</i></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;">Participate in STATurday, where I measure my progress and report it on my blog sometime each weekend. <i>UPDATE: weighed in yesterday!</i></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;"> Plan ahead a few days when I may not stay in ketosis. Such as Wyatt's birthday next weekend, or when we travel two weekends in a row at the end of the month. Be flexible, but firm with myself and don't allow my workouts to suffer due to poor choices (which means they will be limited!). <i>UPDATE: I did really well with this! As mentioned above, I made decisions on Friday nights date to stay on track knowing that being more flexible Saturday meant more to me overall. It was so worth it!! I definitely had a carb hangover this morning but I got my ish back together by lunchtime and am happy with how I handled it. </i></li>
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<li style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0.25em; padding: 0.25em 0px;">Plan to reach out to my fitness mentors and friends when the days or weeks are challenging before making a less than helpful decision. <i>UPDATE: I didn’t need to do this intentionally this week - but definitely kept in touch with a few folks who are also working their goals! I was motivated and thankful for all of the comments on my blog last weekend and that kept me going!</i></li>
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I’m so happy with how week 1 went! It was tough - faced more than a few challenges. Getting up early was SO HARD! That was really challenging. Then tracking my food again. Goodness I forgot that I need to make time for that! It’s also shark week so that was a fantastic time to be already tired and grumpy (sorry Husband! Lol). Thursday I had to get to a meeting an hour and a half away so we skipped that workout and did it on Friday - then we did our double Friday workout on Saturday! That worked out fine for us - and I refuse to be so inflexible that I don’t take care of myself. My body needed more rest this week versus getting up even earlier.<br />
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One thing I probably could have done was taken my advice from 2010 and made maybe one change at a time here. I changed multiple things this week and it was definitely an adjustment. I was still super successful and I know this week will be easier. But it is easier to take baby steps into this health and fitness routine rather than diving right in. My experiences from not so long ago at my goal weight tell me that I can handle it. So I did.<br />
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Oh did you want to hear my results? I lost a total of 2.8 pounds! Not bad for a tough week and shark week lol. I’m down 23 pounds of the 100...so 23% to my goal! As for my month goal, this month will be a little strange since I officially started on 4/9, but I’m still shooting for 7.5 pounds down this month. Let’s see how that plays out.<br />
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On to week 2!!! Let’s do this!<br />
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ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-18265980162449431472018-04-08T17:12:00.002-05:002018-04-08T17:15:09.258-05:00Quit Dreaming, Start DOINGThis quote has been bouncing around the packed walls of my brain today, on the tail end of one of my best weeks at work yet.<br />
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"A goal without a plan is only a dream." <i>~Brian Tracy (he is a best selling Canadian author, by the way, in the learning space so check him out for more inspiration).</i><br />
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So much has been happening personally and professionally, and honestly a great lot of it is, well, GREAT. For the first time in a long time during my 18 year career in the field of HR, I finally feel like I'm in exactly the right fit role for me, for such a time as this. My job is to build relationships that will lead to mentoring, coaching and training our leaders to be, well, better at leading others. I've learned so much in my career naturally coaching others that this role has been an easy transition from the legal, investigation filled parts of human resource life that I had begun to grow weary of. I feel privileged to have made this career change 8 months ago and this week it all came full circle when my incredibly wise boss shadowed me at a few events at one of my hospitals and wrote me the most amazing thank you note that shook me so positively I shared it with my family.<br />
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What does any of this have to do with Changing My (or your) Blueprint? Stay with me here. <br />
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This week I had the opportunity to kick off a mentoring program and talk to some incredibly talented, high performing leaders about what lay ahead for both the mentors and mentees. I thought back to the first mentors I had in my career and what they meant to me. I've thought about the many men and women who have encouraged me through my career that I give credit for my ability to coach and mentor today. I thought about the people I consider my mentors <i>right now.</i> Because even though I'm a coach of people, I still need and crave ongoing coaching so I can continue to grow. I've gleaned so much confidence from the people in my life who have unselfishly poured into me and I am so grateful and honestly, a little emotional these days when I talk about it.<br />
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One of the lessons I share pretty frequently is about the oxygen mask. When we are on an airplane, the flight attendant shows how to utilize the oxygen masks that will fall should the airplane lose pressure. They ALWAYS instruct the passengers to <i>put on their own oxygen mask first</i> before helping the person next to you. Why? Because if you pass out from lack of oxygen, guess what...you can't help anyone else. As a mother, and a woman, and a believer I struggle sometimes with the thought of this because I feel like our society has created an image of the woman who can do everything for everyone, but shouldn't need to take time for herself. And we all struggle to show that image on social media, to our co-workers, in the workplace. <br />
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But I am finding the more <i>authentically me</i> that I am, the <i>brighter</i> I allow myself to shine, and the more I share that glow of my true reality with others, <i>the stronger I become.</i><br />
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The month of March was really tough for me, physically, spiritually, and ultimately, mentally. I turned 39 years old and this is the first birthday in a long time that I have not enjoyed my birthday age. I have had these feelings of my life being half over, and have I accomplished enough? Am I doing enough? It doesn't help that I'm not in great shape physically. I had an awful ear infection with a cough that lasted well into March, and my back has also been acting up. This made my return to the gym delayed until my membership had run out. Around the same time, we decided we are going to build a house on 5 acres in the next town, which is an amazing and exciting decision, but <i>holy stress level. </i>Not rejoining the gym since my back has stayed jacked up, and I need to save every extra penny right now for the down payment. Add to that the birthday celebrations which continued for the entire month, stress eating from trying to decide on house plans, work travel that was booked pretty heftily, teaching courses I had not yet done before, and on top of that the day to day adulting that makes me appear to be a functioning human....y'all...it was a tough month.<br />
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And you know what? I didn't take time to adjust my own oxygen mask. I've been working so hard and long, rushing from here to there, traveling like a crazy person and being exhausted that I picked up a diet coke again. I know, I KNOW. It was a downhill slide from there. I would spend a few days eating keto, then a few days fully out of it. I stopped drinking water because diet coke was keeping me going.<br />
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Where did it get me? Well, fortunately to the same weight I was when the month started (phew!). I'm guessing I didn't gain because I was eating really well about half the time. But the diet coke not only awoke cravings I had buried years ago, it made me drink less water.<br />
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Enter my first UTI in all of my 39 years...while I was on a work trip. Super thankful I work in healthcare as I got meds really fast as well as home remedies and a bunch of sweet empathy from my coworkers. <br />
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Having to take antibiotics for the second time in 45 days really got my attention this week. And this morning it became crystal clear.<br />
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<i>I need to affix my oxygen mask. Now.</i><br />
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I literally dream of my former fit self. It wasn't that long ago. Just yesterday when texting with a friend we were comparing to our former athletic selves and I wasn't the athlete in high school that I was at 35! Just 4 short years ago I could literally run absolute circles around my own self. Yes, a great many things happened over the last few years to give me great <i>reasons</i> to be unfit right now. But the problem occurs <i>when I allow these reasons to become excuses.</i><br />
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<i>No more excuses.</i><br />
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Because <i>a goal without a plan is just a dream. </i>And while I love to sleep, I'm done dreaming about where I once was or where I want to be. <br />
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There is no good reason someone who has set such challenging work goals, and is smashing them left and right, can't reach her own fitness potential again. There is no good reason I can't make good food choices most of the time. There is no good reason to be sedentary, when I own enough equipment and workout programs to work out on my own. There is no reason I can't take 30 minutes a week to blog about my progress, no matter how great or small. <br />
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The ONLY reason is that I have yet to create actual GOALS that have PLANS to back them up.<br />
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<i>I'm done dreaming.</i><br />
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So here is my fitness Goal & the Plan that's gonna get me there:<br />
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Long Range Goal: Lose 80 pounds by my 40th birthday (3/1/19). That is almost 11 months from now.<br />
Short Range Goal: Lose 7.5 pounds a month<br />
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PLANS in place to reach my goal:<br />
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<li>Track my food until I am fully confident I don't need to (aka, can go a day or two or week or two with no weight gain). </li>
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<li>Plan my meals weekly, doing some meal prep with the family so we all have healthy options available that stay within budget.</li>
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<li>Test for ketones daily until my results stay consistent.</li>
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<li>Begin the T25 workout program as prescribed, following the modifier and taking rest breaks as needed until I don't have to. The Alpha program is 5 weeks and begins tomorrow 4/9/18. </li>
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<li>Participate in STATurday, where I measure my progress and report it on my blog sometime each weekend. </li>
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<li> Plan ahead a few days when I may not stay in ketosis. Such as Wyatt's birthday next weekend, or when we travel two weekends in a row at the end of the month. Be flexible, but firm with myself and don't allow my workouts to suffer due to poor choices (which means they will be limited!). </li>
</ul>
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<li>Plan to reach out to my fitness mentors and friends when the days or weeks are challenging before making a less than helpful decision. </li>
</ul>
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Thankfully my "week 1" for this new Goal is an office week, so only day travel later this week. It's also the week we will be hopefully signing the final plans and contract on the house, then beginning to pick out all of the amazing details of our new home. <br />
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I'm ready to quit dreaming...and start DOING! Can't wait to see what amazing successes I will be sharing each week.<br />
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Thankful you're here with me.<br />
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Be well,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-6301337695521743612018-01-27T09:58:00.000-06:002018-01-27T09:58:30.241-06:00One Pound at a Time <div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Happy weigh in day! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">As of today I’m 20.2 pounds down since October 8th. Yeah it’s not flying off...but it’s coming off and that’s what matters. Especially during a time of year when most people gained (holidays, or have already given up on 2018 (failed resolutions). </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I haven’t felt well this week, like I’m fighting something off, so I didn’t workout like I normally do. I listened to my body and it said rest. So, I rested. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This didn’t give me reason to just give up and eat whatever while also not exercising. If you’ve been with me any length of time you know that’s unfortunately normal for me. Instead I ate well and I fasted quite a bit as well, mainly because I had no appetite and because, being fat adapted, I can. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This journey to better health is not easy but it IS possible and doable. It all comes down to staying with whatever way of eating that works for you long term and celebrating small victories along the way. </span></div>
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While the “big picture” is important, I think sometimes we focus too much on it, and that can be a derailer. We lose sight of the finite details that, when mashed together, make up our successes and failures. Without the details, what’s left? No progress. </div>
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For example, my big picture, long range goal is to lose 100 pounds again. That is SO DAUNTING when you say it out loud. Exhausting even. </div>
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But when I drill down to the detail of what I have accomplished so far, 20.2 pounds lost, this means that I am 20% DONE with that huge goal. </div>
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TWENTY PERCENT! That’s nothing to shake a turkey leg at. That is 1/5th of the way toward my goal. That is a significant number to me, today. </div>
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We also tend to look at HOW LONG everything may take and decide it’s just too long and too hard. Well, I am glad that over 3 months ago I decided enough is enough with my health. Had I not gotten serious when I did, I wonder how much I would have gained this holiday season? I shudder at the thought. </div>
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Let’s step outside of the health realm for a moment and into a financial angle. We have goals this summer of buying a house, so we are saving up as much as we can for a down payment while also trying to clear up a few debts that are left. We follow Dave Ramsey and are hitting the baby steps hard right now. It’s so difficult to save the amount of money we need to have saved by this summer. But we are working on it one step at a time, and one dollar at a time. </div>
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If I decided right now that it would be too hard, what would be the point of trying?</div>
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<i>Whether you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you’re right. -Henry Ford</i></div>
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Mr. Ford had the right idea here. When it comes to important goals, stretch goals, we have to focus on the big picture, AND the details. We have to plan, and we have to believe we will meet our goals. </div>
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Because a year from today, I plan to be blogging from our new home, another 80+ pounds lighter. Where do you plan to be? </div>
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You can do more than you ever thought possible. How do I know? I’m doing it again!</div>
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Hugs,</div>
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Clara </div>
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ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-57304252810761937632018-01-15T16:19:00.005-06:002018-01-15T16:19:38.575-06:00Keep Moving ForwardHey world! It's been a solid few months since I have written here, though I have thought about it often. I'm thankful for having a day off from work to do a few things here and there, catching you up on my fitspiration included!<br />
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I'm now in my 14th week of Keto! Very happy to report that I have lost 17.6 pounds in that 14 weeks. It's not as astounding as one might expect when you have around 100 pounds to lose...but I'm pretty darn happy about it, considering there were THREE holidays during that time that revolve around Candy, Pie and Christmas cookies. A time of year when some gain 10-20 pounds, I lost 17.6! Not too shabby.<br />
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It has been a little bit of a slower go than I anticipated, but it also takes awhile for your body to adjust to a new way of eating, in addition to your mindset. I jumped into keto loving ALL the cheeses and have realized that, just like in the past, cheese is NOT my friend when I'm trying to lose weight. SUUUUUCH a bummer but honestly, I am not surprised at all. I mean, I could have read through my own old blog posts to remember that cheese caused bloating, weight gain, etc for me. Sigh. It was fun while it lasted, even if it was a tough change to make. <br />
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That said, I gave up cheese for the first two weeks of the year. Decided to test some with cauliflour pizza this weekend (I get my crusts <a href="https://www.califlourfoods.com/">HERE</a>, I am certain I could make it but who has time? lol). Anyway topped with some of my own homemade sauce and fresh full fat mozzarella and pepperoni. It was GOOD. And I paid for it for about 24 hours following. Oh well. Maybe small amounts or certain cheeses will be ok, occasionally. For now, though, I'm perfectly content with taking a step back from the dairy, once again.<br />
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I've also discovered a few interesting things about Intermittent Fasting. I stalled out weight loss wise which may be around the time I admitted cheese hates me...but also I had been fasting daily until lunchtime. I also began working out in December. So I had to tweak a little bit because of that, as well.<br />
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I stalled out a tiny bit in the last 4 weeks because of the workouts and figuring out a new normal. I SEE the physical changes in the mirror but the scale was like NOPE. lol! I also went through something super fun where my scale one day said I had lost like 8lbs! I was sooo excited until I got back on it and it had gone back up again...it needed new batteries. Probably the cruelest low battery malfunction! I was not a happy camper.<br />
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So I hired a Nutritional Therapist for a review of what I was doing, who specializes in keto/primal/paleo and had a great consult over the phone. He reviewed where I am right now, my entire health history, and made some recommendations. I implemented his recommendations this week and dropped 2lbs. One change was to eat lower carb and only do intermittent fasting on those days I'm not exercising, so like 30g carbs on those days. And on my lifting days, do 50g carb, higher calories and specifically time carbs for just after my workout - which is perfect for me because it's in the evening.<br />
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I literally ate this after my workout Friday night and was 2 pounds down Saturday morning, 4 eggs, 4 slices of bacon, a link of apple chicken sausage, half an avocado and homemade hash browns:<br />
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Yeah, I can do this. :)<br />
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The gym - I'm so super stoked about my new workout place. It's about 3 miles from my house and is called Boot Camp Training & Fitness. I started off doing Kettlebell classes 3 times a week and Boot Camp a few times as well. Well, my back has told me to back off a little bit, so I'm reducing to Kettlebell M/W/F and then one day of something else, either at the gym or on my own. I eventually can do 5 days a week, I'm sure, but I have to remember I'm in a soon to be 39 year old 269 pound body so....yeah it will take me some time! And I have time.<br />
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Yesterday the extra workout was sprints at our favorite park, which is only first the first half, then we hike the rest of the trail. It's this gorgeous park in our neighborhood, with a beautiful walking/biking/running trail by a lake. L and I were doing our second sprint when we realized we were going to pass a group of military guys in camo doing a workout of their own. I decided we would make this a longer sprint so we didn't stop to walk right in front of them...and as I was being pleasant and saying good morning, I managed to find a tree root and do a complete face plant! Yep, some things never change.<br />
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Positives - only injury is surface, like the skin on my entire knee...also I jumped back up quickly AND the military group did NOT see me fall, no damage to my cell phone that went flying as well, and I finished the workout (more sprints then a hike, another 2.25 miles).<br />
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Negative - ripped my running pants in the knee, scraped the entire skin off of said knee, which is really super annoying, and it's cold out so really hard to cover up a gooey knee constantly. Sheesh.<br />
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I have so much more to tell you, but I'm about to leave for my kettlebell class, so I'll leave you with this. I'm making progress. One step at a time. It's happening, albeit slowly, but it's happening. I feel SO MUCH BETTER now than I did a few months ago. The weight isn't falling off, but it's coming off, which is the same result, just requires me to be a little more patient that I would like to be. My mobility and strength IS coming back, slowly but surely. This is all amazing progress.<br />
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And to close in the words of the person who is responsible for so much progress in our culture's history:<br />
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">keep moving forward</b></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><i>.”</i> -</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Martin Luther King</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> Jr. </span><br />
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I'm going to keep moving forward. How about you?<br />
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ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-11018600559722905162017-10-21T12:21:00.001-05:002017-10-21T12:21:30.853-05:00New Places & Head SpacesHey world! What a crazy month it has been.<br />
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We moved 3 weeks ago! Hard to believe it's been that long. We also fought a stomach bug and had to eat out for 10 days. Let's just say I lost my first diet bet - but I'm really glad I did it because I can't imagine how bad off I would have been after the move had I not been focused on something positive for the three weeks prior.<br />
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It's funny when your diet changes how much your mood changes, which I definitely felt during the move time. Goodness eating out that much is expensive, too. <br />
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We are just about fully settled in and finding some sort of groove to life in this new town. Exploring some, making friends, discovering cool things about the city and...this amazing thing I seemed to have forgotten about for awhile - COOKING!<br />
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We have a decent size kitchen in the little house we are renting. The commute to work is super easy, its 5 miles away and traffic isn't too terrible even though I'm working in the heart of downtown. We are enjoying hunting for our dream house (not terribly earnestly now, just seeing what is around) and figuring out where things are.<br />
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Y'all. I can get to 2 Publixs within 3 miles. This is big. There's also a Whole Foods here! And 3 Ross Stores. And 2-3 TJ Maxx's. And 2 Kohls. LOL! Ask me how I know. Driving around alot.<br />
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If you've stayed with me for any length of my journey you will know that my preferred method of eating is paleo. I love meat and veggies, fruit, healthy fat and volume, most of all. Paleo is how I ate when I was training regularly and at my strongest and fittest. I've struggled to find my way back there as I knew I wasn't ready for a Whole 30 per se but also knew I needed to do something with some structure in order to find my way back to healthy. It's not like turning around and going back the way you came when behind me is an angel baby, a rainbow baby, a job change, two moves and a year of providing complete nutrition to my baby boy. I can't walk backwards. But I can pull from my past experience to move ahead positively.<br />
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While I have loved my very different Whole 30 experiences (I've completed 10 total), I also know that sometimes you have to shake it up a bit.<br />
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I had been reading about ketosis and the effects of a higher fat, moderate protein, super low carb way of eating and it really peaked my interest. What's important, now matter how you choose to eat, which "way" needs to include food you LIKE. A grilled chicken and broccoli diet (even though I do love both of those things) if you don't like them, isn't sustainable. The more I read and researched about Ketosis, the more I wondered if it would do for me what it's done and is doing for a great many people.<br />
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Like many things, people sometimes take a "fad" diet or idea that becomes popular and take off down the trails doing it, well, incorrectly. I found that Mark Sisson, the author of Primal Blueprint and many other books, a long time athlete and leader in the Paleo/Primal arena, was writing a book called the Keto Reset Diet to really explain the science behind the Keto way of eating and how to do it correctly.<br />
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Some of the benefits that others have found getting into Ketosis:<br />
- Lost weight (considerable amounts)<br />
- Less hungry overall<br />
- More energy<br />
- More alert<br />
- Sleeping better<br />
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And the list goes on. I need all of those things. But I was skeptical, really, because a high fat diet goes against everything we've been taught in the Standard American Diet (or SAD) protocols. Old habits die hard! I was also skeptical because I've always been a volume eater. I like to be able to eat alot and need to in order to be satiated. I heard about people fasting and I'm like, look, I CAN do that but I don't want to so this should be interesting...<br />
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What I have learned is that fat in and of itself (especially good fat from whole food/natural sources) doesn't make you fat. Fast food, does. Inactivity, does. The wrong combinations and not enough nutrients can, and will make you feel sick. The goal is not to always have to be super restrictive with carbohydrates. Mark explains in his book that the goal is to become metabolically flexible. Where you can have things outside of your normal diet here and there without gaining 10 pounds (my normal experience with cheat days and post whole 30 etc). <br />
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So 2 weeks ago I began a metabolic reset diet which has a target of 50g of carbs or less per day.<br />
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Y'all. That's REALLY HARD. Eventually many experience ketosis on 20g or less of carbs per day. I'm not sure how I will do that when 50 is hard to stay under. LOL! But heck, I decided to give it a try.<br />
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I've kept my calories around 1800-1900 with a ratio of 65% fat, 25% protein and 10% carb. I started at 286.6 pounds, so yeah, my calories are higher than your average friend. Don't get all caught up on the numbers. I tracked around 4 days of the last two weeks, just every now and then to see how I was doing.<br />
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Here's what I've experienced so far:<br />
- Lost 9.6 pounds (in 13 days)<br />
- I look different. My body shape is changing.<br />
- Sleeping much harder.<br />
- Skin is 100% clear and has a healthy glow about it.<br />
- More alert and awake at work, extra productive.<br />
- Amazingly satiated and rarely hungry. <br />
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Friends, I'm actually fasting through breakfast on most days. I may have some black coffee or if I wake a little hungry I have some bulletproof coffee (for me that's a tbsp of butter, coconut oil or coconut butter and a tablespoon of collagen blended up). There are different schools of thought on whether or not the BPC actually breaks a fast, but I am really enjoying it most days. I did not intend to fast, but have found it easier with my work schedule. Then I eat my lunch at the regular lunch time, sometimes a snack in the afternoon (raw cashews are my current jam), dinner, and am done eating by 7:30pm or 8pm at the latest. Then a 15-17 hour fast until the next day's meal. So my eating window is 7-9 hours total.<br />
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I'm not certain how much the diet change or intermittent fasting, or what is contributing to the great results so far, but I feel really good and really, truly love what I'm eating, so I'm going to keep on going. I've been trying new recipes and entertaining dairy again in my diet (so weird but it fits) and my family has really enjoyed my cooking. I will likely tweak the fasting, and my carbs will likely fluctuate as my activity increases, as well. <br />
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I walked 3 times this week! Considering I battled a migraine one night this week out of nowhere, I am pretty happy with that. Hoping to walk more next week.<br />
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Head on over to my Facebook page for a few food pictures from the week. And you can learn more about the Keto Reset by joining the Facebook group, buying Mark's book, the Keto Reset Diet, and also Mark's Daily apple, his blog.<br />
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In the meantime, no matter what way of eating you're embracing right now I hope you are loving it, it's loving you, and you find yourself in a good head space. I'm liking my current headspace, very much.<br />
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Hugs,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-68673570752020515302017-09-03T16:55:00.001-05:002017-09-03T16:55:36.027-05:00Food & Mood...Wanna Bet?Hey hey! Hope everyone has had a good week. My week was insane but very positive, overall.<br />
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Here's a recap:<br />
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Met with my new doctor on Tuesday and went through the medical history (was a really long appointment - ha!) and we agreed on blood work and scheduled me to come back and get it done on Friday (when fasting). <br />
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During the appointment he pointed out my BMI and that it wasn't good. He actually said "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings." I laughed and said, "No worries, that's why I am here." <br />
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At one point he offered surgery but I declined and told him I also wouldn't be taking any medication if I could help it. Thankfully my blood pressure is somehow amazing (116/73) even at this weight. I explained that I had lost 100 pounds before and kept it off for years, then the two pregnancies back to back, depression and a long time of not taking care of myself landed me here. Again. <br />
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So, yeah, I'm not going to take a pill or have surgery.<br />
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I'm going to look over these blood work results with him this coming Friday and continue moving forward in this process of saving my own life (again).<br />
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I'm going to do what I KNOW to do. <br />
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THANK YOU to the many who reached out to me by either calling, texting, or sending me a message on Facebook. I enjoyed catching up and covet your encouragement - and want to give it in return, as well. It was a joy to get such a response to being so brutally honest with you all. <br />
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The week consisted of alot of travel and time in the car. I did really well with food. Not stellar paleo but solidly primal with a few small questionable things here and there. <br />
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Overall, a few BIG wins this week:<br />
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<li>No French fries or burgers or milkshakes from drive through windows</li>
<li>No dessert of any kind while I was traveling</li>
<li>No diet cokes!</li>
<li>I took the stairs almost every time in the hotel vs. using the elevator.</li>
<li>I walked MILES through our hospitals touring them</li>
<li>I made GOOD choices MOST of the time.</li>
<li>You may have seen I enjoyed an ice cold kombucha and raspberries on my drive home Friday. I really really wanted a "treat" and this was the treat I chose!</li>
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It wasn't my BEST week in my history of amazing travel weeks, by any stretch. But that would be comparing to another time in my life. </div>
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For me, right now, with my NEW job, upcoming move, weekly travel and overall crazy schedule... </div>
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I did REALLY WELL!</div>
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And I feel incredibly satisfied with my progress. I managed to lose 4.4 pounds this week. </div>
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Two other things I have to tell you - first, I committed to an official DietBet for the first time. If you've not heard of it, it's basically a game where you pledge a certain amount of money (in this case $35) and in the four weeks of its duration you have to lose 4% of your body weight in order to earn your $35 back. This, for me, comes out to about 11 pounds. I'm already 4.4 pounds on my way, or 39% done. This DietBet is sponsored by Courtney Crozier Respess, former BL contestant. She's a super positive person and I've followed her for years. </div>
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This is about as gimmicky as I'll get with weight loss - and it's not even really gimmicky. It's just a challenge to myself to earn my money back. I did one with my church group online and totally wasn't ready. I'll probably do another one with them as well simultaneously. Because what's more motivating then getting your investment back? Ha. Being healthy, obviously. </div>
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It just seemed like something fun to try. It definitely has made me think twice when ordering while traveling this week! Will keep you all updated. Week 1 done!</div>
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The other thing I wanted to tell you about was how Food & Mood are connected for me. I've heard my hubby and daughter say before that I'm in a better mood when I eat better. Yesterday, L expanded on that for me while we were driving. We had a moment where we had finished shopping and were both super hungry. I had salmon at home and had already decided I wanted that with green beans for dinner. But here we were, needing to stop at the grocery store still, starving and it was 7pm, AND then still had a half hour drive home then had to cook. We talked through a few options but I told her I just wasn't strong enough at this point to go to an unplanned dinner out. I would likely make bad choices. Plus, we didn't need to spend the extra money when we had a ton of food at home. </div>
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She agreed and told me in the car that I'm nicer when I am eating well. She said, well while you're eating good food you're pretty much always in a good mood. When you eat something "bad" you tend to be in a good mood right then, but soon you're feeling guilty or sick and then you're grumpy.</div>
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Wow. </div>
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I didn't realize how much food was controlling my moods. Makes sense, though. </div>
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So we jetted home and I made amazing salmon and green beans for dinner with toasted almonds. It was SO GOOD. And this morning woke up lighter and without a tummy ache.</div>
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Now I'm off to make some potato soup with chicken (and bacon and broccoli - in coconut milk) and will be having some company later. I'm excited to catch up with my friends and focused more on that than the food.</div>
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This week I'm going to bring my sneakers with me and try to walk at the hotel if I can. I should be able to make time as I'm checking into one hotel and staying for the rest of the week. That plus water and continuing to make the best choices I can are on the docket. I mean, I gotta win that money back! </div>
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Have a healthy week!</div>
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Clara</div>
ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-1364567562513358482017-08-27T18:46:00.003-05:002017-08-27T18:46:25.377-05:00Traveling Light No MoreLook, I'm just going to get SUPER real with you today. Like embarrassingly so.<br />
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Let me be super clear, <b>I'm NOT looking for anyone to do any of the following</b>:<br />
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<li><i>Argue with me that I'm not fat.</i> It's the thing your sweet friends do when they want to make you feel better. Tell you you're not fat. Dude. I'm fat. Right now I truly am. Trust me, I know. I'm not attempting to be brash, really, but I feel like I'm allowed to use that word in my current state of fatness, so let's go ahead and be OK with me a) calling it like it is and b) not looking to be coddled.</li>
<li><i>Get upset with me for how direct I'm going to be.</i> Listen, I've been on BOTH sides of this journey. I know what it's like to be fit and fat. So I'm going to talk very directly about this. Please do not continue reading this blog if you aren't going to be OK with that. This is really for me, anyway. I'm NOT talking about anyone else. I'm NOT talking to you. If you take something from it and feel this applies to you, great, I hope it helps. But I'm not poking fun at anyone. I'm being super real here.</li>
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All of that said, here goes.</div>
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I do want to start by saying my week was AMAZING overall. I really truly enjoyed meeting this new amazing team of people doing some incredible work at my new company. Part of me is marveling at the fact that I did, in fact, land this job at the heaviest weight I've ever been. Either my thanks goes to my LLR wardrobe and/or these people are amazing and do not judge you by your exterior. I'm going with the latter.</div>
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Traveling as a fat person is AWFUL. Like I don't even know how to tell you how awful it is without just plainly recapping the travel part of my last week. </div>
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So if you've been here for awhile you remember a blog post I had some years back when I shared a picture of my airplane seatbelt buckling for the first time following some weight loss. This was so amazing. I used to hide the seatbelt under my jacket so no one could see it wasn't, in fact, buckled while flying. </div>
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For some reason I don't remember traveling much at this weight, at least not air travel. Then as I really thought about it I realized, <i>I didn't really fly much at this weight before. </i>Not something I had realized or planned for, mentally. This was almost like a new experience all over again. Not one of my better ones, either.</div>
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I prayed on my way to the airport last Tuesday that I wouldn't have anyone in the seat next to me. Because I definitely take up more room than I should right now. Thankfully, on my first flight it was a newer small plane, so I could actually somehow buckle the seatbelt, and the guy next to me was tall and slim so it worked. No body parts touching. Relief! He was very pleasant to talk to, as well.</div>
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My second flight I was again on the aisle, which isn't preferable as you kind of have to hold your body upright in order to not get dinged by the cart when it rolls by. This plane was smaller and I could not buckle the seatbelt easily. I sat next to a tiny person so that was super helpful. </div>
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The other thing to consider is that using the restroom on the airplane is tough for ANYONE. It's that much harder at this weight. So I was determined in my two short flights to not need the potty. Which was great until we were diverted to another airport to land and refuel (because someone whiffed on gassing up the plane???). This took over an hour. I thought maybe I would deplane and rent a car but decided driving myself through the mountains wasn't a good idea. I contemplated getting up to go to the restroom but then remembered how humiliating it would be and decided against it.</div>
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Very bad decision.</div>
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By the time we took off again we weren't even in the air long enough to get out of our seats much less for a restroom break. I started to sweat realizing I had to pee really badly. Like so badly my goosebumps had goosebumps and I was having chills. At one point after we took off the cabin pressure felt strange to me. I began feeling like I couldn't breathe and was certain the oxygen masks were going to drop at any moment. My heart was racing. I glanced around panicked and everyone else looked FINE. So I realized this was me. And this, I believe, was my first official panic attack. Oh, great. I was in row 23 which means once we finally DID land and taxi'd around what felt like the entire airplane parking lot, I was actually in pain and still a really long time from deplaning. I tried to calm myself down the best I could and breathe and not fully panic. It's funny once the seatbelt sign turns off, it just means you can get up but the door to the plane is still closed, so....where you are going, I don't know. But everyone gets up. My bladder was legit throbbing at this point, and I really wondered if I would pass out. Then the woman in the seat in front of me gets her purse strap caught and it takes others helping her get uncaught. Like 5 minutes of trying to get out of her freaking seat. When I was finally able to get up, I moved as fast as this tail can move right now and made it somehow to the restroom. </div>
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Look, this could happen to anyone. But I'm here to tell you that I have never, ever had a panic attack. And I firmly believe that my size and weight had me so uncomfortable that even breathing was a chore, so combine that with feeling my bladder may explode and I honestly felt like I was going to pass out. </div>
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This has all been contributing to the continued realization of what things NEED to change. It's not like I don't know that they need to change. Trust me, I do. But this trip was SO HARD physically on me that it really grabbed my attention. I actually slept through a good portion of Saturday. In fairness I arrived home at 10pm (after landing I had a 90 minute drive home), and it was a crazy exhausting week, but I went back to bed for a morning nap, took an afternoon/evening nap and then went to bed early. I was so completely and utterly physically wiped out. This is not the normal I once enjoyed.</div>
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Other notable challenges while traveling: </div>
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<li>My feet hurt BAD no matter what shoes I'm wearing once I've been on them for a day. All of this walking around is not easy when you're larger. My ankles were swollen and my skin felt tight every day. The most comfortable shoes I owned gave me blisters. It's not the shoes' fault. It's my size.</li>
<li>I tried to bring limited clothes etc. to save the company some money on checking my bag. Bad idea. Thankfully I had JUST enough outfits for the week but I would have felt better with a few more options.</li>
<li>I had to divert to a different chair in a restaurant because I saw the ones on the outside row of the table and I definitely do NOT fit in these chairs. I took the booth side. You have to be so much more observant but also don't want to make a huge deal of things as it's all quite embarrassing. </li>
<li>I met so many fit people this week. I know they don't know I was once their size. Not that many years ago, in fact. But they met me as fat Clara so that is how they know me, and that is the first impression I made on them. I will not assume the worst, that people would have made judgments about me. But I was sitting there judging me. Thankful that I fit into the conference room chairs.</li>
<li>I was too tired after a day of being out, about and "on" to walk a block or two to dinner. I ate at the hotel the other two nights I was there.</li>
<li>My feet hurt too badly to do the workout video I brought with me. And I wasn't on the first floor anyway so there is no way I could have done that without the front desk calling me for a noise complaint (and this happened to me by the way when I was fit - so you just don't work out unless you're on the first floor).</li>
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I remember when I was fit and would travel and saw overweight people in the airport, or anywhere, I felt genuinely sorry for them and it always tugged at my heart. I remembered how hard it was to maneuver through tight spaces myself. I remembered how you felt everyone was looking at you, and no one was looking at you at the same time. How people avoided eye contact with you. It's almost like others are embarrassed for you and if they pretend you are invisible, it's just better for everyone. I would pray for these souls when I saw them, for their health, and for their hearts. </div>
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Man I hope someone prayed for me this week in that same way. I really really missed Fit Clara while I was huffing and puffing my way through the airport.</div>
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So this week was the best of times and the worst of times, right? I am elated at my new position, new team, new company. But I am frustrated that it will be awhile before I can be truly comfortable when flying. And part of me is also hopeful that in my monthly visits to the corporate office over the next few months that I will slowly begin shrinking before their very eyes. </div>
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All of that explained, fat Clara is making a doctor's appointment for sometime hopefully in the very near future. I'm shooting for this week or next, but also realize that I don't have a primary care doctor, so I may have to wait. I need a physical and bloodwork which I am sure will tell me what I already know. I'm in <i>actual physical danger </i>here, and things MUST change. I can't imagine my heart is very healthy at this moment. I know the strain my body is under just existing hurts as is. Maybe the numbers will continue to propel me forward in this fight to find fit Clara. Maybe the threat of medication will be "enough" for me to be fully committed and motivated, and actually deep down believe that I will once again lose this weight, this time FOREVER. </div>
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Thanks for following my story, on the good days and the not so good days. I'm determined to make this a better week and finish this year stronger, healthier and better. </div>
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This isn't just about airplanes, anxiety or being supremely embarrassed. This is about NOT DYING because I didn't take good care of myself. </div>
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I'm committed to saving my own life, again. I need to be. I need to keep talking about it and blogging about it until it starts to shape my reality. As the pieces continue to fall into place over the next month of transition I can feel a storm of commitment brewing and I'm believing it's chock full of discipline, motivation, and all the mojo in the world. I have to believe that.</div>
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I have to believe. I'm not alone. Love this song by the way <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKK130u2uGA">I Have to Believe by Rita Springer</a> </div>
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Who's with me?</div>
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Clara</div>
ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-28580894827007700152017-08-19T14:37:00.002-05:002017-08-19T18:35:58.698-05:00I'm Not Who I Was...Gosh SO much has happened since my last post in April!! Quick update...I DID finish that Whole 30. It went well! And then I allowed myself to get too busy to make healthy eating a priority, yada, yada, yada.<br /><br />Me and mud mountain? Bffs. Again.<br /><br />I always learn stuff though, ya know? Every difficult situation I'm faced with seems to end with me going "oooooohhhhh...that makes sense." Sometimes I'm rolling my eyes at myself, trust me. But much of the time, I also try to extend some grace to myself, because I know how important, yet against human nature, that can be. It's much easier to make fun of yourself, be self-deprecating, and scoop another bowl of ice cream while I wait for myself to get my act together. Because, obviously, at some point, I just will, right?<br /><br />Yeah, nope. That's not how it works.<br /><br />I stumbled across that amazing nugget of a truth bomb this past week when my Facebook Memories (a blessing and a curse, really) reminded me of a time just a few short years ago where I had a no excuses approach to my fitness regime.<br /><br /><i><b> "Can't vs won't. Don't tell me you can't do this healthy lifestyle thing or you don't have time or its too hard. I absolutely won't believe you. Just look at what I have done and am doing! It's doable folks. A healthy lifestyle needs to be a priority. Even being a mommy, super busy traveling career person, and preachers wife in my case. It's not only doable it makes you better at all the other jobs you have. So don't say can't. At least not to me."</b></i><br /><br />I wrote that on August 17th, 2013. Almost exactly 4 years ago. So, yes, a blessing and a curse to see how AWESOME I was doing then, and how pitifully I've been doing now. The "grace" part of me reminds myself that I created two humans, and sustained ones life for a year, in the last 2 years. That I have been working my busy corporate job and running a super successful side business. That I'm older and more tired than I was back then.<br /><br /> But if I'm being SUPER honest with myself...a great bit of that grace has turned into excuses at this point. And my own self, from 4 years ago, smacked my 2017 self upside the head with that this week. It stung a little, if I'm being honest. But also brought the last few months full circle. Let me explain.<br /><br /> If we roll the clock back a few months here, let me divert your attention away from my waistline to tell you about some other HUGE news....I was offered an AMAZING new corporate job opportunity with a hospital company in their division office. I start this coming Monday! We will be moving to Tallahassee in early October as that is where my office will be. A few massive amazing changes are that I will be focusing on organizational development (the WAY more fun side of human resources) and my travel footprint will be much, much smaller. I also am joining an incredibly stable company with a ton of growth opportunity. Very sad to leave my current role and teams, but equally excited about this new adventure. So, yes, lots of big changes coming up and FAST.<br /><br /> So after deciding to leave BKD and start this new adventure I had some other major decisions come about. A few weeks ago it was a Tuesday morning and I was drinking my coffee in my recliner contemplating the day. It was a work from home day. I had packages to do from the weekend's sales over my lunch break for my LuLa biz and frankly, had been putting them off. I was tired, weary, and suddenly had a HUGE catharsis. <br /><br /> What things am I doing to prevent myself from reaching my health goals?<br /><br />My LuLaRoe business. I like it. It's fun. I love the clothes. It's profitable. I'm good at it. BUT. It takes up ALL of my spare time aside from work. My kids miss me. My husband supports me but worries about me when I'm up late into the night answering questions or perfecting packages. We eat out alot. While I can technically work from my living room I'm still actually absent when glued to my phone. When you're good at selling LuLaRoe you're slammed busy. That was me. Really good at it. But really really busy.<br /><br /><i><b> Sometimes, we aren't meant to do something just because we are good at it. </b></i><div>
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<i><b>Sometimes, we have to make choices that mean we cannot do everything and that is powerful.</b></i><br /><br />I decided in that moment that I needed to close my LuLa biz. It came as a shock, even to myself. But I felt SO sure and SO free and SO relieved once I talked to Stephen about it. He supported me and agreed, with my new job, the travel especially at the beginning, the move, I needed to be able to focus on those things and relieve myself of my extra responsibility. <br /><br /> So I spent the next few days and weeks getting my stuff together to go out of business. Had one final "thank you for your support" sale and stayed up until 2am multiple days that week packaging up over 400 orders from my less than 24 hour private sale. It was exhausting. This past week I mailed the remaining inventory back to LuLaRoe corporate for a refund that will pay off a huge chunk of (non lula related) personal debt, which was one of my goals when going into the business in the first place.<br /><br /> I am SO happy I took that adventure on. It was a fast, profitable 9 months and I have zero regrets, a closet full of amazing clothes (like, don't even ask me how many Carly's I own...I lost count) and will be debt free in the very near future thanks to this awesome business opportunity. ALL amazing reasons that it was the right thing to do for me, at the time. LLR also provided a good solid distraction for me when I needed it to, to relieve the focus from my post partum depression and get myself out of the house and focusing on others. My why drove me and I made so many amazing friends through this as well! Friends that just might be reading this blog for the first time, today. <br /><br /> Some people close businesses because they aren't profitable or they feel they failed. Neither of these things applied to me. I closed my business because I have other business to attend to. My free time is earmarked for some MAJORLY important things.<br /><br /> I need to focus on getting myself healthy again, and doing whatever it takes to get there. <br /><br /> YES I've been busy. I have had many many distractions and things in the way of me making any kind of progress since W was born. <br /><br />But even though "grace" might say I solidly COULD NOT with my schedule...I still CHOSE that schedule. So it was much more of a WOULD NOT situation. <br /><br /> And while I'm solidly OK with that, I'm also VERY excited about my newfound time and what this WILL mean now that I'm refocusing said time.<br /><br /><ul>
<li>Time with my growing little baby boy (16 months old!), and my sweet almost 14 year old growing young teenage girl (insert face of terror here as she gets prettier every SINGLE day). </li>
<li>Time with my amazing husband of almost 18 years. </li>
<li>Time to really enjoy my career and know what it's like to actually finish work at a reasonable time then go for a walk, make a healthy dinner, prep food for the next day....what are these things??? lol </li>
<li>And finally, time for THIS. My blog. My place of accountability. I can try to replicate my successes from the past, but I will fail. My life is incredibly different from what it was in 2010 when I began this journey. The ONE constant that I know will be the same is the need for this outlet and place of tracking my progress. </li>
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Because I may be reading these words a year from today almost at my goal and SO proud of my progress. Or I may be reading these words on my 40th birthday, verklempt that I actually managed to get it together and save my own life again. <br /><br /> I'm so thankful I have these years of blogging to look back on and remember where I was and when. As I begin blazing a NEW trail and a NEW journey for myself over the coming days, weeks and months, I am excited to have it to inspire myself in the now and in the going forward. THIS BLOG was and has always been a huge key to my success. And heck, maybe even a few of you out there who have hung in for this roller coaster will also be inspired. Let me know if you're with me. <br /><br /> I'm still Clara...but also not who I was. I'm better, older, (hopefully) wiser, and ready to take on some amazing new things. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p9affYIgQo">I'm Not Who I was by Brandon Heath</a> <br /><br />Let's do all the things!<br /><br /> Hugs,<br /><br />Clara</div>
ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-24772217233722327042017-04-29T19:16:00.004-05:002017-04-29T19:16:57.994-05:00Turning a VERY Heavy PageHey friends!<br />
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This week was a major turning point for me and I feel like getting my headspace back where it needed to be has been a major undertaking in and of itself. Forget actually making change, I've come to realize I need to be focused enough, AND ready enough for the "want to" to turn into "doing." Let me bring you up to speed.<br />
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When I posted last October I was getting ready to open my LuLaRoe business and begin that journey. Wyatt was 6 months old, still nursing exclusively and life was generally going ok! <br />
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My female cycles came back at 8 months post partum...how <i>unfair</i>. Can I get an amen? A great number of women experience two things during exclusively nursing their babies. They have no period until they stop nursing, and they lose weight while breastfeeding. Guess what? NEITHER of those things applied to me.<br />
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So, what?<br />
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Well, I have battled this issue called Postpartum Depression and anxiety pretty badly since Wyatt arrived with us. I struggled a great deal but had found a decent place around the last time I wrote here. Then, Aunt Flo came back for an uninvited visit, and the hormone shift threw me backwards in my forward progress in many ways. Queue terrible mood swings, awful food cravings, and feeling just horrible about how I looked. Even with my gorgeous clothes, I was struggling. <br />
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I was crazy busy getting my business off the ground and just buried myself in it. This was healthy in some ways, and unhealthy in others. It has made me very successful in a short amount of time, and the distraction has been good. On the flip side, it has definitely made me busier, and having time to food prep and exercise has been laughable.<br />
<br />
The holidays were TOUGH on me. I was down, depressed, feeling fat and gross, and exhausted. Felt like I wasn't going to find my way out of the funk. We rounded the first of the year and while it hasn't been perfect, I've been trying my hardest to find my way out of the pit I seemed to have climbed into. I can't even say fallen, because I made SO many poor conscious choices that it only seems fair to truly admit that I put myself there. Even in a low headspace, <i>I know better. And still. I did not do better.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Now we are about to begin May. I've missed all the gorgeous outside weather and it's beginning to get muggy and hot. I finally saw my doctor last month and we talked through the issues and I'm working on rebalancing my hormones some. We will see if that helps. <br />
<br />
In the meantime, last week I finally decided enough was enough. On the tail end of being sick AGAIN (the second time this year) I got a massive migraine. That's it, I told myself. IT. Wyatt is weaned for the most part. He's doing fantastically, growing, developing, and eating well. He's paleo, by the way, with the exception of his birthday cake which he hated. <br />
<br />
So Monday I began a Whole 30. Because Monday is when everything starts over. And Mondays are already generally pretty terrible, so why not begin a challenging eating plan then? <br />
<br />
I took my "before" pictures on Tuesday. I weighed in. I still need to do measurements and will try to get those done tomorrow. <br />
<br />
I laid awake most nights this week in bed pondering my before pictures. It's not like I hadn't realized that I had gained the weight back, ALL of it. It's not like I had pictured myself skinny and so it was shocking. It's not like I didn't realize when I tried to sit in chairs at restaurants or walk through smaller spaces that it felt different. <br />
<br />
But snapping those pictures. Then looking at them. And really FACING myself. That was tough. The internal struggle of wanting to give up before I even began again started plaguing my late night thoughts. <i>How did I let this happen? Why haven't I gotten ahold of it yet? How am I going to fit cooking and eating whole foods back into my non negotiables of my schedule? How how HOW?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
That's when I realized I was spending WAY too much time looking backwards. While it's great to re-read my blogs from the past, see how I did things before, what made me successful, and basking in the glory days, I have to look AHEAD. <br />
<br />
This time I am older, my life is busier, I have two children instead of one, two jobs instead of one, and what feels like a massive pile of weight to lose. What I do have going for me deep down in the folds of my memory is tons of recipes, shortcuts to eating well especially while traveling, and the DESIRE to find my way forward.<br />
<br />
Notice I didn't say find my way "back." <br />
<br />
Because I don't want to be who I was before I had my sweet rainbow baby and my super fun, successful side business. <br />
<br />
I want to be healthy with my life <i>now.</i> And that might take longer, be tougher, and look different.<br />
<br />
So, much like when I began this blog in 2010, I'm here, just a girl sitting in her plus size shift dress, 6 days into her 10th Whole 30, setting myself goals for May 2017.<br />
<br />
Here's what they look like:<br />
<br />
- Complete the Whole 30 successfully, and extend if feeling like I need more time<br />
- Begin walking at least 4 days/week<br />
- Take some "me" time, be it a massage, pedicure or girls day out. Something small each week.<br />
- Don't overschedule myself. Have at least ONE day a week I nap or sleep in (or both).<br />
- Plan my food weekly and stick to the plan. Meal prep before traveling.<br />
- Write in my blog at least 2 times in May.<br />
- ENJOY my life and live it, not let it pass me by.<br />
<br />
Of course my business goals are a little more specific but wanted to keep my personal goals more high level and attainable. Once I crush those they will get a little more intense the more I see success. Baby steps.<br />
<br />
Over the last year I have tried reading the end of the book a few times, looking for it all to just fall back into place for me, and really only accomplished my goal of nursing my son for a year. It's not been a bust, my friends. THAT goal was super important to me and I'm really proud of how hard it was to make that happen with how much I had going on.<br />
<br />
But the page, my friends, has officially been turned. <br />
<br />
Game on. <br />
<br />
Hugs & Love,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-15840347112587942592016-10-29T15:28:00.003-05:002016-10-29T15:29:47.280-05:00Finding My WayHey world! Checking in after coming out of my "gained all the weight back" closet a few weeks ago. I have been overwhelmed by your kind comments here, on my Facebook page, private messages and texts. While I found it very tough to admit my defeat, and publicly call myself out like I did in my last post (<a href="http://changemyblueprint.blogspot.com/2016/10/starting-over.html">here if you missed it</a>) I have also felt a great deal of relief.<br />
<br />
I ended up getting sick AGAIN...to the tune of bronchitis! And since I'm limited in what drugs I can take since I'm nursing Wyatt, needless to say, it has been a miserable few weeks. But, alas, I'm coming out on the other side of the illness and longing to get a routine going again. The gorgeous, clear, crisp (yet still warm) fall days are beckoning me to meet once again outside of this house. We live in a really pretty neighborhood. When I say pretty, I don't mean huge, cookie cutter homes. Instead, it's a combination of beautiful, some older, some newer houses with large tree lined lots, birds singing and wildlife. I love it here. As soon as this nagging cough subsides I plan to be outside a great deal this fall. Walking to start with dreams of jogging these beautiful streets again. <br />
<br />
In the meantime, I have some other exciting news to share with you all. I've been working on opening a LulaRoe clothing boutique of my own! LulaRoe is a clothing company and I signed up to be a consultant. I will be able to sell clothes out of my home, at in home pop up boutique parties and online. The reason I decided to do this (in addition to my full time job, not in place of!) is these clothes have helped me SO MUCH to restore my confidence in myself, even at this uncomfortable weight of mine. They make clothes for XXS - 3XL and literally anyone can find something they love. I'm really looking forward to helping other women be comfortable in their own skin! If you'd like to follow my LLR journey, join my Facebook group <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/331908747154998/">here</a>. I've been doing all kind of fun drawings and giveaways as I await my official "call" to onboard.<br />
<br />
I never imagined myself as someone who would sell clothes. In fact, people selling, especially on Facebook, gets old to me. In my excitement about beautiful, comfortable clothes, I've rekindled a passion from years ago, of putting together outfits, accessorizing, and enjoying fashion overall. I have lost count of how many friends I have helped shop over the years. Shopping and time with my friends? Yes, please.<br />
<br />
Of course I'm keeping my day job in corporate merica and have no plans to change that anytime soon. This will just be a fun, extra thing for myself and Lizzie to focus our time on (she's crazy about the clothes herself!).<br />
<br />
I do much better in life overall if I am super busy. So, here we go again folks. Maybe I'm crazy to have a busy corporate job, a 6 month old baby (and almost 13 year old!) and now an extra business. And then I'll be somehow fitting my fitness routine back in as well...<br />
<br />
While mildly overwhelming, I'm also really, truly excited and looking forward to the journey.<br />
<br />
In fitness news, this weekend I'm taking my new "before" pictures. Which is terrifying and exciting all at once. Taking new pictures has always been like drawing a line in the sand. I have no idea what's on the other side of that line, just yet. But I am certain it will be all good things. My nutrition has been decent lately. I'm working on not going too far off the rails this weekend, and meal planning for the next week. I have been cooking more lately, and enjoying my time back in the kitchen. I don't see a Whole 30 on the horizon just yet, but I'm moving in that general direction.<br />
<br />
My focus is positive, and my focus will determine my outlook. So I'm looking now at my very full next few months and I am grateful for my life. Every high, low, and bump in between.<br />
<br />
More to come soon!<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-53994021540727715492016-10-08T15:21:00.001-05:002016-10-08T15:21:34.556-05:00Starting OverDespite my good intentions, I have not spent the time I should have sharing about where I am in my journey right now. To be completely honest, there is a part of me that was waiting until I got to a better place with my postpartum weight before going public with the world, aka my little group of blog followers. I have written and erased this blog post in my mind hundreds of times over in the last 6 months. I wasn't ready to "come out" with where I am right now. It was too painful. Too hard. <br />
<br />
Instead I have contemplated giving up this Fitness and Encouragement blog, my finger hovering over the "delete page" button on Facebook more than I care to admit.<br />
<br />
I have also not made a major effort to reconnect with old friends here in the area now that we have moved back. Not because I don't love them, or that they aren't important to me, or even because I'm not happy to be back. If I'm being completely transparent, it's because I am feeling some awful feelings about where I am and how I look right now. I have had days where I didn't have the courage to leave the house, I hated how I looked so much. I'm avoiding mirrors and pictures at all costs. If I catch a mirror at all, it's highly possible I will change my mind about venturing out.<br />
<br />
I'm reminded of the Clara from 2009. <br />
<br />
I LOOK like her. <br />
<br />
I FEEL like her. <br />
<br />
I AM HER. <i>I weigh the same as I did at my heaviest</i>. <br />
<br />
Yes, you heard that right. Me, Clara, who has been regarded as an "example" and an "inspiration," (not my words, yours!) who has beaten the odds dozens of times, who lost a significant amount of weight (120 pounds at one point) and then kept off most of it (over 100 pounds for a solid few years), has <i>gained it all back.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Here is the obligatory "BEFORE...AFTER...NOW..." picture.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4b8F7xpQ3ZlF68Yt1JPTuIUHBi7A7p8xJ1yFyEO0MmzZGWKdEQsACqcaY_s1OioJv807-mCcBoMN1_m5o0OKg25Mp_V0i6lHPFnwu1BheB3f9ceMsqv3b0NSxsNyBsHyFUR-DuTeHwcw/s1600/before...after...now.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4b8F7xpQ3ZlF68Yt1JPTuIUHBi7A7p8xJ1yFyEO0MmzZGWKdEQsACqcaY_s1OioJv807-mCcBoMN1_m5o0OKg25Mp_V0i6lHPFnwu1BheB3f9ceMsqv3b0NSxsNyBsHyFUR-DuTeHwcw/s320/before...after...now.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>June 2009 (285) - July 2013 (`82) - September 2016 (285)</i></div>
<br />
I realize fully how unflattering my new "now" picture is, but I was serious when I said I've been avoiding the camera. It's literally the best picture I've got right now. And well, while we are being real, there you have it.<br />
<br />
I realized recently that I am not going to get to a good place until I am totally honest with not only myself, but those of you who have supported me through the years. {This is in large part due to a heart to heart talk with a very dear friend this past Monday. Love you so much!}<br />
<br />
I have always been REAL with my successes and failures. But I have never quite hit ground zero again like I have now.<br />
<br />
Having lost 100 pounds and kept it off for a few years, to gain it all back...this is hard, my friends. On so many levels.<br />
<br />
And I can't even say something encouraging like, "On Monday, I'm starting this new plan!" or "And I have my journey BACK down Mud Mountain totally planned out and navigated!"<br />
<br />
Because you know what? I don't have a perfect, fool proof plan. I am not sure when I'll be able to really start making progress back down this path to being fit again, from the scale's perspective. <br />
<br />
This is a really really hard place to be, but there is a silver lining. What? I know. I'm questioning this line of thinking myself, but stay with me. I realized something really important when conversating with the above mentioned dear friend and she encouraged me to share it with you.<br />
<br />
I really thought, at one point, that this healthy lifestyle that had become a habit for me, was easy and that anyone could do it. I've ALWAYS said I'm not a super disciplined person...I'm really truly not. I was sure that if someone wanted it enough, they could have the same successes I did. <br />
<br />
That very narrow thinking has me kind of lost right now, almost in a haze of confusion, not understanding how I managed to land here, or how to climb back out when I don't even have the energy to food prep. With all I have accomplished and overcome, this should be super easy. Just do what I did before. Retrace my steps.<br />
<br />
Right?<br />
<br />
Wrong.<br />
<br />
When we decided to expand our family in late 2014, I kept worrying that I would gain too much weight while pregnant. I voiced it a few times and anyone I talked to reassured me that I was different now. I knew how to eat. I could stay active. I was an athlete! This would be no problem.<br />
<br />
It's quite possible that this would have been true had I not experienced the miscarriage. Or at least partially true. But when your whole world comes crashing down on you and you lose a baby completely unexpectedly, your life as you know it, will never be the same.<br />
<br />
So I gained weight during my first, albeit short pregnancy. Then I gained weight being depressed about the baby we lost, wondering if I had waited too long, and was too old now to have a healthy baby again. <br />
<br />
Then there was that moment when I had a positive pregnancy test, just three months after my loss, where I was SO torn. I felt absolute fear, total elation and was totally upset with myself from a health perspective. I weighed 225 at that point, and was newly pregnant AGAIN. There was nowhere to go but upwards on the scale.<br />
<br />
My priority was bringing a healthy baby into the world and having a successful pregnancy, so I focused on that. I tried a whole 30 during the first trimester and finally gave up and ate crackers and cheese because I was starving - I couldn't stand the thought of a green vegetable and raw meat made me want to throw up. I never did throw up, but just felt like I needed to. For MOST of the pregnancy. Only when I gave into cravings did I feel partially decent. And this baby liked S'mores of all things in addition to tons of foods I hadn't indulged in regularly for YEARS. Part of me felt sweet relief eating any and everything. I had been so "good" for so long, and everyone encouraged me to eat up, you're pregnant! I was plowing my way through this pregnancy eating all the things, and feeding that emotional eating demon that made me overweight in the first place. While things seemed to go ok with the pregnancy, I did not know, until they laid this sweet baby boy on my chest, if I would get to meet him this side of heaven.<br />
<br />
I did get my rainbow baby. I have zero regrets about what it took to get him here. <br />
<br />
What I honestly regret is not sharing this with you sooner.<br />
<br />
<b><u>I'm left with these difficult to process, challenging facts:</u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
<b>-</b><i><b> I haven't been able to make huge dietary changes since baby W arrived without severely affecting my milk supply.</b> </i>Believe me, I have tried. More than once. I am one of those breastfeeding mamas who struggles with supply. I make JUST enough, not a drop more, and that's with tons of supplements, etc., and, unfortunately, tons of carbs (and sweet potatoes and white potatoes aren't enough - trust me, I tried.)<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">- I suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety.</i> I had a touch of this with Lizzie so I recognized it when it reared it's ugly head. It's MUCH better now thanks to supplementation and talking about it, but it's also been a vicious cycle of stress on top of everything else a new mama goes through. We moved while I was on maternity leave to add to that stress.<br />
<b style="font-style: italic;">- Breastfeeding does NOT equal weight loss for everyone. </b>Some women get super skinny while nursing their babies. I have not. Instead, I've actually gained 20 pounds since Wyatt was around 2 weeks old. Not everyone just loses weight - some women are very fortunate to be able to. Others, like me, do not.<br />
<b style="font-style: italic;">- I haven't had a full night's rest in almost a year. </b>I had terrible sleep issues while pregnant. I would get up anywhere from 5-7 times per NIGHT to potty. My back hurt constantly. <br />
<b style="font-style: italic;">- I have almost zero extra time/energy for anything once I am done with work, and feeding a baby every two hours ALL DAY EVERY DAY. </b>I am so spent many times the "what's for dinner" question in my house has been answered by a local restaurant or peanut butter and jelly. Ugh.<br />
-<b> </b><i><b>I am solidly around 280-285 pounds.</b> </i> I seem to move daily within that range. My highest weight was 285 in 2009. I'm there again.<br />
<i><b>-I am scared.</b></i><br />
<br />
Yes. I'm scared that I won't ever be fit again. No, I'm not being dramatic. I have a hard time getting up off the floor. I tried doing some kettlebell workouts recently and ended up throwing out my back. I've never thrown out my back! I was literally down for days. <br />
<br />
I share all of this for THREE reasons.<br />
<br />
<b>ONE</b> - I need this blog, probably more than anyone reading it ever needed me. I started it in early 2010 when I had lost 30lbs and then broke my ankle. I sat at this same dining room table articulating my first post, having no idea what the result would be but praying it would help me not lose focus since I was unable to walk/run.<br />
<br />
<b>TWO</b> - I need to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not coming to the realization that this is NOT easy, especially for a mama of more than one kid, especially for a woman in the workforce, especially for someone who travels for work.<br />
<br />
<b>THREE</b> - My story is NOT over. In 2010 when I began this journey, I had NO IDEA I would lose 100+ pounds and get as fit as I did. And yet, I did. I surpassed my goals. I experienced tons of wins and just as many setbacks. This setback, this one is toughest. But it's far from over.<br />
<br />
Somewhere really deep down, I know, underneath these squishy layers of motherhood, beneath the exhausted puffy bags under my eyes, and the entire wardrobe that is packed away, lies the strength to do this again. <br />
<br />
Will I do it the same way? Probably not. <br />
<br />
Because I am not who I was when I started this journey. <br />
<br />
Had you told me I was going to gain all of the weight back, I am not sure how I would have responded. Probably would have scoffed at you. I was overconfident in my ability to do this. <br />
<br />
Today, I am humbled by my reality.<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading this all the way through. I hope it made sense, and if nothing else, resonated with someone else out there who isn't where they want to be today. We can do this, my friends. One day at a time, one step at a time, and for right now, one hour at a time. More to come on what's next, and hopefully soon.<br />
<br />
Humbly,<br />
<br />
Clara<br />
<br />
<br />ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-28449483770877074032016-06-05T19:38:00.003-05:002016-06-05T19:38:29.009-05:00After the StormHi friends! If I were you, I would have thought I had disappeared off the face of the planet. Well, I sort of, kind of did.<br />
<br />
My last post was about the pregnant Whole 30 I embarked on in January for a few reasons - to clean up my diet big time and pass my glucose test. I'm happy to say I did both! My midwife was impressed at my results especially given my weight. I also lost 8 lbs and had some ketones in my urine which she was not so impressed with and she told me to stop my whole 30 and add some things back in. In typical, perfect, Clara-like fashion I did exactly what was asked of me. Cue another huge weight gain. Sigh. Moderation and me are not friends. More on that later...<br />
<br />
After last year's miscarriage, many of you know that this pregnancy held alot of trepidation for me. I was so concerned something would happen. Even making it past "milestones" didn't really help. Once you lose a baby, you have no reason to believe you won't lose another, even if the odds are in your favor. This created alot of added stress during the pregnancy, but one thing I was hoping for above all else was a healthy rainbow baby. In case you're not familiar with the term, a "rainbow" baby is one who is born following a miscarriage, infant death, stillbirth, etc. It mirrors the thinking that storms lead to rainbows, and awful, dark times can lead to better times. There is always, always hope.<br />
<br />
Now that the storm has passed, and some dust settled, I'm excited to share with you the details about the day the sun came back out for me and my little family.<br />
<br />
I apologize for the lateness, as our baby is now almost 8 weeks old (!!!) but if you've ever had a baby, especially at 37 years of age or older (ha) then you understand my complete and utter exhaustion. I truly underestimated my 25 year old self and overestimated my ability to bounce back so quickly 12 years later.<br />
<br />
<i><b>{DISCLAIMER: </b>I feel the need to preface this story with the statement that I do NOT think everyone should do what I did, nor do I feel I am stronger than women who choose an epidural as I am not. Labor does not always go as planned and until you're in it, you really can't judge anyone else. I cast no judgment on the choices of others in this area and ask for mutual respect. The purpose of this post is to simply share my experience and how things went for ME. If your experience was different or you don't like mine, you don't have to read it (cue "worry about yourself" haha). OK, read on!}</i><br />
<br />
<br />
I ended up being induced at 38+5 (due to polyhydraminos and high BP), which was NOT what I had envisioned, or wanted for myself this time around. I had read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and was preparing myself mentally to have a completely different experience this time than I did 12 years ago with Lizzie's birth. (Long story short, epidural only worked on one side, I pushed for 90 minutes and it was just overall a rough experience that took me a really long time to recover.) Anyway, I was hoping to go into labor on my own and avoid the evil pitocin monster, but birth plans, like ALL plans are subject to change. Good thing I'm flexible.<br />
<br />
I checked into the hospital and they tried Cervadil to ripen my cervix. Some women spontaneously begin to labor on this drug. I was really hopeful! I was already 2-3 cm dilated and very effaced thanks to alot of birth prep. My husband was there and we waited for my best friend A to arrive to coach me through the birth. We've got this, I thought. I can do this. <br />
<br />
The 12 hours of cervadil did pretty much nothing. Oh goodness, I thought. But, I can still do this. They approached me about the pitocin. Cringing, I agreed, still firmly decided there would be no epidural. Possibly a narcotic to knock the edge off when things got "real" later on.<br />
<br />
They started pitocin at 8am and my cheery attitude began to fade with each hour..holy hard contractions...especially because my cervix
refused to make good progress.
I literally took 4 or 5 hours to get to a full 3cm which was with the pitocin
consistently being ratcheted up as high as 24 during that time frame. The contractions were
uncomfortable but not impossible to get through. I leaned on Stephen, joked around with A, drank peppermint tea and might have snuck a few other items for sustenance. I tried to think positively...but the continued labor
without progression was concerning, and I was already running out
of energy since I hadn't eaten more than a few tiny snacks since 4pm the day before.<br />
<br />
Finally
around noon we decided to break my water. This was another full on negotiation with my midwife, who by the way, is AMAZING. She really advocated for me. There ended up not being as much fluid as
anticipated but it definitely helped things progress some and my
continued goal was to avoid csection. They began turning the pitocin up
higher and higher periodically. I labored for a few more hours and it was becoming
pretty uncomfortable, I was sure I was at least a 6 or 7...they checked me and I was only at 4cm! Holy what? All that hard work for just 4 measly cm? I was crushed thinking I had
worked way harder than that with contractions a minute apart for those
hours! I just had to keep going. Kept upping pitocin and finally asked
for something to take the edge off around 7cm and they gave me a dose of
fentanyl. While that helped me rest between contractions, it also really slowed them down and thus
slowed down progress which was not OK. I had a lot of pain, according to my nurse, more than I should have
given what the contraction monitors said. In hindsight, I really probably just don't have a very high pain tolerance and was so exhausted it made it that much harder to deal. We had to have an hour between doses of the
meds and that's when it got so rough I began to feel like I really couldn't do
it. Like not just couldn't do it, but might not <i>survive</i> it. I know mamas who have been through this are totally raising their hand with an Amen to that. They don't call it labor for nothing! During that time I said alot of not nice words, screamed a little (ok, maybe alot, sorry to anyone else laboring nearby), and possibly fractured one or more of Stephen's fingers squeezing his hand. And only progressed to 8cm in that very very uncomfortable time. I was getting mad at this point. I mean, all this work, and literally blood/sweat/tears and I still had 2 cm to go? The last coherent thought I had was that my best friend and birth coach, A, my husband and my nurse were all trying to kill me. I made sure they clearly knew I felt that way. You know, so they could feel guilty when I didn't make it.<br />
<br />
I sort of came outside of myself for the next 2cm. I had some
contractions I could totally zone and breath through and others where I sounded like I was being sawed in half in a horror flick, complete with bloodcurdling screams and crying the pain was so intense. I knew I needed to be
calm, not clench my body up and try to relax but I was going on 24 hours
without a real meal and I had worked so hard to get to where we were. It was
the oddest and most out of body experience I've ever had. That feeling during transition is something I never imagined - I literally at
one point felt like I was dying. Being completely ripped apart from the
inside. Pitocin was completely maxed out for the last few cm, as high as it could go. <i>{Have you seen the movie, the Princess Bride? (If you haven't, I might unfriend you). I feel like pitocin contractions mimic that machine that sucked the life out of the leading man in the Pit of Despair. Like, seriously.}</i><br />
<br />
They called my midwife in and she checked me and I was finally at a 9. I
was feeling completely out of control in pain and started feeling the
need to push. She checked again and I was 9.5 and I told her I had to
push. Game was on!<br />
<br />
I pushed for 10 minutes and baby boy was
born! Having an easy pushing experience compared to my last birth was such a blessing and SO needed! That was the most
amazing feeling in the WORLD once he slid out. I felt like a completely
new person and was reenergized. Stephen said my entire demeanor changed and honestly I went from literally feeling like I was being killed to a feeling of euphoric, almost instantaneous relief. They placed my cheese covered little nugget on my chest and my
heart melted! Our little rainbow baby was finally here and he looked up
at me with such a knowing and sweet look. Within seconds of my placenta
being delivered he was nursing. This hospital has a "magic hour" where they then clean you up, and leave you alone for an hour to bond with baby before even weighing him. It was amazing!<br />
<br />
I had a slight 2 degree tear, long but not deep, and in
the same place I tore with my daughter 12 years ago.<br />
<br />
Folks, if you've followed me for any length of time, you know I've done some hard things. I'm a tough girl. I lift heavy weights. I've run some races. I've set some huge goals for myself (pun intended) and met those goals toe to toe. This was, hands down, the toughest, most physically challenging thing I have ever done.<br />
<br />
While it wasn't perfectly in line with my birth plan, I knew as soon as induction was required I had to make some adjustments. I still managed to have the birth I wanted given the circumstances and I am very satisfied for enduring (surviving?) the pit
induced labor without an epidural or needing the csection.<br />
<br />
Here are a few pics of our experience and new little boy, Wyatt Royce. 7lb7oz and 20.5 inches long.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtVT2NY_3iJESVtbUHk7cAhc83HxHGS42vEN5Wz0qszqzc27lNsU5v3rVSd7xru5Rt82b6EZBSQ4bvL64v_vcb-oqop4OW8XFn1KQVH40G35T82gAO-1p2Bd6e0DkH7lP6gblH4Ii35r4/s1600/IMG_0524.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtVT2NY_3iJESVtbUHk7cAhc83HxHGS42vEN5Wz0qszqzc27lNsU5v3rVSd7xru5Rt82b6EZBSQ4bvL64v_vcb-oqop4OW8XFn1KQVH40G35T82gAO-1p2Bd6e0DkH7lP6gblH4Ii35r4/s320/IMG_0524.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big sister is just over the moon! Their first meeting. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2VGGnAqzenXEQrVVsOF4nldY9eM-lauApd_lQztn5Sh8cxzQvauqd_zw60K8m83KZtfXxChv7wWB6lK-MA1QxleLEXljruhyphenhyphenzsUaEL2bBlXok3k4r5g1_OPsG2U1iBhQcoz1FVqI5ODg/s1600/IMG_0860.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2VGGnAqzenXEQrVVsOF4nldY9eM-lauApd_lQztn5Sh8cxzQvauqd_zw60K8m83KZtfXxChv7wWB6lK-MA1QxleLEXljruhyphenhyphenzsUaEL2bBlXok3k4r5g1_OPsG2U1iBhQcoz1FVqI5ODg/s320/IMG_0860.JPG" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy is super happy to have his little man here! Nothing makes you fall deeper in love with your husband than watching him become a father - again. Sigh. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVU10QEkX8l9lR17bNMVlA4rMRZjoyi69i2_OqNBMLet_KO5A9aYYlFB3uTMkIHMdY-RpLrLZlVlDEMjo1XjdQCUpBpAElFJMeUsYECV6_mfwWo6GdyLz4bMzo9Vq-U4pJloyktYEN40k/s1600/IMG_6354.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVU10QEkX8l9lR17bNMVlA4rMRZjoyi69i2_OqNBMLet_KO5A9aYYlFB3uTMkIHMdY-RpLrLZlVlDEMjo1XjdQCUpBpAElFJMeUsYECV6_mfwWo6GdyLz4bMzo9Vq-U4pJloyktYEN40k/s320/IMG_6354.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A recent pic of me and the little dude. He has my heart!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So you're caught up - to this point at least. In the next few posts I do plan to talk about post partum depression and
anxiety and my experience with that, as well as what is next for me (hopefully later this
week). I have a great deal more to say and tell you but I've got to rush off now and make dinner while Baby W is happy with Daddy, then be ready to feed him again. More later on where I am in my fitness journey. <br />
<br />
I'll tell you this much - it's not pretty and we have a LONG road ahead of us this year to find some semblance of my former fit self. I can say it was totally, completely worth it! <br />
<br />
I hope you're up for it. I am. <br />
<br />
~ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-59928566248055507182016-01-10T16:50:00.007-06:002016-01-10T16:51:08.640-06:00It ALL Starts With Food...Just a quick update for the inquiring minds of my followers! If you follow my Facebook page, then you know I embarked on a brave adventure as of 1/4/16. A pregnant whole 30. {insert scary music}<br />
<br />
Here's where I was at...I had gotten on the scale on 12/31 for my 24 week prenatal appointment, and I'll tell you, it was NOT pretty. It has been a rough few months. I've had a major raw meat aversion, and have relied on my husband to cook meat, but then haven't craved the first healthy thing. It was all fried chicken sandwiches (chick fil a being my fave), pizza, and nachos (homemade at least). That is all I literally wanted. All.the.time. So of course I gained weight. But that was only a slight piece of what scared me into making a change. I've had terrible heartburn turned acid reflux during the month of December that only got worse as the month wore on. It seemed especially aggravated by chocolate (ahem) and other past-life foods but honestly at that point, everything was bothering my stomach and I felt like there was fire in my throat. Zantac is allegedly safe to take during pregnancy, as is Tums, but I have tried really hard to avoid avoidable drugs this pregnancy. When discussing with my midwife, I asked her if I could first try to control it with diet. She said absolutely, but if that doesn't work go for the Zantac.<br />
<br />
Now, alot of things that happen to your body when you're pregnant aren't of your own doing. Many women develop gestational diabetes, and this isn't just women like me who gain too much...some women develop preeclampsia, etc. etc. There isn't always a way to control these things.<br />
<br />
So today is day 7 of my 2nd attempt at a pregnant whole 30 (if you recall, I tried one between weeks 5 and 8 and on day 18 had to cave as the nausea became debilitating).<br />
<br />
<u><b>I have to share what I've experienced this week:</b></u><br />
<br />
<b>First</b> - fire in my throat heartburn - GONE. I've had a few gurgles here and there, but not daily and honestly not even noticeable. Gone. Just like that. This change was almost immediate. Day 1 I felt AWFUL. And by day two, it was all, Bye Felicia! <br />
<br />
<b>Second </b>- I'm sleeping better. For someone who is pregnant, this (among other things - haha) is HUGE. I still get up to roll to the other side and of course then have to pee multiple times per night, but the sleep I am getting is sounder and better. This came toward the end of the week.<br />
<br />
<b>Third - </b>My skin is clear and glowing. I mean clear. I mean no makeup needed clear, but I wear a tinted moisturizer since my skin needs moisture still. I am so thankful for this. Nothing like being hugely pregnant and having zits!<br />
<br />
<b>Fourth</b> - Probably the least important, but still good, I've dropped a few pounds. Now, typically one doesn't weigh during a whole 30. But I'm doing that and tracking my food every few days to be sure I'm eating ENOUGH and not losing too much too fast. I would be fine to drop 10 pounds this month, baby is totally getting what he needs with my 2000 calories a day of whole, real foods. But I didn't want to drop too quickly.<br />
<br />
<b>Fifth - </b>I'm fueling my baby boy properly! He is kicking up a storm and giving his approval of the new diet. He moved alot before, but I know in my heart this is way better for him than Dairy Queen and Pizza. (I told you it was bad!)<br />
<br />
<b>Sixth - </b>I managed to get a walk in a few times this week! Woot woot! That's MAJOR. I didn't particularly feel like it - but am really glad I did. And am hoping to be more physically active in this home stretch I'm in.<br />
<br />
I'm hoping in a few weeks, I can report a seventh victory, that I passed my glucose test...it's on 1/28. I'm a little scared...but knowing how I'm eating now and how much it's helping me feel better, I know if I do have gestational diabetes, it isn't my fault. I'm doing best for my baby. I didn't have GD with Elizabeth, but I will tell you, I'm already at a weight that is VERY scary for me and know that I need to get that under control, if nothing else. <br />
<br />
The good part? Even if I continue to gain, I know it's from healthy nutrition. And I also know how to lose it.<br />
<br />
But in the meantime, I need to FEEL BETTER. And THAT, my friends, ALL starts with food.<br />
<br />
Talk soon,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-68438561631473664502015-10-24T13:27:00.002-05:002015-10-24T13:35:10.665-05:00Somewhere Between... a Bust & a BlessingGreetings Blueprint followers! It has been a very quiet year on this blog. If you've followed me diligently since 2009, I apologize that the typical "here's what she's up to now" fitspiration has been missing this year. I have changed, I have grown, I have digressed, and I have learned. I am not the person I was when I began this journey at 285 pounds in 2009. I am also not the girl who successfully made it to 185 pounds and celebrated keeping 100 pounds off for awhile.<br />
<br />
I am somewhere between 2015 being a complete bust and a blessing. Allow me to explain.<br />
<br />
If you followed me this year you know there hasn't been much to watch, except for my heart to have been broken in a zillion little pieces, and the effort it has taken to gather the pieces back up and learn my new normal. Check in <a href="http://changemyblueprint.blogspot.com/2015/04/tis-better-to-have-loved-and-lost.html">here </a>first, then <a href="http://changemyblueprint.blogspot.com/2015/05/im-change-in-making.html">here</a> to catch yourself up on my year. Seriously, you could just scroll to the right and see this is only my 5th blog in this entire year. It's the quietest year I've had since I began blogging in 2009. Partly, because I haven't had much to say that would be inspiring to many of you. Instead, I've struggled, cried, grieved, spent time on the carpet, and learned what the bottom really feels like.<br />
<br />
Today, my weight is NOT where I want it to be. But my focus has completely changed. When we decided, earlier this year, to ask the Lord to increase our family (and of course do our part to make that happen), my focus shifted. During my pregnancy in January/February/March, I was still running, lifting heavy weights, traveling like a crazy person and basically keeping up with my normal routine of life. And then our baby died. And my world stopped spinning while my heart broke solidly in half. You see, everything seemed fine with our angel at first. The baby had a strong heartbeat. We saw it more than once and felt comfortable revealing to our beautiful 11 year old daughter that she would be a big sister. She sobbed with excitement for this long awaited answered prayer. And then less than a week later, we had to shatter her with the news that her sibling had gone to be with Jesus.<br />
<br />
Since then I have come across many many women who have experienced something like this or much, much worse. Though a loss is truly a loss, I have grown to learn that the pain can be just as unbearable with a first trimester as it can be to deliver a stillborn. Ours stung especially due to the fact that we waited so long for it, and were so ignorant to what could happen. One in four pregnancies ends unexpectedly in a loss. No one expects to be the one in four, and many women suffer in silence. If you know me at all, you know silence isn't exactly one of my gifts. But I believe firmly and wholeheartedly that this new pain I've experienced is one that will someday help another. There are women hurting today who don't have anyone who fully understands their pain. I get it and it's awful.<br />
<br />
As you can imagine, after losing the pregnancy and my surgery in late March, my weight wasn't in a happy place. I was solidly back in the 200s, and hovering around 220 for awhile. It took time for my body to realize it was no longer pregnant and I'll never forget the day I woke up deflated again.<br />
<br />
Add that to the intense grief and depression, feeling like my chance and opportunity was completely missed because I waited so long, add in the feeling of despair and disappointment each month when I wasn't becoming pregnant, and I spiraled out of control in so many ways.<br />
<br />
August rolled around and we headed to San Francisco to celebrate my brother's wedding to my beautiful new sister in love. The trip was long and I was emotional and exhausted. I chalked it up to my typical monthly hormone trip, in addition to late nights joking with my brothers and the time difference. I was also faced with a confusing combination of amazing joy and sadness as I faced my other beautiful sister in love, who was due to have a baby just a few short weeks before I was. I love her so deeply, but it still stung to see her beautiful round pregnant belly when mine was soft and empty. The family time was amazing and I'm so thankful we had it.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd2iYutHxLZWs89lm-qvQYS9MgpQ7vfbMZEC2UKN3iO-54pleUDkydC8V6eAqoeukt6iKDdNjbDmqbRuZaErArHe8t0kKF9m7cX8rjt6fa6r9mGVwPu9mi9ZGxGYQSkM0WZ2Lv650h2h4/s1600/wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd2iYutHxLZWs89lm-qvQYS9MgpQ7vfbMZEC2UKN3iO-54pleUDkydC8V6eAqoeukt6iKDdNjbDmqbRuZaErArHe8t0kKF9m7cX8rjt6fa6r9mGVwPu9mi9ZGxGYQSkM0WZ2Lv650h2h4/s320/wedding.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At my brother's wedding with my handsome date! 16 years together, 15.5 married. He is my rock.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JypcDkoBehEBwqLxjFGaYK_9tZwwDF2jG6mLMVYTZIXfH2n9CVFD400_FaBlWyGbJ43-Pv0aRAhg2vt0lHSJngknzzwmYJrsFK8ghZ9shpq_4o_tIiSYoQMcqn_mfPdJbYFtmdp7eH4/s1600/family+at+Muer+woods.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6JypcDkoBehEBwqLxjFGaYK_9tZwwDF2jG6mLMVYTZIXfH2n9CVFD400_FaBlWyGbJ43-Pv0aRAhg2vt0lHSJngknzzwmYJrsFK8ghZ9shpq_4o_tIiSYoQMcqn_mfPdJbYFtmdp7eH4/s320/family+at+Muer+woods.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, this is taken in the summer! Muir Woods in northern CA. Beautiful!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We headed home and in the few days that it took to recover I realized I had missed my period. I bought a test with zero expectation and you can imagine my shock when it immediately came up as positive as can be. I was stunned, and unfortunately around 228 pounds. Immediately I felt excitement and was upset with myself at the same time.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM8743NqenAjuFBUQgeUPmy468j2rlakp1Ni09Y09iZp32yJlGywljL3eU6_SRRIAlVasrdRQDjx-C3_7t9ARlY0w5c7IHMa9FK6UXuP8VOpNmla5WZNbkiLAA4h5bfQKScRIm66PFaRI/s1600/Very+positive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM8743NqenAjuFBUQgeUPmy468j2rlakp1Ni09Y09iZp32yJlGywljL3eU6_SRRIAlVasrdRQDjx-C3_7t9ARlY0w5c7IHMa9FK6UXuP8VOpNmla5WZNbkiLAA4h5bfQKScRIm66PFaRI/s320/Very+positive.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I took the first test (left) at 2pm. The second test (right) at 9pm.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now I am 14 weeks pregnant, which is 5 weeks
further than we made it the last time. Our almost 12 year old is
cautiously optimistic, as are we. I'm learning what it means to
experience a pregnancy without the bliss of my previous ignorance.
Every twinge, ache, or funny feeling is analyzed, googled, questioned,
wondered about. While I have immense outward joy about this pregnancy,
which is absolutely sincere, I have simultaneously inwardly struggled to
feel true joy. Almost like when you know something has failed you
before, unexpectedly, you're constantly expecting to wake up to the bad
news, and seeing the glass as half full, when it comes to this, is
virtually impossible. We've seen a strong, perfectly healthy little
baby measuring a few days ahead of schedule, and we've heard a beautiful
heartbeat more than once. I'm not sure I will feel actual joy until I
am holding this little blessing in my arms and I know he or she is safe
from anything my body may or may not be able to do to protect it.<br />
<br />
I've experienced absolutely terrible nausea this time around. I actually was on a whole 30 for about 18 days between weeks 5 and 8, and then it came to the point where I could not look at a vegetable without wanting to hurl. My worst nightmare coming true! I stopped the Whole 30 and just began to eat for survival. Not only have I had the terrible nausea, but the fatigue has been almost debilitating. I'm 36 years old and I am feeling the effects of having a later in life pregnancy. I've honestly felt like a zombie for much of the last 6 weeks, but am hopefully rounding the corner.<br />
<br />
At my last doctor's appointment at 12 weeks, I had already gained 11 pounds. My entire weight gain for this pregnancy is supposed to be between 11-20 pounds. Oops. My midwife was so sweet and told me I have a "hall pass" until the nausea passes, then as an athlete she fully expects me to do what I know to do to get healthy. I could have hugged her.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnpxknQd1_Bpto_xKIkNIL51koQ8ZO63a_TXs_B4sZRr9j6gJNfFVB30AB8FVlfoBDlNmfh3dq31iyj_9FU87hML_znxcn7y6DKGBpnhnUjWK-6vWOp-04VNIz3zIsOmcj_kM_yTnvoKc/s1600/12+weeks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnpxknQd1_Bpto_xKIkNIL51koQ8ZO63a_TXs_B4sZRr9j6gJNfFVB30AB8FVlfoBDlNmfh3dq31iyj_9FU87hML_znxcn7y6DKGBpnhnUjWK-6vWOp-04VNIz3zIsOmcj_kM_yTnvoKc/s320/12+weeks.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12 weeks - not super flattering, but there it is. Sorry for the mess. Dixie says hi.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
While this doesn't mean I have gone fully off the rails (I actually haven't gained anything in the last two weeks) it does mean I am taking my nutrition one meal at a time. One bite at a time some days. This child loves greek yogurt and marshmallows (I'm limiting those). Far cry from the way of eating that makes me feel best (paleo) but I also know that since 75% of what I used to eat before sounds absolutely disgusting right now (including sweet potatoes!) I just have to do the best I can. <br />
<br />
I went for a walk once this week. Once. But it was better than nothing. Maybe next week I'll get out a few more times. I did one kettlebell workout a few weeks ago. But right now, if my body needs a nap I'm picking that over activity. Growing a human is quite hard work at this point in my life. And while I know I'll find my way back to more activity as I begin to feel a bit better (yay second trimester!) for now I'm prioritizing the best way I know how. And the blessing gets priority.<br />
<br />
So on this blog you may not find fitspiration for awhile, but I will try to blog updates about how things are progressing with my priority, the pregnancy, as well as how I'm doing in the health department. My "blueprint" has always been drawn in pencil, and if you've been with me for awhile you know I've seen the ups and downs, successes and failures, but I've always grown as a person. I look forward to finding pieces of my former fit self as I begin to feel better because I also realize the better I eat the more nutrition I'm providing this new little blessing growing inside of me.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1TlSg6sVJIcdS1VJ5wlMiGHyGyAhC47bsDGXb-sbyHsfRulMZo24ZGAO-NgdhXCIdn7yKbrXueQyPl3h_69hUp5k_aJYy1i6e9zCLC4PZ1yX1r5bv69aY_nnSju5k80hNsi_YcYi0ybM/s1600/second+chances.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1TlSg6sVJIcdS1VJ5wlMiGHyGyAhC47bsDGXb-sbyHsfRulMZo24ZGAO-NgdhXCIdn7yKbrXueQyPl3h_69hUp5k_aJYy1i6e9zCLC4PZ1yX1r5bv69aY_nnSju5k80hNsi_YcYi0ybM/s320/second+chances.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our pregnancy announcement. One excited big sister! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
2015 may not end with goals reached, pounds lost, but inches and a life gained. Best part? I know what to do, and when I am able, I'll do it. Been there, done that. Got the blog history to prove it, right here.<br />
<br />
And I'll thank God every day for the miracle of life and whatever part He allows me to experience this time around.<br />
<br />
With love,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-1464033375225048632015-05-09T11:30:00.000-05:002015-05-09T11:59:55.218-05:00I'm a Change in the Making...Hey world...I'm back again, checking in on how life has been.<br />
<br />
Since our loss in March (catch up <a href="http://changemyblueprint.blogspot.com/2015/04/tis-better-to-have-loved-and-lost.html">HERE</a> if you missed it) I've been working on finding my "new normal" and allowing myself to go through the grieving process. So many things are happening in my head, heart and spirit that I almost don't know where to start this blog. I guess I'll just start somewhere and hopefully the tangled and cryptic thoughts in my mind will make some sense once it's all out in the open.<br />
<br />
Grief is hard. Grieving the loss of a child is amazingly hard. Grieving this loss has surprised me. I say surprised because having never experienced a miscarriage before, and having had a perfect pregnancy with Elizabeth in 2003, I had no idea what this would feel like. Similar to many life situations until you're actually walking that road, while you certainly can sympathize, or feel bad for someone who is sad, you cannot possibly empathize.<br />
<br />
The pain, I can't even describe the pain. The despair. The feeling that I've lost something that I waited SO LONG for. That hopeless feeling that nothing I could have done would have saved my child. It wasn't meant to be, for now.<br />
<br />
The finality of the whole thing and the surging hormones I've experienced over the last month have really made this road a bumpy one. My body took a few weeks to figure out that I was no longer carrying a baby. It's almost like it's in shock for that first little bit since I had the surgery and didn't miscarry on my own. I still had tummy bloat for a few weeks then one day I woke up and it was gone.<br />
<br />
There have been several key experiences and events this last 6 weeks
that have really carried me along during this time. One was a long
conversation with a dear old friend, we don't get to talk often but when
we do, it's like no time has passed since the last conversation. She
allowed me to share my heart, the good, bad and ugly, and she empathized
with me, cried with me, and gave me a refreshing feeling of hope
again. Thank you my friend, for that. <br />
<br />
It was a Sunday, which in our house is kind of a big deal (you know, being married to the preacher and all) and I struggled to get myself dressed for church. I had put on weight, some from pregnancy (chicken and waffles cravings were fierce!) and some from grief eating when Lizzie and I visited my future home (Amelia Island, Florida - before you freak out, that's where I plan to retire). Anyway once the tummy bloat was gone, it was almost worse. I was now just fat. My hips and butt wore the remaining pounds I put on (something like 25 total - it was a bad scene) and I felt hopeless and totally upset. Add the raging hormones, the typical difficulty that Sunday morning has in store for my family (until we get in there and begin to focus where we need to focus) and I was a MESS that morning.<br />
<br />
A friend hugged me and I burst into tears. I just felt despair. I was really experiencing depression. Full on, wish I could go to sleep and not wake up depression. I haven't felt this way since long before I knew Jesus. As a teenager I battled depression and suicidal thoughts. I wasn't quite "there" but felt myself spiraling in a bad direction. I knew that I needed to climb my way out of this.<br />
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I sent Stephen and Lizzie to lunch after church and I had a protein shake and grabbed my kindle. A devotion I've been working through is called <u>Grieving the Child I Never Knew</u> by Kathe Wunnenberg. The 6th devotion in that book is titled "Nothing to Show for My Loss." I read that devotion and it was exactly what I needed on that awful day.<br />
<br />
Here is a quote I highlighted: <i>"You may feel you have nothing to show for your loss but a stack of bills, and out-of-shape body, raging hormones, an incomplete nursery, pain and suffering and empty arms." </i><br />
<br />
Empty arms. Yes. This resonated with me. As did the medical bills, of course. And the out of shape body. Nothing fit right. My body was not the same. But my arms. They ached.<br />
<br />
Add to that the other physical changes, all of my long beautiful fingernails broke, one by one. I've never had great nails, but they were amazing when I was pregnant. I also was struggling with insomnia but thanks to some Valerian root began finding my sleep groove again. Physically it took me a few weeks to get to where I would work out again, but I continued to be so exhausted (depression does that ya know) and felt like nothing I did mattered. I kept wondering what I could have done differently to save my baby. I made a long list of things I did while I was pregnant wondering which one caused my baby to die. I rode on 6 airplanes (though I never went through the body scanner, I opted for pat downs), ran a 5k at 6 weeks pregnant, continued lifting heavy weights, had my hair colored, and I think I ate gorgonzola cheese by accident one time. Was it me? Did I do this?<br />
<br />
My 2 week checkup with the OBGYN proved to be good for me. I went over my laundry list with him trying to pinpoint what happened. He is a father of 9 children (and shared his wife experienced 3 losses trying to get their last 2 babies here), and he looked at me calmly and said "You didn't do this. The baby didn't spontaneously miscarry, instead, it got to a certain size and could not continue growing so it was missing what it needed. Since your body didn't expel the baby we removed it. There's nothing you physically did or could have done."<br />
<br />
I feel like between the conversation with my friend, that devotion the day before and that appointment, something shifted in me. I knew those things he said, that I read and that she shared, I think, subconsciously, but I needed someone to tell me it was ok, and it was not my fault. As a woman, you think, my body is MADE for this. How could I be dysfunctional in the one major thing my body was designed to do? I also needed to know that it was normal to grieve a baby I never got to meet. Some people have not known how to communicate with me about this and I don't blame them at all. But they try to minimize your pain or say something to make you feel better. News flash - NOTHING anyone says to me will make me miss my baby less or soothe my pain. All you can say is you're continuing to pray for us and think of us. That helps more than even telling me it was "meant to be." Even if it was. You wouldn't say that to someone who lost a child on this side of the uterus. Don't say it to someone who lost a baby they didn't get to meet, either.<br />
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The only thing that has truly and totally begun to dig me out of my sadness has been Jesus. Seriously. I'm a pastor's wife but I will confess I'm not in the word of God regularly outside of Sunday. I also have a crazy busy full time traveling job, run my household, workout 5 days a week and cook most of my meals. Life is busy. And for too long it's been too busy for God. Through this He has been beckoning to me and I have nowhere to go but towards Him. <br />
<br />
<br />
On an airplane a few weeks ago, I was returning from a trip and on my second flight of the day, wanted to sleep. It was a short flight, but enough of a catnap to help me rest before the drive home from the airport. I sometimes talk to people on flights, other times I don't. Depends on my mood. I looked to my left and the woman next to me had this tattoo on the inside of her forearm that said HOPE in huge letters. It gripped me that someone who would put this as such a large reminder on their arm probably had some major reason for doing so. I suddenly began crying (this is a side effect of grief and hormones I've since learned) and began digging around in my bag for the tissues I knew had to be in there. I didn't want it to be obvious I was crying but suddenly I began hearing something in my head. A tune, and then some words began to flow with it. I wondered what song had come to mind and then I realized, it's not one I've heard before. I grabbed my notebook and through my tears penned an entire song in about 20 minutes. The funny part about how I write music (and by the way haven't written anything like this in YEARS) is that I always get words WITH the tune. Which makes it fun to try to write as you have to figure out what chord progression goes with your tune. Kind of backwards but for some reason that's always how I write. I was amazed and inspired that God would give me such a gift set off by emotion and someone else's tattoo. I wish I had asked that girl what her tattoo stood for but I can only imagine it was a reminder to hang on. I needed it that day.<br />
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More crazy, out of the woodwork things have happened to help me find peace during this storm. I was flipping through my bible this past weekend while listening to an amazing speaker encouraging pastors and deacons wives at a conference. I flipped suddenly to an ultrasound picture that I forgot I had stuck in my Bible one day hoping to hide it from my little girl. I wanted to hide it as it was my 2nd Ultrasound picture, when I first began to experience bleeding a few days after my first ultrasound. They had me come in when I called and explained my symptoms 4 days later. Heartbeat was 155, baby looked good and was growing. It's the last picture I have of my baby alive. I stared at our little peanut for a minute, then my eyes were drawn below it to a scripture. I had inadvertently stuck this picture in Psalm 39. Let me share what I found.<br />
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Psalm 39:15 says "For I hope in You, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord my God." This seemed to be a prophetic placement of the picture of the baby that would pass away just days later. If you read on to Verse 17, it says, "For I am ready to fall, and my sorry is continually before me."<br />
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That day I quickly stuck this picture into my bible so Lizzie wouldn't know something could be wrong and wouldn't worry, I obviously didn't realize where I had put it. I hadn't even seen it in weeks. And that day when I stuck it in my bible and stuffed the continually nagging feeling that something was not OK with the baby, I was unaware that my sorrow really was still before me.<br />
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Right now my theme is all about trying to take one day at a time. Trying to allow myself to cry and grieve when I need to, talk to the people who don't mind me talking about it all.the.time (you know who you are - I love you!) and look to the future purpose I know this awful experience was designed for. You see, I don't believe that suffering comes without purpose. My faith in Christ tells me that we all suffer for a purpose, as did He. He suffered more than I ever will. This is not a time to turn away from God no matter how much I wish He had let me have this baby. After all, He knows what it's like to lose a child.<br />
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That speaker last weekend shared with us that there are several reasons why God allows hardship. <br />
<br />
She shared that Trials can be to:<br />
- TEST us - are you who you say you are?<br />
- CORRECT us - we may be heading toward danger, move us down another path or direction.<br />
- PERFECT us - to refine us and continue to make us more like the image of God himself.<br />
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I'm not saying I think I lost this baby so God could teach me a lesson, please don't misunderstand. But I do believe losing this baby has had and will have a major purpose in our lives. Not just for future ministry, but for my life in general. It has caused me to run to God instead of putting every obstacle and excuse between myself and growing closer to Him and growing in my spiritual walk.<br />
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I do believe through everything we experience we are being perfected. Like it mentions in Malachi 3:3, "He will sit as a smelter and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver so that they may present to the Lord offerings of righteousness." Someone who is purifying gold or silver puts it in FIRE to remove the impurities. It is hotter than we really can stand, on our own. God is perfecting me and through this grief, sadness and all of these tears, I hope to reflect more of His image than I ever have because of this. So my loss can have a tangible and meaningful purpose.<br />
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My life is no longer about keeping everything separate or being careful not to mention my faith much on this blog. I feel strongly called to share my grief with all of you, and share how God is helping me through it. I don't know why. I don't personally know most of those of you who are reading this right now. But God does. He knows everything.<br />
<br />
And He holds my future. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that this glorious sadness will bring continued joy. And while I would gladly accept my child back in a heartbeat, I also do not regret this newly found closeness I am experiencing with my Father in heaven.<br />
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I can picture Him rocking my baby back and forth. My daughter named the baby Andrew James. We don't know for sure it was a boy, but in the several dreams I had about the baby, I always saw a boy. While I know my arms will not hold Andrew this side of heaven, I know I have a beautiful angel waiting for me. Until we meet again, I am going to do my best to comfort others who have also lost or are lost themselves.<br />
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Please comment if I can be praying for you. I find myself having time now that I'm making time in my daily devotion so I will gladly add you to my list.<br />
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I'll leave you with a song that came on my ipod this morning during a 5k race. I didn't get to pick the playlist as I didn't get my ipod working until halfway through the race (yeah the lock button prevents you from pressing play!). I just hit play and this song came up in the playlist and I had forgotten about it. I began crying (yep, again) but quickly had to compose myself so I could breathe and finish the race. <br />
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I'm SO glad He is not done with me yet! <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yU2drg8FtBg">Change in the Making by Addison Road.</a> <br />
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Clara ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-63955208834168637332015-04-05T22:16:00.002-05:002015-04-07T10:04:45.486-05:00Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost...Hello world...been out of touch online for awhile. I gave up Facebook for the Lent season and since I interact with my blog world so much through Facebook that sort of went offline as well. I also had a great deal going on that I wasn't quite prepared to share with the world. You might need a tissue for this one. I did.<br />
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<br />
As I look back on the last 40 days, I'm amazed at how much has happened and how it actually feels like months and months have passed with the range of emotions we have experienced. We have had the best and the worst of times in a short month and few weeks. Our family's story has forever changed.<br />
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Some of you know we have an 11 year old little girl, or really little young lady now. She's been my world her entire life. We waited to try to have more children for a few reasons. First, my brain tumor diagnosis some years back along with the complication of being over 100 pounds overweight, add in my husband going back to college, me finishing college, moving three times, buying a house, trying to sell a house and several job changes and there was just never a time that felt right. Well, we finally felt like the timing was good for us to expand our family and excitedly set out to accomplish just that.<br />
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Lo and behold, I became pregnant on the first try! Yikes and wow, right? I'm 36 now and was 25 when I had L all those years ago. I was ecstatic that I was able to conceive again and began making lots of plans and saw the dreams I've put on hold for over a decade coming to fruition, finally. Over the last few years I had been collecting cute maternity clothes, baby clothes of both genders just in case, and had even begun making plans for work to be able to take the time necessary away from my job.<br />
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My first doctor's appointment was on March 19th and the ultrasound showed a healthy little peanut looking baby moving around and a strong heartbeat of 144! We were so happy to see all was well. The baby measure a little smaller than my calculations had estimated, but my midwife was not overly concerned about that. We continued on our plans of letting our little girl know the news the next night during a family photo shoot in Savannah with the huge surprised planned halfway through it. She burst into tears when we presented her with her "I'm the Big Sister" charm bracelet. I've never seen her so happy in all her life.<br />
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{These amazing photos taken by Apt B. Photography in Savannah, GA <a href="http://www.aptbphotography.com/">www.aptbphotography.com</a>, if you are in the Savannah area, you must contact her, she is amazing!}</div>
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We spent the weekend in absolute familial bliss. My daughter was talking to "Peanut" in my belly, bought the baby a toy and began making her own plans and just enjoying the future to come. My girl has prayed for a little brother or sister for as long as she could talk. We enjoyed our time together and traveled home. The next day we let Elizabeth make the announcement to the church congregation my husband pastors and they were all as thrilled for us as we were for ourselves. Eight weeks may seem a little early to share with the "world" but our church family is our family, and we wanted them to be praying for us.<br />
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Over that weekend on and off I did begin experiencing some complications. I called the doctor Monday and they said to come on in. An ultrasound showed our little peanut had grown appropriately since the prior Thursday and the heartbeat was up to 155. All looked well.<br />
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The next day I flew to WV for work and the complications continued while I was gone, though I didn't feel unwell. I called the doctor that Wednesday and she said to come in on Friday when I returned from my trip.<br />
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Friday morning I got ready as normal with my husband and we headed to the doctor. I felt a little silly, going for a third ultrasound in 8 days, but something was telling me we needed to go. The complications I was experiencing are some that many women experience through pregnancy so it wasn't terribly alarming.<br />
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The ultrasound began and immediately I realized something was different. There was no movement. The little heart I had seen thudding speedily on the monitors before had stopped and the picture was still. For a moment I didn't realize what was happening. "I don't see a heartbeat," I said to the ultrasound technician desperately hoping I was wrong. "I don't either," she replied. She tried multiple other angles and even turned the sound on as she had just 4 days before for us to hear the steady and beautiful beating of our baby's heart. Instead the silence in my womb was deafening. All was quiet. My baby, that I had prayed for, rejoiced over, anticipated, and desired so greatly was gone. Based on the growth, it appeared the baby passed on Wednesday or Thursday of that week. My husband and I celebrated 15 years of marriage on Wednesday the 25th.<br />
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We sat together in silence while we waited for the doctor to come into the room to confirm our fears. He was compassionate and kind, and explained that my body was experiencing a "missed miscarriage" (also known as a "missed abortion" which is an awful word) where the fetus is not viable and passes away, but your body doesn't do what it needs to in order to complete the miscarriage. He told me I could miscarry the baby on my own over the weekend or we could complete a D&C surgical procedure the following week.<br />
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Numbly we scheduled the surgery for Monday and stumbled out of the office. In the parking lot, I crumbled and my husband and I just held each other and cried for awhile. We were both completely and utterly shocked and lost. I realize now that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage or loss. I just didn't expect to be one of the four. Who does?<br />
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Knowing we had to drive home and begin the task of breaking the sad news to our wonderful church family, our relatives and most importantly our beautiful, hope filled little girl made me physically ill. My heart broke as much for her as it did for myself.<br />
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The great sadness made us implode temporarily and we spent the weekend crying, not sleeping and researching. My husband went to church Sunday morning and preached a sermon about hope and not being angry with God in our times of sorrow. I read blogs of women who had experienced miscarriage, read a book about how to begin to heal from our loss, and after my research decided to go through with the procedure the following Monday. I couldn't bear the thought of waiting on my body to expel my sweet baby and frankly, I was scared of what would happen. Monday morning I called the doctor and requested a final ultrasound before the procedure. They graciously obliged and we once again set out for the doctor's office.<br />
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The ultrasound confirmed what we already knew. Our little peanut had gone to be with Jesus the week before and I had the confirmation I needed in order to go through with the procedure. We crossed the parking lot to the surgery center and checked ourselves in.<br />
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I was emotional at a few different points before the procedure in pre-op and while waiting. It seemed so...final.<br />
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I couldn't help but think of the story of Job in the bible. He lost everything. His children, his wealth, his home and finally his health. And yet, he remained faithful to the Lord he served. <br />
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<i>"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...blessed be the name of the Lord." </i> Job 1:21b<br />
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Those words were some of the first thoughts I had as I awoke from anesthesia. I was also comforted greatly throughout the weekend before by Psalm 23:<br />
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<span class="reftext"></span><i>The L<span style="font-size: xx-small;">ORD</span> is my shepherd, I shall not want.</i><br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>He makes me lie down in green pastures;<br />He leads me beside quiet waters.</i><br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>He restores my soul;<br />He guides me in the paths of righteousness<br />For His name’s sake.</i><br />
<i>Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,</i><br />
<i>I fear no evil, for You are with me;<br />Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.</i><br />
<i><span class="reftext"></span>You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;<br />You have anointed my head with oil;<br />My cup overflows.<span class="reftext"></span> </i><br />
<i>Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,</i><br />
<i>And I will dwell in the house of the L<span style="font-size: xx-small;">ORD</span> forever.</i><br />
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When I was reading the book <u>What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage</u> by Elise Erikson Barrett, one of the stages of grief she discusses is regarding Anger. I read through that section in wonder, and each morning have awoken wondering if this would be the day that I am angry that our baby died.<br />
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I have yet to be angry and I'm not sure that I will experience that. I have accepted the fact that this baby is gone, and was able to bypass the pain of this world in order to live forever in glory with God. I am sad for us, sad for the life and soul I will never get to know. Sad for my daughter missing out on a sibling. Sad that my dreams and plans came to a screeching halt in a sudden and unexpected way. But I am not angry. I am not jealous of other women who are expecting a baby, or have recently had one. In fact, one of my dearest friends has allowed me to spend some time with her four month old in the last week and I have found the giggles, smiles and baby burps comforting. I sang her to sleep the other day after she had a bottle and my heart felt joy.<br />
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I'm thankful that I have this peace and I know that I'm not alone in all of this sadness and sorrow. We've had multitudes of people checking on us, running errands for us, sending cards, flowers, texts messages and phone calls. The support has been tremendous and I am thankful we shared our news with so many dear to us. Had we kept it to ourselves, I would not have been surrounded by support.<br />
<br />
I don't believe I hurt less because I'm not angry. But I think having accepted our new reality, our new family storyline, has allowed me to move to a peaceful place in my heart, albeit sorrowful.<br />
<br />
The grief and sadness have surprised me. It hits me at the oddest moments. When I'm in the shower. When I realize my girl is asleep and I can finally "lose it." When all is quiet in the house, and I'm not tired enough to sleep, the wave of sadness knocks me over once again. When I was helping hide Easter eggs and thought of the child I would never know to see the wonder and fun of an egg hunt I cried. When my daughter turned to me after the party and said, "This Easter would be so special if Peanut was still here..." through her inconsolable tears and questions of why.<br />
<br />
I've been blown away by the compassion shown to me by women who have experienced this pain. There are usually no words anyone can utter to make you feel better about this. I have learned through some unhelpful comments by those who mean well, but have never experienced the loss of a child that one simply cannot understand this pain nor adequately speak to it until you've felt it for yourself. Before I had my daughter 11 years ago, I remember different friends who were parents telling me, "You have NO idea how much you will love this child until the moment you meet them. I can't even describe it to you." I thought that was weird, but when I looked into those blue green eyes for the first time, I got it. I really got it. The love was indescribable, unexpected, and forever changed me.<br />
<br />
<br />
The same could be said for a miscarriage or loss of a pregnancy. You have NO idea how much you will hurt, grieve and mourn the loss of your baby until you actually lose one. It's indescribable, unexpected, and something that has also forever changed me.<br />
<br />
Time and our faith will help us continue to heal, both physically and emotionally. I realize that something must have been wrong with our baby for it not to be able to continue growing and thriving. This realization does NOT make me miss my baby any less. It does not take away the pain of our loss and it does not lessen the magnitude of that loss in any way. There is no "oh well, maybe next time" kind of feeling in my heart when I consider this child. Will we try again? Yes, absolutely. For another child. Nothing, however, will replace this one. Ever.<br />
<br />
Everyone's journey is different. I do not have the false belief that my journey is easier or more difficult than anyone else has experienced. I do know that without my faith and comfort of my Savior, this would all look and feel different to me. I know He is carrying me through this sad time, and has a purpose for our pain.<br />
<br />
Another scripture that has really resonated with me is 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 which says,<i> "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort
those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves
are comforted by God. <span class="reftext"></span>For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."</i><br />
<br />
I have to believe that God will use this experience for our family to comfort others who grieve loss in a more personal way going forward. <br />
<br />
A few months ago I sang this song at church and had no idea how much I would need it now. In fact, these lyrics flooded my mind while we were still in the doctor's office that sad day. I know at some point God will use this to encourage someone else, and for that reason, I'm posting a link to the video today.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfveawSAHJA">I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe</a><br />
<br />
Today, I am sad, broken, and humbled by this loss. But I am not alone in this. I would not change having shared our joy and I don't regret getting excited so early on in the process and I would do both again in a heartbeat. The gift of life is one that will always fill me with excitement, wonder and hope.<br />
<br />
And as Alford Lord Tennyson said so eloquently, <i>"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." </i><br />
<br />
I will celebrate that I was able to experience this gift, even if it remains unopened to my human eyes on this side of heaven as it will remain a part of my heart forever.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I will continue to find comfort in the arms of my sweet family, allow myself to be cradled by the prayers of many, and seek joy each day in being present and thankful for this life.<br />
<br />
~ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-744465686072812052015-02-07T11:35:00.000-06:002015-02-07T11:49:33.582-06:00Chasing My PlansHey all!<br />
<br />
Last month I wrote all about plans vs. goals and how 2015 would be one of plans. I'm super glad I didn't set actual goals, as January did NOT turn out as I had planned at all...here's a recap.<br />
<br />
I did GREAT the first two weeks, staying on track with my strict paleo during the week and a few paleo treats on the weekends. I traveled the first two weeks and kept up fairly well with my exercise plans when I had enough sleep which is always a challenge with unpredictable levels of bed comfort in hotels. My eating stayed on target and my co-workers who were traveling with me commented on how "good" I was being. I don't consider it good, it's just me doing what I planned. Period. One colleague caught sight of my 25lb kettlebell when I was checking out of the hotel, since I was driving it wasn't in my suitcase (I strap them in for safety in the car). Most people don't really know what a kettlebell is so I was surprised when she said, "Wow, you must be dedicated lugging a kettlebell around with you!" I told her it wasn't a heavy one and she lifted it up and said, "Uh, yeah it is." Perspective, my friends.<br />
<br />
The following week I did take Fred (yes, I name them, Fred and Wilma are my 25lb kb pair) on the trip to Baltimore and had a few funny things happen. First, I realized that where I parked at the airport meant I had to go up an escalator with my huge checked bag (full of a kettlebell) and my 2nd bag (SW lets you bring a 2nd bag for free which is great as I brought a ton of clothes as I wasn't sure what I needed in MD in January!) AND my purse/laptop bag. I was afraid of falling down the escalator (I have a story of getting stuck on one as a girl scout when I was 7 and scratching up my shins trying to escape) but I managed. On the way home I actually dropped my 2nd bag on the way back down and me and the guy standing people watching watched it roll down the empty (thankfully) escalator then I was only able to kick it off at the bottom. LOL! I swear if people just watch me there's free entertainment.<br />
<br />
Anyway I managed to stay on task food wise and exercise wise on this trip and felt good. On the way home I was really tired, but understandably so. Landed in Atlanta on Thursday around 2:30pm, got almost stuck in the parking garage as the automatic credit card payment machine wasn't working. It was freezing rain and I didn't want to stop to eat but got a kombucha, rotisserie chicken and some sweet potato chips for the ride home (not a good idea - I eat the entire bag and they make my stomach hurt!). I pulled into the driveway and suddenly realized I had a fever.<br />
<br />
Yep, the group of safety patrol kids, that against my better judgment I followed into the restroom had infected me with the plague (this is my theory anyway). Couldn't have been the airplanes, hotels or 75 people from 14 different Assisted living communities that could have infected me. :) Had to be the safety patrols.<br />
<br />
Next afternoon made it to the dr and began the tamiflu. Yeah, I skipped the flu shot this year and while I heard it wasn't 100% effective still probably should have gotten it. Oops. Spent the next two weeks absolutely lethargic, nauseated, and feeling like I had died. Went 8 days without going out in public. I had to be re socialized and the opportunity to bite someone was high. We all survived.<br />
<br />
But I still felt bad. Of course, once I got sick, my eating well kind of went out the window. Not 100% but I didn't feel like cooking, or teaching my husband to cook me paleo food, though he did try. I just felt like crap and focused on survival. I began to worry something else might be wrong - I mean, I had tamiflu, a zpack and was still feeling like I had died.<br />
<br />
Was I pregnant? Oh crap. Sure enough my next cycle was 5 days late and super short (the one last month was 2 weeks late). Hmmm...<br />
<br />
Went to my doctor and she did a bunch of bloodwork which was all fine (and confirmed I was NOT pregnant) but we both felt like there was "something" in the right side of my pelvis. The next week I experienced pelvic pain, discomfort, continued nausea and exhaustion. I was referred to my ob/gyn to do an ultrasound and see what this "thing" was.<br />
<br />
Now you know, living with a brain tumor, I don't typically freak out about possible health issues. I remain what I call realistically positive. I am a woman of faith, I've seen God do some incredibly amazing things in my life. I've seen Him answer prayers the way I fervently prayed and in ways I couldn't have even pictured. I've also witnessed God answer prayers in ways I did not anticipate. Sometimes He says no.<br />
<br />
But this time, I was actually deep down pretty scared . I'm about to be 36, having hormonal symptoms that were pretty scary and went from feeling like a fabulously fit albeit "bigger" girl to a couch potato in a matter of weeks. How could the flu really do this to me and have me down THIS long? I mean, I had heard it was bad, but this was ridiculous.<br />
<br />
I managed to get an appointment this past Wednesday to see my specialist in Macon for the pelvic pain. I was in Atlanta for work and headed down to Macon for the afternoon, trying to keep my mind busy and off of what I thought was going to be an inevitably poor diagnosis.<br />
<br />
She did an exam and didn't feel anything significant on the right side. Both sides (ovaries) were sore but she said it was likely just ovulation given where I am in my cycle. The ultrasound confirmed the same. There are some cysts, and sign of maybe even older cysts that had burst, but nothing out of the ordinary. Except what they could see of my gut in the ultrasound. Apparently my gut is very very unhappy which can mirror pelvic pain as it's basically "lower half" pain.<br />
<br />
Being on antibiotics for pretty much the past 3-4 weeks (my 2nd dr visit showed a sinus infection so I started a new round then) basically has left my gut with ZERO good bacteria, which is needed. Ah, this is why people take probiotics...<br />
<br />
Oops.<br />
<br />
Also, my eating has been off track the last 2 months really. Since Thanksgiving and my "intentional pumpkin cheesecake treat that turned into migraines and being off track for 8 weeks" I hadn't really gotten a grip on my binging. I felt like I was eating well throughout the week but as always, one "treat" meal turns into a "treat day" turns into a "treat weekend" and even a paleo treat hangover on Monday.<br />
<br />
Sigh...my life. The struggle folks. It's REAL.<br />
<br />
Eating poorly for that long has thrown my ENTIRE system off! Not only is my gut unhappy, my female system got all screwed up, ovulation HURTS and I ended up with a freaking cancer scare! Is it entirely to blame on eating? No, absolutely not. I had the flu and it kicked my tail. But I know had I been eating Whole 30 during this time I might not have gotten as sick or for as long. I hadn't been on an antibiotic in almost a year! And here I am, periods all off, sick as a dog and wondering "what could be happening to me?" <br />
<br />
DUH! Do you remember a few years ago, before I found paleo, my period went away for 8 months. Like TOTALLY gone. I took a zillion pregnancy tests though I was on the pill at that time. My ob/gyn at the time said it was likely just having been on birth control for a decade. She said you may have endometriosis, but there's no point in exploring that, doing surgical testing, etc., if you aren't looking to have more babies right now. And I wasn't. So I left it alone. We also wondered if my physical activity could have halted my cycle. Who knew?<br />
<br />
I do know this, and not sure I've ever shared this, but the FIRST month I did a Whole 30 my period came back after it's hiatus. I was sort of happy to see it.<br />
<br />
Think nutrition doesn't affect your hormones/female cycles? Maybe for you it doesn't. For me? IT DOES.<br />
<br />
So 14 days ago today I started another Whole 30. My 7th (I think? haha) in 2 years. And I feel good. I'm bloated, and now taking a probiotic to heal my poor abused gut.<br />
<br />
Some of the feeling bad was that vicious cycle that got me to 285 pounds in the first place some years back. I had developed sleep apnea due to how large my neck had become. So I was always exhausted. Too tired to exercise. No exercise equaled no energy. No energy meant too tired to exercise. It's a bad cycle and too easy to get caught up in it.<br />
<br />
All the feeling bad I've done this last month has once again put me in that place. So I decided, when I left the doctor's office this past Wednesday, that I needed to get back to my activity level. Start lifting weights again. And running some (sorry Nate) and of course, walking.<br />
<br />
I'm chasing my plans, yet again. Readjusting based on circumstances. PRAISING GOD that I don't appear to have cancer or anything seriously wrong with me. In awe of the fact that continues to prove itself to me over and over again, that IT ALL STARTS WITH FOOD. It really, truly does, folks. For me, anyway.<br />
<br />
I am about to go do my Simple and Sinister workout, second KB workout in the last 3 weeks. Then going for a run with my little girl. No idea how far we will get but if I can eek out a slow steady 2 miles I'll be super happy.<br />
<br />
Ready to feel like myself again. And taking control of that as I WILL feel like myself again. It is amazing how much control I actually have over that. That line of thinking that things are just "happening" to me doesn't apply right now. Sometimes, I realize, it does. But right now? It does not.<br />
<br />
I'm creating the plans that will equal results right now. I know what to do, how to do it, and you know what? I'm doing it.<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening to my super long diatribe - I hope it inspires you to take the reigns back. Chase your plans. DO something. Stop thinking about it. Stop making excuses about it. Stop letting life happen to you.<br />
<br />
YOU GO <strike>TRY TO</strike> MAKE IT HAPPEN. <strike>WHEN YOU CAN</strike>.<br />
<br />
<b><u>NOW</u></b><br />
<br />
Peace,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-41719588332331352982015-01-03T19:45:00.001-06:002015-01-03T20:59:43.963-06:002015 Goals & PlansThis blog break has been quite a bit longer than I had planned and I apologize if anyone has been holding their breath. I have to say, so much has happened in the last 3 months, so first I will give a brief update, and then jump into my 2015 Goals & Plans.<br />
<br />
When I last wrote, I was coming off of a September Whole 30 and incredulous over my weight vs. how I was looking. I tweaked my plan in October/November and tracked my macros pretty faithfully. I did well, not huge weight loss still (trying to continue to remember it is not a linear process) but was pretty happy with how I was looking, how my clothes fitting, but most of all, how strong I had become.<br />
<br />
During all of this time, my husband began having some serious back issues. In between getting epidural nerve blocks and physical therapy he did manage to get a little bit of hunting in this season. I support this endeavor for two reasons, first, because he loves it and it is good for his psyche. Second, we eat what he hunts (venison) so it fills our freezer with pretty organic meat. Well, he managed one day to have a great day and kill two deer in one day. This is fantastic except for the part of actually carrying the animals, then cleaning them and separating the meat into coolers to be iced down for the next 3 days. We fill the coolers with ice, then drain them daily and re-ice them, before taking them to a meat processor to put in shiny packages for us.<br />
<br />
So here we were, with my husband barely able to bend over to pick up a sock and he had 2 deer divided into 3 coolers. That had to find their way into the back of his truck.<br />
<br />
Enter Clara, the girl who is now front squatting with 65lbs of kettlebells. I wasn't sure how my strength workouts would equate in the "real" world use of my muscles but I was willing to try.<br />
<br />
Sure enough I spotted the largest cooler, and felt it weighed around 80 pounds based on how it felt. I carefully squatted down, grabbed it and picked it up, sliding it out the back door into the back of his truck. The other two coolers were smaller and thus much easier. I walked away from this feeling great. Nothing hurt, and I felt accomplished. And STRONG!<br />
<br />
Moral of the story? I love feeling strong and being capable of using my strength in a practical way. And while I may not have hit the elusive 165 pound goal I have set for myself multiple times over the past few years, I did gain strength in 2014 among a few other things. <br />
<br />
I also completed multiple strength programs last year. P90X3, two different 30 day rounds of Pat Flynn's Kettlebell training programs, the 30 day kettlebell swing program, and multiple other kettlebell combinations along with Simple and Sinister. I started the year swinging a 20lb kettlebell and finished easily swinging a 30lb with one hand or doing double swings with a total of 50-60lbs. My Turkish Getups went from 20lbs to 30lbs. I worked through a shoulder injury and began a monthly massage regimen and continued to tweak my nutrition and figure out what works and what doesn't.<br />
<br />
I learned that what I struggle with is a full on food addiction, and needed to be treated as such. I began exploring what it means to be an addict and how to deal with an addition that you can't ever walk away from (food).<br />
<br />
Outside of fitness, I achieved my SPHR (Senior Professional in Human Resources) certification this past December. I passed the PHR exam back in 2005, so it was time to try for the upgraded certification. I was definitely nervous about it as first, I don't test well and second, I don't like to study and third, there is a 40-50% fail rate for this test. GULP. It was terrifying but with some studying and even more prayer, I passed and never have to take it again. This was totally a stretch goal for me this year and I'm so happy I pushed myself to get it done.<br />
<br />
I also secured a job I love with a fantastic company that has a great deal of promise. What I do everyday is needed, necessary, and I get to spend my time serving people who serve the elderly. <br />
<br />
I may not have achieved everything I set out to do in 2014, but I'm pretty pleased with how it all turned out and how 2015 is looking for me. My priorities have changed a great deal. I'm focused on health and strength, and much less on size and the scale.<br />
<br />
GASP. I know! <br />
<br />
Does this mean I'm giving up reaching 165 someday? Not at all. It just means I think I'm discovering that setting "goals" isn't as prosperous for me as making "plans" has been.<br />
<br />
I've missed or changed so many goals over these last 5 years of my journey to better health. And yet, I've made so much progress and gained so much health that I honestly don't look at the things I haven't achieved yet as stumbling blocks at all.<br />
<br />
But setting a goal to "lose 10 pounds in January" or "reach 165 by July 31st" - while these might be good overall goals, I know I will only reach them if I PLAN well.<br />
<br />
I want my focus to be less goal driven and more plan driven in 2015. I want to focus on making sure I plan weekly for what I want to achieve <i>that week.</i><br />
<br />
I think going one week at a time will be best for me right now. I don't want to make any huge declarations about the scale (though I'll admit I've gained a few pounds over the last few weeks!) nor am I giving up my dreams of being the best version of myself I can be.<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i>I need to remember I am 35 years old, a wife of almost 15 years, mother to an incredible 11 year old girl, in a great place in my career and overall in better health than most having lost 100 pounds without any surgery or crazy pills or shakes. I did it on my own and that is something to be proud of. </i><br />
<br />
So right now I'm planning my first week in January, to get myself back on track nutritionally (paleo) and begin a new exercise routine. I'm doing a combination of Simple & Sinister kettlebells (swings and getups) as well as adding back in some T25 and running. <br />
<br />
Basically, I want to do things that make me happy. I read this great book last year called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It was a neat exploration of how to rid your life of things that don't make you happy and fill your life with things that will. This might mean trying new things or ridding your life of old habits that are just not making you happy. There are some neat tools I want to explore to possibly use and do my own happiness project. I'm a pretty positive and happy person overall but I do really well with plans and parameters so maybe this is all coming together nicely...hmmm...<br />
<br />
I want to be happier in 2015, and I think I can be if I continue to grow spiritually, work on my financial goals and consider a few stretch goals, added happiness will be a given.<br />
<br />
Things I would love to achieve in 2015? I'd love to become fluent in Spanish...pay off the last of our debts (Sallie Mae!) and become more regular with my devotion/prayer time and spiritual growth. Definitely not going to try to do all of that in January, obvs, but I will spend January trying to figure out what good goals might come from my plans...and then map out the strategy to get there. And some stuff? I'll just DO it. Shut up, stop talking about it and DO it. Workouts, good nutrition and daily devotion time are a given there.<br />
<br />
I hope as I work through 2015 I am able to inspire you to keep on going in your own journey to better health be it spiritual, mental, physical or financial. If nothing else, you will find in me an example of someone who stumbles regularly, has fallen a few times, but has also achieved some incredible things.<br />
<br />
This is a year of short term goals and plans for me. I'll take it day by day, week by week, and month by month. And I hope I have a good recap for you a year from today on how it all went (don't worry, I'll blog some too!). If this next year is anything like 2014, it will be exciting and I'm sure contain some of the unexpected as well (wink wink).<br />
<br />
Cheers to you on the cusp of this exciting time. I feel like I'm getting ready to rip open the gift of the present...and I plan to unwrap it a corner at a time each day.<br />
<br />
Join me?<br />
<br />
Clara<br />
<br />
<br />ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-85600107679570659682014-09-30T21:40:00.003-05:002014-09-30T21:40:59.479-05:00Guess My Weight?I was recently reading a blog by JillFit about how she played the "guess my weight" game at a carnival and the carnival worker did not get it within 10lbs.<br />
<br />
So I placed a "guess my weight" on my Facebook page yesterday to see what would happen.<br />
<br />
You see, many people hide their weight and would never tell people the number. I think that is a little silly, because it's not like you can hide how you look...but then again, you've all known my weight since it was 285, so maybe I'm immune to feeling weird about people knowing that.<br />
<br />
Or maybe, just maybe, part of me knows that walking around weighing "heavy" but looking the way I do today might encourage someone not to give up, nor to let the number on the scale define them.<br />
<br />
Because it is just ONE factor in a series of many health numbers that should mean something about your overall health.<br />
<br />
And today, I'm healthier and more fit than I was when I was 16 years old and about 25 pounds lighter. <br />
<br />
So back to the game. Here is the picture I posted on my FB page:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM8NhOZDSB3yIvfEA824CzmzW4mEpiM7bMi5wPwUVNseMYfpTC4MTZQL67ATXSBdJ05rsKYnF0DuJOQxwoH8OFaeknckTZ6wKLwRbJNEDflxllSp_ebdT0WEwoEyrq9kgclYnvZ9Uadi8/s1600/187+wha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM8NhOZDSB3yIvfEA824CzmzW4mEpiM7bMi5wPwUVNseMYfpTC4MTZQL67ATXSBdJ05rsKYnF0DuJOQxwoH8OFaeknckTZ6wKLwRbJNEDflxllSp_ebdT0WEwoEyrq9kgclYnvZ9Uadi8/s1600/187+wha.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Weight guesses from my Facebook fan page: 140, 162, 150, 165. Actual weight in this picture: 187.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I snapped this photo last Thursday, which was day 30 of my most recent Whole 30. I was actually a little ticked off when I took the picture. I had ambled onto the scale after finding it in the closet and dusting it off...and it was not nice to me. I got off and back on a few times, truly in disbelief. 187? I mean, I had watched my body transforming, what had happened? 3.4 pounds lost in 30 days with all of that hard work? Unbelievable. <br />
<br />
The way my clothes were fitting, the way I felt, I could have sworn I lost 10 pounds, easily, if not more.<br />
<br />
But alas, I did not.<br />
<br />
So I snapped this picture before my workout and wondered, how do I weigh this much and look like I do? Now, please don't misunderstand, I am NOT where I need to be yet, NOT saying I'm done, but I DO NOT hate the way I look right now. Do I look perfect? No. Am I skinny? Nope. (**not a look I'm going for anyway truthfully). Do I have work to do still? Yep. <br />
<br />
But I don't loathe my reflection. When I look in this mirror, I see strength. I see perseverance. I see a girl who is a mere shadow of who she used to be.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ_Ab6VdzZ78IegnUOKgILF0RjJ_s3mUFoj8SVxAjOnS_9m_hzR07DOxWnMrQ2F1YMIoydIwzitzeEuoRjwn0u3V8GFSQiExXYLwqjt2vNVMxaRyn_Fd_PppR70dR763A2gHgQz_Yqj8M/s1600/305052_132068063556795_5502653_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ_Ab6VdzZ78IegnUOKgILF0RjJ_s3mUFoj8SVxAjOnS_9m_hzR07DOxWnMrQ2F1YMIoydIwzitzeEuoRjwn0u3V8GFSQiExXYLwqjt2vNVMxaRyn_Fd_PppR70dR763A2gHgQz_Yqj8M/s1600/305052_132068063556795_5502653_n.jpg" height="243" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ah, the purple shirt picture. From June 2009. Weight 285 pounds. I remember how miserable it was on this trip fitting into rides at Dollywood. Walking all day almost killed me. A river almost swallowed me up as I laid like a turtle on my back on the inner tube. Shirt was a 3x. Capris were size 22. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvoR5dggmD8CVkO9tdsWcQT1DENABS6Z1yWNKSebsT9UtSOBXtuXu8eiw4x9SGmNQ_q_o3g5c938tuHO5Moo5Oy_oBTlz_1PTiBRUIOrrKe9HTJoWBnGxOK3WB6IQlIL4xHd519QIEeUU/s1600/426680_387432704686995_2068536222_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvoR5dggmD8CVkO9tdsWcQT1DENABS6Z1yWNKSebsT9UtSOBXtuXu8eiw4x9SGmNQ_q_o3g5c938tuHO5Moo5Oy_oBTlz_1PTiBRUIOrrKe9HTJoWBnGxOK3WB6IQlIL4xHd519QIEeUU/s1600/426680_387432704686995_2068536222_n.jpg" height="320" width="289" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sometime in 2009. That shirt was a 3x in the first 2 pics and the pants a size 22. The one with me playing the guitar is actually from Thanksgiving the year before - when my brother posted it on Facebook and tagged me I immediately removed the tag I was so embarrassed. </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<br />
I'm not who I was. I'm also not yet who I will be. I see curves in my current picture, and even if all of them are not as my body was designed to cling to, they are still part of me...for now. I came to terms with the fact that I will never be one of those girls who is a size 2. It's not how I am shaped. There is nothing wrong with people who are shaped that way. I'm glad for them if they are healthy! {hint - they pick on themselves too, by the way. life isn't perfect for a "skinny" chick. And by the way, don't pick on them for being skinny - it's not fair for us to get upset when people call us fat, but we can make fun of skinny people? What if they can't help it?}<br />
<br />
But I will be the healthiest version of me I can be. Regardless of the number on the scale, which again, only accounts for ONE piece of the puzzle.<br />
<br />
In looking over my macros for the month, remember, I did track my food which you all know I hate to do and won't do forever, but for informational purposes. Turns out I lost exactly on track with what my Fitbit predicted. My overall macros weren't crazy, but my content needed tweaking. Too much fruit and fat, not enough protein and veggies was the overall verdict. I still saw results but they were halting and limited. Well, duh. <br />
<br />
So I've tweaked again. Shooting for a high protein number (1 gram for each pound of my goal weight) each day, increasing veggies and decreasing fruit. Leaving the RX bars in the cupboard (while they are high in protein, the figs/dates make them also very high in natural fruit sugar). Saving sweet potatoes only for days with extra strength workouts, and only in the meal just after my strength session.<br />
<br />
The way I'll be eating is really pretty much whole 30/paleo (learn more about how I eat <a href="http://whole30.com/">HERE</a>). {If you are new to my blog this must be said: my main disclaimer/vent about paleo eating is this - a great number of people eat "paleo" but don't necessarily eat healthily. Meaning they do 80/20 and their 80 is just ok, low carbish with minimal veggies, and their 20 is junk food. A healthy diet in my opinion and from my experience includes LOTS of veggies along with a good amount of protein and some fruit. Veggies at every.single.meal. Of the green kind. OK rant over.} I also considered adding black beans in and I still might, but only if I think I need them. Right now, I'm not convinced that I do but leaving my options open so not calling this a "whole 30."<br />
<br />
I've decided to do two week checkins - so I will weigh and measure in two weeks, though the strength program I'll be doing is a 30 day program. In two weeks if I'm jonesing for a "treat" then I'll have one. By the way - I'm also going to be walking a great deal! I used to poopoo walking as I didn't feel like it was a good enough workout for me (NOW - remember, I started this whole journey walking!). BUT walking is very good for fat loss I'm learning, especially immediately following a strength workout. So walk I go. <br /><br />I officially start Monday as I have a 5k already scheduled for Saturday. This week I'm tooling around with my food, figuring out numbers, practicing kettlebell moves and being thankful that even though I'm not at my magic 160-165 range, I am not sick feeling, unhealthy girl I was 5 short years ago.<br />
<br />
I'm made new. And I get to be made new as many times as it will take to get it "right." With that I'll leave you with one of my new favorite songs that kicks off my workouts these days. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this fat fight, and that I can be made new each day, with each workout, each good food decision and each prayer I send up for the strength to keep on keeping on.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd4qtmDGIWQ">Made New by Lincoln Brewster</a><br />
<br />
Peace,<br />
Clara<br />
ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-32661900696097409682014-08-30T15:04:00.002-05:002014-08-30T15:04:52.757-05:00Going from Good to BestEver heard this quote?<br />
<br />
<h3>
<i>"Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best."</i> </h3>
~ St. Jerome. (You will also find Tim Duncan of the Spurs as credited with this quote as he apparently taught it to his family.)<br />
<br />
I remember it from when I was a kid, though I can't pinpoint where I first heard it. For some reason it has been ringing in my ears for the last 24 hours and today I made the connection as to why.<br />
<br />
So when I blogged on August 9th, I was sharing how challenging things were for me. How I had hit some stumbling blocks, but then alternately made some huge progress. The week following that post, I made a conscious decision to do some off-roading (some people call it cheating but I refuse to use that word) when I found myself researching a restaurant called Hogs Head in Bluffton (entrance to Hilton Head Island where I was for work). This restaurant is all about farm to table and their menu was nothing short of AMAZING. Before I went to the restaurant I decided cheese in my appetizer would be happening. Because it was brie. And I love love love brie and rarely have it.<br />
<br />
Had an amazing dinner, enjoyed the brie/pear/walnut appetizer along with a beet salad appetizer with goat cheese (yes, still trying to like beets - meh). Had some amazing short ribs and homemade lavender cole slaw and a side of roasted brussel sprouts. Still doing really well. Then it was time for dessert.<br />
<br />
Normally on a menu, something called "chocolate, chocolate, chocolate" would just be ok to me, but not super tempting as even though I love chocolate, at a steakhouse this would just be an overly chocolatey loaded cake of some sort and I don't care about cake. <br />
<br />
But this. This was different. It was made from scratch amazingness - a chocolate creme brulee bottom, topped with chocolate ganache and creme de fresh. The rest of the meal was so amazing I was certain this was calorie worthy.<br />
<br />
Oh wow, was it ever.<br />
<br />
My tummy was a little ick from it all, but not terrible. The next day I definitely was fighting some sugar cravings and found myself eating dried mango when I got home from that trip. Thank goodness that is out of my house now...<br />
<br />
I reigned myself back in and did great the ENTIRE following week. I'm talking eating out 3 meals a day from Sunday through Thursday night. Dessert was offered EVERY NIGHT but nothing was really something I either hadn't tried or really wanted. I worked out EVERY day. I slept well. I was killing it! Then on the last day I had some cheese on my eggs at breakfast...and a cheesecake parfait (which was pretty good but not the best thing I've ever had) at lunch. Dinner was some chicken fingers and fried brussels (though they really seemed more like roasted, there was no breading). And a milkshake. Me and the freaking milkshakes.<br />
<br />
It still totally amazes me how quickly I can lose control like that, but I need to stop being surprised and just DO BETTER. <br />
<br />
So while those two weeks were MUCH BETTER than the weeks prior to that when I had milkshakes MULTIPLE times during the week and crap all the time, it wasn't my BEST.<br />
<br />
And I deserve my BEST.<br />
<br />
I started another Whole 30 this past Monday. I'm really excited about it. Almost a week in and I feel incredible. Amazing how food can do that for you. I feel my BEST on Whole 30. Doesn't mean I will always be 100% compliant. But I have to be careful with my treats, and I know that doing my BEST means going about a month without sugar, THEN maybe having a pre-planned treat in a controlled environment.<br />
<br />
It was a little sad not making my Saturday almond flour pancakes this morning, but the eggs, leftover roasted sweet potato and US wellness bacon made up for it.<br />
<br />
I'm also stepping up my workouts a little bit. I've decided to add a small amount of running back in - it's just good for my brain. I'm not going to replace my strength training, but will add to it. Not distances, just intervals and a 5k every now and then. Also kicking my kettlebell training up a notch. I love feeling strong and know that the stronger I am the leaner I will be. <br />
<br />
For fun, I ordered a fitbit again. Now that I have a phone it can sync with, it makes more sense to have one, remember last year I sent mine back as I couldn't sync it with my phone. My only beef with the device is it doesn't count my strength training as activity. I guess I can add it in, but crap, I was heart pounding pouring with sweat earlier after my kettlebell session and it said I had zero minutes of activity. But I knew that going into it and still think it will help me focus more. I'm going to try to track my food for a few weeks and make sure I'm logging a deficit as well. <br />
<br />
Sometimes it's just back to basics for me. And what I've proven throughout the last 18 months of this journey is that I have my BEST results when I'm consistently doing things (duh, right?). And those "things" will look different for every person, but for me, Whole 30 helps me stay accountable and true to the right way to eat for me, and training 6 days a week in one way or another helps me push harder and makes it easier to eat right.<br />
<br />
Don't settle my friends! While Good is Good, and Better is Better than Good, YOU DESERVE YOUR BEST!<br />
<br />
Find it.<br />
<br />
Peace,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-82958807116654946932014-08-09T10:06:00.002-05:002014-08-09T10:12:35.354-05:00One Lesson at a TimeI am unsure if you know how cathartic blogging has become for me. I received a bunch of private messages responding to the last blog I wrote and I am so glad my therapy seemed to resonate with a few of you out there. One great friend pointed out that I started the blog to remain accountable. Not blogging is like not logging my own accountability. Such a good point. Alas, my goal even in the craziness of my work travel and other life priorities, will be to blog at least once a week. <br />
<br />
After last week's full on heart dump, I felt like a new person. Not fixed, by any means, but had a new resolve, a new determination, and a new day with a clean slate. This is the beautiful thing about life. There is always another day to get it right, to try again. "Though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning."<br />
<br />
For me right now, that means there is always another day to learn a lesson. <br />
<br />
As many of you know I have a job where I travel for work. Right now my travel is super crazy and frequent due to an exciting merger my company just experienced week before last. This month, I will sleep in my own bed maybe a total of 10 nights, though it's likely closer to 8. I will be on the road for 31 days. This past week, for example, I drove to Atlanta on Sunday, then all over Atlanta Monday, to Nashville Tuesday, back to Atlanta Wednesday, all over Atlanta Thursday and Friday then returned home late Friday night. I drove over 1100 miles total and that doesn't even count the other miles I drove to drop my baby girl off with the grandparents last Sunday afternoon BEFORE I started my work trip.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, the massage I have scheduled for Monday at lunchtime has been earned and is a requirement for my survival - before I hit the road again.<br />
<br />
All of that to help you understand that I'm battling this food addiction/recovery while having to eat out MOST of my meals this month. While it's not ideal, it is what it is. And if I can survive not cooking for 6 days and still losing weight/meeting goals, then I feel like I'll end up even stronger when the dust settles in October.<br />
<br />
So this week I began my Celebrate Recovery journey. Unfortunately I won't be able to attend a meeting until probably September and it looks like I might have Cross Country meets to attend for my daughter so I'm on my own for the most part. I'm ok with that. I've accomplished alot on my own so far.<br />
<br />
The first workbook says "Stepping Out of Denial into God's Grace." Interestingly, I sort of balked at the word denial. I mean, I started the study, right? Could I really be in denial? Maybe not right at this moment, but a TON of denial is what led up to the events of last week, right? Yeah...<br />
<br />
So some people are "emotional eaters" which is defined as this when I googled it: (from webmd.com)<br />
<i>"Emotional eating is eating for reasons other than
<a href="http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/top-10-ways-to-deal-with-hunger">hunger</a>," says Jane Jakubczak, a registered dietitian at the University of
Maryland. "Instead of the physical symptom of hunger initiating the eating,
an emotion triggers the eating."</i><br />
<br />
Too true. I've always marveled at people who seemed to lose weight when tragedy struck, as I seemed to gain it. Instead of losing my appetite it seems I always have an appetite. Not hunger, as you know that's not the same...but an appetite. I want food. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm bored, when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're bored. Seriously. I always want food. I'm addicted to it. So emotion is really tied to food for me. I am an emotional eater. But "staying happy" isn't going to keep me healthy since I eat then too. And let's face it, life is tough and we aren't always going to experience happy days. <br />
<i> </i><br />
Mainly this week the study forced me to write out that I have a food problem - to admit and stop denying that this is causing serious disruption in my life. And to identify people who can help me along in this journey. I'm so blessed to have a few particular ladies who are completely inside my head on this - you know who you are and I'm so thankful for your accountability, prayers and time you have and will invest in my recovery. <br />
<br />
I had a great learning experience this week that resulted in something I'm hoping others can utilize.<br />
<br />
After a long day on Thursday we all decided as a team NOT to do dinner together again. We had eaten together most of the week and all of us were tired, needed to work on our laptops for awhile and decided we would part ways for dinner.<br />
<br />
Next door to the community we visited last was a Publix. I felt strong, and determined. Rotisserie chicken and green beans is what I decided I would get.<br />
<br />
I walked inside only to find myself greeted with huge amounts of fried chicken staring me down and NO rotisserie chickens. There were 25 minutes left before they would be ready. A heinous storm was brewing outside and I did not want to be caught in awful rain in downtown Atlanta traffic. I stood there for a moment trying to decide what to do. Walked around the corner and there were some rotisserie chickens that weren't freshly cooked in the cooler - they were cold and just unappetizing to me. I walked back to the hot food and stared at the fried chicken tenders. I've eaten so many Publix fried chicken tenders in my lifetime. They are yummy but who knows what is in the batter and oil used. And of course, I would want honey mustard.<br />
<br />
Forget it! I walked toward produce hoping to find a salad with walnuts and fruit on it and kill some time so the chickens would be ready.<br />
<br />
One salad folks. Greens and 4 tomatoes. It looked as unappetizing as it possibly could.<br />
<br />
Forget it!<br />
<br />
I walked back up towards the front, an internal battle going on. Almost like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on another.<br />
<br />
You've only been clean a week. You've been clean a whole week! Two very different messages whirring around in my head. You're tired just grab something.<br />
<br />
I stopped dead in my tracks and realized what was happening. And that I needed to get the crap out of Publix RIGHT THEN.<br />
<br />
I grabbed a six pack of water and checked out of Publix. Hopped in my car still unsure what I would eat but more focused on just getting myself out of a dangerous situation.<br />
<br />
One of my close friends is a mental health counselor - when I described this situation to her she described the chicken and Publix situation as a "trigger" for me - and that "getting the crap out of Publix right now" is a great example of "relapse avoidance." (I'm really thankful that my dear friend is willing to indulge my food addiction talk with actual terminology). <br />
<br />
I drove in the rain and wanted to order takeout from Urban Pl8, a fantastic paleo restaurant not terribly out of the way from the route back to my hotel. And no one was answering the phone.<br />
<br />
Dang it!<br />
<br />
I had a new resolve and was NOT going to let my newly revived fried chicken craving win, so I kept driving. Didn't see a Panera. Nothing I wanted. I went back to the hotel as I knew room service would at least have a steak option. I really hoped sweet potatoes too. Funny thing, I was craving sweet potato ALL day.<br />
<br />
Room service had a 12oz NY Strip steak. I called down and the girl offered me steak fries or broccoli. "Are those your only two sides?" I asked. "Yes ma'am." She replied. I mumbled back that broccoli was fine and pouted in my room for a few minutes.<br />
<br />
Then I remembered I had bought an extra kombucha at Fresh Market in Nashville the day before. You would have thought it was Christmas morning! I was so excited!<br />
<br />
They brought my food - the steak was good, though I had to trim quite a bit of yucky fat/cartilage off of it. The broccoli was ok, I ate some of it. Finished it off with a green apple and my Mango kombucha and I was satisfied.<br />
<br />
As I was driving home yesterday, I pondered this situation and it's result. I was really happy with how it turned out, though I came dangerously close to eating off plan and potentially sliding back into a binge situation. I came up with the following acronym to help me (and anyone else who wants to use it) next time something like this happens.<br />
<br />
It's <b>S.A.G.E</b>. What does sage mean? According to dictionary.com: <br />
<br />
<div class="Headserp" id="Headserp">
<span class="hdrrmn" style="float: left;"></span><br />
<h1 class="query_h1" id="query_h1">
<span class="hdrrmn" style="float: left;">
sage</span></h1>
<span class="hdrrmn" style="float: left;">
</span></div>
<div class="pbk">
<span class="pg"><span id="hotword"></span></span><br />
<div class="luna-Ent">
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span class="dnindex"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">1.</span></span></span><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"> a</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">profoundly</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">wise</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">person;</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">a</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">person</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">famed</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">for</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">wisdom.</span> </span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span class="dnindex"><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">2.</span></span></span><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">someone</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">venerated</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">for</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">the</span> </span><a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/possession">possession</a><span id="hotword"> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">of</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">wisdom,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">judgment,</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">and</span> <span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">experience.</span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">Please know I'm not using this word because I think I'm wise - ha! But I'm more someone who possesses some wisdom due to my own experiences and I want to share that with you. While driving last night I came up with this (the marketer in me, sorry). </span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword">When I'm in situations like I was at Publix, when anyone has reached a crossroads and feels themselves teetering remember this<b> SAGE</b> advice:</span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"><b>S - Stop.</b> Right there. Stop where you are and take a deep breath.</span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"><b>A - Assess the situation</b>. Figure out what got you there, and how you can get out of it.</span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"><b>G - Get a grip and get OUT</b> of the situation you're in. If it means you have to leave, then leave!</span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"><b>E - Engage your brain </b>- everyone says follow your heart but I have proven my heart and emotions to lead me astray on my journey. My brain, however, is smarter than fried chicken.</span></span><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span></span><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"> E can also stand for evaluate - figure out an alternative to whatever unhealthy behavior you are considering. </span></span><span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"> </span></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
</div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><span class="hwc" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span>On another note, I participated in a spiritual fast on Friday as I was praying for a need some friends have. It began after my dinner (around 9pm) on Thursday night and I broke it this morning around 9am. So it was approximately 36 hours. I felt ok all day, stayed very very hydrated and probably drank too much coffee in addition to 150 ounces of water and some kombucha when I arrived home but again, I felt fine. I actually slept well last night and woke up this morning energized. Enjoyed a small green apple then did a Kettlebell workout. Then enjoyed some eggs, bacon and apple/chicken sausage with some bulletproof coffee. </span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><br /></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword">Thanks for reading my update and sticking with me. I'm working this next week on lesson 2 of the Celebrate Recovery program in book 1. It digs deeper into the theory of being powerless. </span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><br /></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword">In the meantime I'm going to apply my SAGE trick anytime I find myself in trouble this next week. Will let you know if I find myself in a situation where I have to "get the crap out and now." In the meantime, I hope this helps encourage you in whatever journey or struggle you maybe facing.</span><br />
<br />
<span id="hotword">Here is a song that really encouraged me this week...and I'm not gonna lie, made me shed a few tears. I still can't hear it without crying. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6oxXwRWFTo">Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave</a> </span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"><br /></span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword">Hugs,</span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword">Clara</span></div>
<div class="luna-Ent">
<span id="hotword"> </span><span id="hotword"> </span></div>
</div>
ClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-61673541187440179662014-07-31T18:25:00.000-05:002014-07-31T18:27:56.762-05:00Step 1 - I am Powerless...and That's OK.Coming out of "hiding" to update you all on, well, everything. Truthfully, I haven't been in hiding as much as I have gone inside of my head space for awhile and had to work on my "filing" and have spent a few weeks reeling at what I found inside my own psyche. Toss in traveling 85% of my time, some denial, avoidance, loss of accountability, exhaustion, lack of sleep and a plethora of socially acceptable excuses and I'm actually not sure I need to write anymore about the last month to bring you up to speed. As I've pondered exactly where to start, I find I'm left picking up the few pieces of mental strength I think I still have access to and trying to figure out how to make it into an inspiring story rather than a sad diatribe resembling a poorly attended pity party that ends solidly back in a size 12 and hating my waistline.<br />
<br />
I know I've blogged a great deal about food addiction and in the past I've made comparisons to other addictions of the less socially acceptable type, such as smoking, alcohol and drugs. Let me stress that I don't make these comparisons to marginalize anyone battling such difficult addictions. I have some wonderful friends who are battling and beating their addictions and they have inspired me, as well as made me realize that my addiction could also be debilitating and, unfairly, was "understandable" according to well meaning friends . (I mean, I work so hard, such long hours and all the travel? No one can eat well under those circumstances, right?) Instead I make these comparisons because there is a part of me that has realized that food addiction can be AS DANGEROUS to our long term health as other addictions and it is SILENTLY killing people I love. And it has silently been killing me for the last few weeks, as I slowly slipped into behavior that, frankly, became embarrassing. I've even found myself avoiding people I did not want to see me "like this." Sound familiar?<br />
<br />
As dramatic as I might sound, the truth is, right now my body aches terribly and I have not exercised in about two weeks so it's not the "good" kind of ache from developing muscles. Instead, my shoulders are sore and achy, my neck hurts miserably, my sciatic nerve is pinched in my left hip, my face has erupted in pimples again and I have circles under my eyes. It truly looks as if I've been on a bender. And in a way, I have.<br />
<br />
I finished my 4 week intermittent fasting/fat loss program a few weeks ago with mixed results. Given my shoulder injury I had a challenging time keeping up with all of the workouts I had planned, and by the 4th week (and 4th straight week of travel), I realized I hadn't really been able to give it the full attention it needed. I do not have amazing results to speak of - not at all indicating "it" didn't work as much as "I" didn't do the work needed to make it work. Because most things will WORK if you WORK them. <br />
<br />
I did find that I can tolerate black beans and sweet potatoes more than I thought I could. But the sweet potatoes are still a slippery slope for me.<br />
<br />
So is cheat day.<br />
<br />
Sigh. It all sort of started and ended with cheat day. There was a part of me prior to beginning this program that knew, in the back of my mind, that an off the rails "no rules" food day was a stretch for me. My advisers tried to tell me to only have one or two cheat meals then, to keep myself in check. Or just add certain foods in to the meals I would normally eat, and indulge in fruit on that day. I had options. Instead, I chose door #4 which included, by the 4th and final cheat day, crappy eating that began at midnight and didn't end in 24 hours. It was easy to fast the day after cheat day, I hurt so badly and felt so awful that I didn't want to eat anything anyway.<br />
<br />
This isn't NEW news, but I have confirmed for myself that I'm an extremist when it comes to food.<br />
<br />
When I'm good, I'm REALLY good. Resolve of STEEL. Rarely missing workouts or "slipping" up especially when I'm accountable to others or they are counting on me to help them along.<br />
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And when I'm bad, I'm SO BAD IT HURTS.<br />
<br />
Is there a happy medium, for me?<br />
<br />
My fall from grace after this program was helped along by exhaustion and poor planning on a work trip a few weeks ago. Three days in a classroom, even with very interesting presenters, is tough for me. I reached for a diet coke. The candy and crap soon followed. It was a fall from grace, and I fell a long way and the landing HURTS. Ah, diet coke. My frien-emy. You quickly helped me spiral out of control, once again.<br />
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I've been on the fence for about a week. Making a great deal of great choices and quite a few not so great choices. Eating PERFECTLY one day, then walking into Publix to get a pint of raspberries and walking out with a pint of coconut milk ice cream and a container of dark chocolate covered cherries. (I practically got a high five from the kid who bagged my groceries). Little did he know he was further encouraging what went down a short while later.<br />
<br />
What I have learned and am still trying to wrap my mind around is that I THRIVE with parameters. I do very well within certain plans or rules. Other people do NOT do well in that head space and that is totally a personal thing. I DO. I need it. Does it mean I'll never eat cheesecake again? No. Do I need to eat it every Sunday? Again. No. Should I maybe limit it until I've reached my fat goals? Not even going to answer that. I know the answer.<br />
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"Moderation" is a word I just cannot claim right now in my journey. Sure, it is healthy for some people and I'm really glad they are able to enjoy a weekly or even daily dessert and still maintain a certain size/weight/athletic performance. What I realize is that my metabolism was broken for SO LONG and my head in the sand in regard to nutrition for most of my life, that I may not be able to enjoy moderation for a long time. For me, eating off the rails like I have been for the past few weeks resulted in weighing in at 199 again. Yes, that's not a typo. My low was 170.8 at the end of February...around 185 after the intermittent fasting 4 week plan...and 199 this past Monday morning.<br />
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I need a plan. I need treats in a controlled and limited environment. I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking it's just too extreme to live this way. Or that it's unhealthy, mentally.<br />
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I beg to differ, based on my current status. I'm going to share a very honest, raw, true life story with you from last night and today to prove my point.<br />
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In just a few short weeks, sugar once again completely and utterly consumed my life and my thoughts. Let me share an example - I had a great dinner last night at a paleo friendly restaurant in Charleston, SC called Sesame Burgers. They serve grass fed hormone free beef burgers, amazing salads, etc. Everything is made from scratch (in fact it amused me at how excited the server was about how they make their own mayo - I wanted to squeal, so do I! but decided to let her have her moment...) Surprisingly this restaurant was located in the mall.<br />
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I ordered the fig & bacon jam burger with blue cheese. It was incredible. No bun not because I was trying to be "good" but I have zero interest in bread which I know is quite strange. I also had a really pretty spinach salad with melted brie and apples and some sweet potato fries with more blue cheese, pancetta and a red wine reduction. It was so amazing. Best meal I've had in a long time. I was SO FULL. (uh can you say that's a lot of cheese but I'm partial to fine cheese and hey, I don't have parameters right now remember?)...<br />
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And all I could think about was dessert. Thankfully the waitress didn't give me that option. I left sort of embarrassed that I even wanted dessert, and thinking about the crazy look I would have gotten from her if I had pretended I still had room in my gut for some since she saw first hand what I had eaten. I decided I would walk by the cookie place and see if anything there struck my fancy.<br />
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I walked back through the mall and passed a coffee/dessert place that looked interesting but kept going. AsI approached the cookie place I realized there was someone sitting on the bench adjacent to it. They would see me get the treat. They would probably think something like "her thighs don't need that cookie."<br />
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Suddenly I weighed 285 pounds again, in my mind, and I don't think I realized it. I ambled to the exit fumbling for my keys to my car. I was overly alert since it was dark and I was not sure how good of an area of Charleston I was in, alone, late at night (smart, I know).<br />
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I got in the car and started wondering if I would pass anywhere on the way back to the hotel where I could get a dessert. Maybe a Publix where I could get something from the bakery? But no, I'd rather have something more like homemade. Dang - why didn't I just get a dessert from the restaurant where I just was? I contemplated baskin robbins. But then remembered how much ice cream makes me hurt. And my neck was already killing me (likely all the cheese, honestly).<br />
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I arrived back at the hotel and parked in the garage underneath the building. I climbed onto the elevator and pushed the 1st floor button. My room is on the 3rd floor. But the restaurant is on the 1st floor. I could get dessert there.<br />
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I got off the elevator on the first floor and walked a few steps to where I could see the lounge/restaurant. There were too many people there, all of which would see me with my dessert and think, "she really should watch what she eats." I quickly turned around and got back on the elevator.<br />
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When I got to my room I snatched up the room service menu, sugar still consuming my thoughts, even though I was consciously embarrassed by it as I had already avoided 3 situations to have something "bad" which is funny as it was because I didn't want to be judged, NOT because I didn't want something. At this point I'm keenly aware of how unhealthily I'm behaving inside my own head. Peanut butter pie, no, don't really care for that. Southern pecan pie with white chocolate ice cream, that sounds interesting but still not really what I was looking for. Warm brownie with vanilla ice cream now that might be a contender. But it's just a brownie. Not a special brownie. Not a homemade brownie. And the ice cream will make me hurt.<br />
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Crap.<br />
<br />
I probably picked up the menu and put it down 3 times. Then I proceeded to take 2 aleve for my aching neck and lay down only to watch TV for the next several hours staying up unnecessarily late.<br />
<br />
I woke up once again exhausted but better rested than the prior few days, still mildly embarrassed in my own head about the dessert fiasco, not sure if I was more embarrassed about the fact that I didn't want people judging me or about my inability to make a decision and just get something.<br />
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This morning I was fortunate to meet some friends for breakfast at the hotel. I had a veggie omelet (no cheese) and sausage. It was really good. The company was really good. The chef brought out some homemade mozzarella he had crafted into a caprese salad. I had a few bites and it was awesome.<br />
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On my way home from Charleston I stopped at Earth Fare to pick up some kombucha, pasta for my peeps at home and whatever else struck my fancy. I left with 12 kombuchas, 2 bags of almond flour, a container of dried mango and dried cranberries sweetened with apple juice (finally found those!). Truly, I do not need dried fruit in my house. This I know. For the occasional recipe it's good to have, but I have no business having it around. I bought it anyway. I had a major urge for something sweet. They have paleo treats here, ooh, I could have one of those. I thought about it when I was in line already. Too late.<br />
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At that point I became fixated mentally on a milkshake. Interestingly, I've had a few of those recently. It's been super hot and all the car travel makes one so inviting. Making the mistake of not having ice cold water with me has not helped. I've also eaten fried chicken and french fries a few times in the last week. Even from Chick Fil A, it has resulted in a major stomach ache.<br />
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On the drive home I passed a Publix and was afraid to go inside. I have not proven myself very trust worthy. There are a bunch of miles after that last Publix before I reach actual food again.<br />
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One side note - I haven't reduced myself to eating at McDonalds again - that's just not food. Ha.<br />
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I knew I would eat off the Pooler exit. I was afraid I would go to Chick Fil A and get a stomach ache like I did the day before. I don't need a stomach ache. And then I'll be tempted to get a milkshake. Crap, I don't want a milkshake. Nothing worse than having your hands/arms ache while driving 2 more hours home.<br />
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I saw a Panera sign and it was like the heavens opened up.<br />
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In line at Panera I almost grabbed a row of chocolate chipper cookies. Almost. I averted my eyes quickly. I ordered my usual Power Mediterranean Chicken salad from the hidden menu with added pecans and avocado. The dressing is fresh lemon and a packet of olive oil. It was amazingly satisfying.<br />
<br />
I wanted dessert.<br />
<br />
AGAIN.<br />
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The thing is, in the past I would think, just get a dessert already and it will be over with. But I've already done that. About 10 times in the last 12 days. I'm not getting it over with. I'm getting it started again.<br />
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I looked at Facebook and saw a message from a friend who is doing a W30 right now and vented about her day, mentioning it would be a miracle if she made it through the workday without alcohol or chocolate. Her message gave me strength and purpose. I went through the Panera drive through and ordered black coffee. It was REALLY good. Though I'm not sure if I enjoyed that OR having beaten the sugar dragon down more. I can't decide.<br />
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But I know this. I have won more battles than I have lost these last few years.<br />
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It's amazing to me how quickly and easily I can revert to old, unhealthy behaviors. Much like an addict. But I cannot avoid the grocery store forever. I just have to go in there with a plan and a list. I may always be that way. The light bulb went off as I thought through this whole 24 hour dessert fiasco. I wanted to eat in secret, in private. Anything you don't want the people you love to see you doing is likely NOT good for you.<br />
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Is it ideal for me to have to live this way? No, I would prefer a life of moderation. But is it my reality? Yes.<br />
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And do I want to heal from this? More than I will ever be able to describe to anyone, ever.<br />
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I'm doing another Whole 30 starting tomorrow though I'm doing a little bit of a 21 day sugar detox hybrid - I'm not allowing dried fruit (hoping those craisins last the 30 days - ha) and actually limiting my fruit to green apples or green bananas. Now my Whole 30 wouldn't measure up to someone's first REAL whole 30 - meaning I've come to realize that there is a trace of sugar in the ingredients in the Panera salad. But I am unconcerned with that. I will be home only 10 of the next 31 days. Half of those will be days we have church. Time is NOT on my side. So there will be meat that is likely not Whole 30 compliant as I will be eating the majority of my meals in restaurants. So I'm ok with that because I don't think those things will hurt my results. The trace sugar is what it is. It will not keep my sugar dragon fed. But it will make my plan NOT a true Whole 30 and I'm ok with that. I'll think of my own fancy name.<br />
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Thanks for reading this super long update. I shared the details of my last few days with you because I need you to see how real the struggle is. This is not me being dramatic - this is the reality that is my head and has been my struggle as of late. And yeah, it is dramatic. Welcome to my filing cabinet. Yeah, I'm ready to get out too.<br />
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Not only am I going to focus on my nutrition this month, I will be getting moving again. I eat so much better when I'm active and the good choices come easier when they are equated to fuel. Going to make myself a realistic workout plan designed around strength building and some fun runs. I'm going to enjoy sweating and feeling strong again.<br />
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I'm also going to focus on my mind and my heart. I've decided to work through the Celebrate Recovery books. I have them and have never cracked them open. But it's time. It's time to call a duck, a duck. It's time to take control of the mind portion of this battle and arm myself with the right tools and strength I need to keep on winning. And battle this head on like the real attack/addiction it is. I might even attend a meeting if I am home on a Monday night anytime soon. <br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Celebrate Recovery Step 1:</b> <b> </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I admit that I am powerless over my addictions and compulsive behaviors</b><i>. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span class="style2">I
know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I
have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans
7:18 NIV)</span> </i></div>
<br />
<i>Yep. </i>On my own, I'm powerless. I need God to help me with this. I rely on Him for everything else in my life and it is finally time to give Him the reigns here so I'm turning them over. If you've followed my blog at all you know I'm a Christian, you know I love Jesus and you know my husband is a pastor. I don't talk about that much as this blog is much more focused on my health. But it's time to let Him into this process and let Him take over. Maybe it's why I haven't been able to fully finish this race or reach my final goals. Maybe He wants to be part of it. I hope you'll stick around to find out.<br />
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I'll keep you as updated as I can. In the meantime, pray for me?<br />
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Hugs,<br />
ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5730044083903800696.post-37081616367665084432014-06-29T22:50:00.002-05:002014-06-29T23:01:01.117-05:00A Little Bit of a Lotta ThingsHey all!<br />
<br />
So, I've officially made it through week 2 of my 4 week fat loss carb cycling/intermittent fasting plan - and no one got hurt! (ha - during the fasting part particularly!). Let me go ahead and preface this with a disclaimer by saying I'm not posting this eating plan anywhere, I'm under the direction of a trainer and my workouts and lifestyle are carefully planned around trying this to jump start my metabolism and in conjunction with my personal workout plan. Plus, I don't know how effective it is. That said, carry on. <br />
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It's been a good experience overall, and I definitely felt the "inferno" last Monday during my first Monday following a fast day - I was like a baby needing to be fed every few hours! I ate when I was hungry...which was multiple times during the day. The crazy hunger subsided by mid-week but I literally ate every morsel of food I brought with me on my work trip. <br />
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I've been weighing every day - not obsessively, more out of curiosity. So far I've noticed a decent loss during the week, a gain after cheat day (duh) and then a good loss after fast day. It's almost like the 2 steps forward, 3 back, then 5 forward if that makes sense. Unfortunately I've not actually been home on a Tuesday to weigh due to starting a new job and being in a different state the last 2 weeks on Mondays. But I can tell by how I feel and how my clothes fit throughout that I'm on the right track here. <br />
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Interesting observation - so Saturday is cheat day - you're supposed to eat whatever you want essentially - pile on the calories and fat - the theory on the next day, fast day, is that your body will kick into serious fat burning mode, being confused by the heavy eating followed by a fast. It's a 24 hour fast, so I do still eat dinner on fast day (and let me tell you it was the best chicken salad and green beans I've EVER had lol).<br />
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Well yesterday I ate a few things that qualify as pure crap food in my normal way of eating (fast food for lunch - wha???) and not only did I not really enjoy the "freedom" I felt like crap and had trouble sleeping, then woke up looking hungover, seriously. I planned my meals carefully, as I am always afraid of the "eat what you want" mentality turning into a binge. Being a food addict, this will forever be a concern of mine. I do well within parameters...not so well when I'm given the ticket for a free for all.<br />
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So I decided next Saturday will be a bit cleaner. Instead of pizza at the Italian place (it's award winning by the way - but I was seriously underwhelmed) I'm going to make my own - I tend to really like my own ingredients and I see exactly what I put on it - and I use FLAVOR! Seems restaurants these days are afraid to spice things up, if I'm eating pizza, give me the garlic!<br />
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I like the way I cook - I like the way my food tastes and I crave my own cooking much more than eating out, which is something I NEVER thought I would say. I was always the girl who was up for eating out pretty much anytime, even when my lunch sat in the fridge at work!<br />
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I couldn't even finish my dessert last night, it was some awful cookies, several flavors of ice cream. I had to throw most of it away as I just felt so sick already.<br />
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My my, how times have changed. For the better. <br />
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My new self has some better ideas about Saturday and it will include ALOT of fruit as that is something I really have been missing during the week.<br />
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But truly, I'm pretty impressed with myself to be eating exactly according to plan for two weeks during a time when I've been on 8 airplanes, hotels and the like. But hey, I've done a Whole 60, a Whole 45 and a Whole 37. If I can do that, I'm pretty sure I can do anything.<br />
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Fast day has been interesting. I'm hungry, but not overly so. I drink a ton of water and also my black coffee. Even when absolutely exhausted, I found I cannot nap on fast day, unfortunately. Yes, this is totally a first world problem - and has actually made me realize how awful it must be to live with hunger daily and my heart is moved. 24 hours is an inconvenience, and honestly, psychologically has been pretty good for me. You think alot when you are trying not to think about food. :) <br />
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My training has been going well also. I did suffer a bit of a setback with my left shoulder about a month or so ago. Suddenly, during a TGU (Turkish GetUp) with a 30lb weight, I felt weakness in my left shoulder. A TGU is a tough move with a kettlebell, where you are in a faceup position lying on the floor and you bring the weight straight above you with one arm, then raise yourself up to a standing position with the weight in the air the entire time. It's hard! But I had been using that weight for awhile. I realized quickly this was going to go south and carefully got the 30lbs back to the ground without damaging anything (my toes included). The next day my shoulder just ached. The pain I was feeling was localized to the top of my shoulder and all of my research was pointing to my rotator cuff which would be devastating. My friend is a PT and she worked on it a bit for me then suggested massage therapy. It was a few weeks before I could get in to see someone but once I did, we realized during the treatment that I actually had done something to my trapezius (which I called a trapezoid for at least a day before realizing it - HA!) and that was causing the pain to radiate upward to my shoulder and down my arm. I've since had 2 massages and I am SO happy to report I'm probably 75-80% better. In the meantime, I've adjusted my training a bit - I realize the biggest issue is weight overhead. Therefore, instead of TGUs I'm just doing the Kettlebell swings and squats with the bell (still using the 30lb). I'm also exploring some other moves. Additionally, with my T25 workouts, I'm in the Beta phase but trading out Upper Focus for Lower Focus when that one pops up. I'm allowing RipT Circuit as the overhead work is pretty minimal and I think it is good to keep some activity going up there.<br />
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Here's a picture of me and my friend Rebecca, whom I met in Raleigh in person for the first time this past week! She was such a help and support to me when I began this lifestyle last year and we are both admins on a huge Paleo group on Facebook so we've gotten to know each other better this year. I'm sporting my new favorite tank top. "I AM WHOLE 30." Yeah, I earned that.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPBGJy72cEZLkvVP99708CqNbx-R2Zf5h_0jEsPuCu7b9AMDx9CU9BZN8aYE1rzltvrDUKV7jQfUsZTLbV9i9LdM3INbPpAFjxJBjFK4YPt2mze_ed4CUdk21SyALhp4uQ-c0c4njJ5wM/s1600/Clara+and+Becky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPBGJy72cEZLkvVP99708CqNbx-R2Zf5h_0jEsPuCu7b9AMDx9CU9BZN8aYE1rzltvrDUKV7jQfUsZTLbV9i9LdM3INbPpAFjxJBjFK4YPt2mze_ed4CUdk21SyALhp4uQ-c0c4njJ5wM/s1600/Clara+and+Becky.jpg" height="320" width="234" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In one of my favorite stores - any guesses???</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
We had a great time having dinner then shopping.<br />
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Will post an update for you in a week or so on how things are going. In the meantime, be well!<br />
<br />
~ClaraClaraBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932352973951691831noreply@blogger.com0