Sunday, April 15, 2018

Week One of the Plan

Heyyy! It’s time to check in from my first week with an actual written out goal AND plan!

Let’s review

Long range goal - Lose 80 more pounds (total of 100 pounds) by my 40th birthday (3/1/19). Short range goal: Lose 7.5 pounds per month.
  • Track my food until I am fully confident I don't need to (aka, can go a day or two or week or two with no weight gain).  UPDATE: tracked every day this week!!! 
  • Plan my meals weekly, doing some meal prep with the family so we all have healthy options available that stay within budget.  UPDATE: did great on planning this week and staying on track. Even on Friday date night I ate healthy because I knew Saturday was STATurday!
  • Test for ketones daily until my results stay consistent. UPDATE: been solidly in ketosis all week! (Until Wyatt’s birthday cake yesterday lol!)
  • Begin the T25 workout program as prescribed, following the modifier and taking rest breaks as needed until I don't have to. The Alpha program is 5 weeks and begins tomorrow 4/9/18. UPDATE: this was SO HARD but we did it! Finished week 1!
  • Participate in STATurday, where I measure my progress and report it on my blog sometime each weekend. UPDATE: weighed in yesterday!
  •  Plan ahead a few days when I may not stay in ketosis.  Such as Wyatt's birthday next weekend, or when we travel two weekends in a row at the end of the month.  Be flexible, but firm with myself and don't allow my workouts to suffer due to poor choices (which means they will be limited!). UPDATE: I did really well with this! As mentioned above, I made decisions on Friday nights date to stay on track knowing that being more flexible Saturday meant more to me overall. It was so worth it!! I definitely had a carb hangover this morning but I got my ish back together by lunchtime and am happy with how I handled it. 
  • Plan to reach out to my fitness mentors and friends when the days or weeks are challenging before making a less than helpful decision. UPDATE: I didn’t need to do this intentionally this week - but definitely kept in touch with a few folks who are also working their goals! I was motivated and thankful for all of the comments on my blog last weekend and that kept me going!

I’m so happy with how week 1 went! It was tough - faced more than a few challenges. Getting up early was SO HARD! That was really challenging. Then tracking my food again. Goodness I forgot that I need to make time for that!  It’s also shark week so that was a fantastic time to be already tired and grumpy (sorry Husband! Lol). Thursday I had to get to a meeting an hour and a half away so we skipped that workout and did it on Friday - then we did our double Friday workout on Saturday! That worked out fine for us - and I refuse to be so inflexible that I don’t take care of myself. My body needed more rest this week versus getting up even earlier.

One thing I probably could have done was taken my advice from 2010 and made maybe one change at a time here. I changed multiple things this week and it was definitely an adjustment. I was still super successful and I know this week will be easier. But it is easier to take baby steps into this health and fitness routine rather than diving right in. My experiences from not so long ago at my goal weight tell me that I can handle it. So I did.

Oh did you want to hear my results? I lost a total of 2.8 pounds! Not bad for a tough week and shark week lol.  I’m down 23 pounds of the 23% to my goal! As for my month goal, this month will be a little strange since I officially started on 4/9, but I’m still shooting for 7.5 pounds down this month. Let’s see how that plays out.

On to week 2!!! Let’s do this!


Sunday, April 8, 2018

Quit Dreaming, Start DOING

This quote has been bouncing around the packed walls of my brain today, on the tail end of one of my best weeks at work yet.

"A goal without a plan is only a dream." ~Brian Tracy (he is a best selling Canadian author, by the way, in the learning space so check him out for more inspiration).

So much has been happening personally and professionally, and honestly a great lot of it is, well, GREAT.  For the first time in a long time during my 18 year career in the field of HR, I finally feel like I'm in exactly the right fit role for me, for such a time as this.  My job is to build relationships that will lead to mentoring, coaching and training our leaders to be, well, better at leading others.  I've learned so much in my career naturally coaching others that this role has been an easy transition from the legal, investigation filled parts of human resource life that I had begun to grow weary of. I feel privileged to have made this career change 8 months ago and this week it all came full circle when my incredibly wise boss shadowed me at a few events at one of my hospitals and wrote me the most amazing thank you note that shook me so positively I shared it with my family.

What does any of this have to do with Changing My (or your) Blueprint?  Stay with me here.

This week I had the opportunity to kick off a mentoring program and talk to some incredibly talented, high performing leaders about what lay ahead for both the mentors and mentees.  I thought back to the first mentors I had in my career and what they meant to me. I've thought about the many men and women who have encouraged me through my career that I give credit for my ability to coach and mentor today.  I thought about the people I consider my mentors right now.  Because even though I'm a coach of people, I still need and crave ongoing coaching so I can continue to grow. I've gleaned so much confidence from the people in my life who have unselfishly poured into me and I am so grateful and honestly, a little emotional these days when I talk about it.

One of the lessons I share pretty frequently is about the oxygen mask. When we are on an airplane, the flight attendant shows how to utilize the oxygen masks that will fall should the airplane lose pressure.  They ALWAYS instruct the passengers to put on their own oxygen mask first before helping the person next to you. Why?  Because if you pass out from lack of oxygen, guess can't help anyone else. As a mother, and a woman, and a believer I struggle sometimes with the thought of this because I feel like our society has created an image of the woman who can do everything for everyone, but shouldn't need to take time for herself.  And we all struggle to show that image on social media, to our co-workers, in the workplace.

But I am finding the more authentically me that I am, the brighter I allow myself to shine, and the more I share that glow of my true reality with others, the stronger I become.

The month of March was really tough for me, physically, spiritually, and ultimately, mentally.  I turned 39 years old and this is the first birthday in a long time that I have not enjoyed my birthday age.  I have had these feelings of my life being half over, and have I accomplished enough?  Am I doing enough?  It doesn't help that I'm not in great shape physically.  I had an awful ear infection with a cough that lasted well into March, and my back has also been acting up. This made my return to the gym delayed until my membership had run out. Around the same time, we decided we are going to build a house on 5 acres in the next town, which is an amazing and exciting decision, but holy stress level. Not rejoining the gym since my back has stayed jacked up, and I need to save every extra penny right now for the down payment.  Add to that the birthday celebrations which continued for the entire month, stress eating from trying to decide on house plans, work travel that was booked pretty heftily, teaching courses I had not yet done before, and on top of that the day to day adulting that makes me appear to be a functioning human....y' was a tough month.

And you know what?  I didn't take time to adjust my own oxygen mask.  I've been working so hard and long, rushing from here to there, traveling like a crazy person and being exhausted that I picked up a diet coke again.  I know, I KNOW.  It was a downhill slide from there.  I would spend a few days eating keto, then a few days fully out of it.  I stopped drinking water because diet coke was keeping me going.

Where did it get me?  Well, fortunately to the same weight I was when the month started (phew!). I'm guessing I didn't gain because I was eating really well about half the time. But the diet coke not only awoke cravings I had buried years ago, it made me drink less water.

Enter my first UTI in all of my 39 years...while I was on a work trip.  Super thankful I work in healthcare as I got meds really fast as well as home remedies and a bunch of sweet empathy from my coworkers.

Having to take antibiotics for the second time in 45 days really got my attention this week.  And this morning it became crystal clear.

I need to affix my oxygen mask.  Now.

I literally dream of my former fit self.  It wasn't that long ago.  Just yesterday when texting with a friend we were comparing to our former athletic selves and I wasn't the athlete in high school that I was at 35!  Just 4 short years ago I could literally run absolute circles around my own self.  Yes, a great many things happened over the last few years to give me great reasons to be unfit right now. But the problem occurs when I allow these reasons to become excuses.

No more excuses.

Because a goal without a plan is just a dream. And while I love to sleep, I'm done dreaming about where I once was or where I want to be.

There is no good reason someone who has set such challenging work goals, and is smashing them left and right, can't reach her own fitness potential again. There is no good reason I can't make good food choices most of the time.  There is no good reason to be sedentary, when I own enough equipment and workout programs to work out on my own. There is no reason I can't take 30 minutes a week to blog about my progress, no matter how great or small.

The ONLY reason is that I have yet to create actual GOALS that have PLANS to back them up.

I'm done dreaming.

So here is my fitness Goal & the Plan that's gonna get me there:

Long Range Goal: Lose 80 pounds by my 40th birthday (3/1/19). That is almost 11 months from now.
Short Range Goal: Lose 7.5 pounds a month

PLANS in place to reach my goal:
  • Track my food until I am fully confident I don't need to (aka, can go a day or two or week or two with no weight gain).  
  • Plan my meals weekly, doing some meal prep with the family so we all have healthy options available that stay within budget.
  • Test for ketones daily until my results stay consistent.
  • Begin the T25 workout program as prescribed, following the modifier and taking rest breaks as needed until I don't have to. The Alpha program is 5 weeks and begins tomorrow 4/9/18. 
  • Participate in STATurday, where I measure my progress and report it on my blog sometime each weekend. 
  •  Plan ahead a few days when I may not stay in ketosis.  Such as Wyatt's birthday next weekend, or when we travel two weekends in a row at the end of the month.  Be flexible, but firm with myself and don't allow my workouts to suffer due to poor choices (which means they will be limited!). 
  • Plan to reach out to my fitness mentors and friends when the days or weeks are challenging before making a less than helpful decision. 
Thankfully my "week 1" for this new Goal is an office week, so only day travel later this week.  It's also the week we will be hopefully signing the final plans and contract on the house, then beginning to pick out all of the amazing details of our new home.

I'm ready to quit dreaming...and start DOING! Can't wait to see what amazing successes I will be sharing each week.

Thankful you're here with me.

Be well,

Saturday, January 27, 2018

One Pound at a Time

Happy weigh in day! 

As of today I’m 20.2 pounds down since October 8th. Yeah it’s not flying off...but it’s coming off and that’s what matters. Especially during a time of year when most people gained (holidays, or have already given up on 2018 (failed resolutions).  

I haven’t felt well this week, like I’m fighting something off, so I didn’t workout like I normally do. I listened to my body and it said rest. So, I rested. 

This didn’t give me reason to just give up and eat whatever while also not exercising. If you’ve been with me any length of time you know that’s unfortunately normal for me. Instead I ate well and I fasted quite a bit as well, mainly because I had no appetite and because, being fat adapted, I can. 

This journey to better health is not easy but it IS possible and doable. It all comes down to staying with whatever way of eating that works for you long term and celebrating small victories along the way. 

While the “big picture” is important, I think sometimes we focus too much on it, and that can be a derailer. We lose sight of the finite details that, when mashed together, make up our successes and failures. Without the details, what’s  left? No progress. 

For example, my big picture, long range  goal is to lose 100 pounds again. That is SO DAUNTING when you say it out loud. Exhausting even. 

 But when I drill down to the detail of what I have accomplished so far, 20.2 pounds lost, this means that I am 20% DONE with that huge goal. 

TWENTY PERCENT! That’s nothing to shake a turkey leg at. That is 1/5th of the way toward my goal. That is a significant number to me, today. 

We also tend to look at HOW LONG everything may take and decide it’s just too long and too hard. Well, I am glad that over 3 months ago I decided enough is enough with my health. Had I not gotten serious when I did, I wonder how much I would have gained this holiday season? I shudder at the thought. 

Let’s step outside of the health realm for a moment and into a financial angle. We have goals this summer of buying a house, so we are saving up as much as we can for a down payment while also trying to clear up a few debts that are left. We follow Dave Ramsey and are hitting the baby steps hard right now. It’s so difficult to save the amount of money we need to have saved by this summer. But we are working on it one step at a time, and one dollar at a time. 

If I decided right now that it would be too hard, what would be the point of trying?

Whether you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you’re right. -Henry Ford

Mr. Ford had the right idea here. When it comes to important goals, stretch goals, we have to focus on the big picture, AND the details. We have to plan, and we have to believe we will meet our goals. 

Because a year from today, I plan to be blogging from our new home, another 80+ pounds lighter. Where do you plan to be? 

You  can do more than you ever thought possible. How do I know? I’m doing it again!


Monday, January 15, 2018

Keep Moving Forward

Hey world!  It's been a solid few months since I have written here, though I have thought about it often.  I'm thankful for having a day off from work to do a few things here and there, catching you up on my fitspiration included!

I'm now in my 14th week of Keto! Very happy to report that I have lost 17.6 pounds in that 14 weeks.  It's not as astounding as one might expect when you have around 100 pounds to lose...but I'm pretty darn happy about it, considering there were THREE holidays during that time that revolve around Candy, Pie and Christmas cookies.  A time of year when some gain 10-20 pounds, I lost 17.6! Not too shabby.

It has been a little bit of a slower go than I anticipated, but it also takes awhile for your body to adjust to a new way of eating, in addition to your mindset.  I jumped into keto loving ALL the cheeses and have realized that, just like in the past, cheese is NOT my friend when I'm trying to lose weight.  SUUUUUCH a bummer but honestly, I am not surprised at all.  I mean, I could have read through my own old blog posts to remember that cheese caused bloating, weight gain, etc for me.  Sigh.  It was fun while it lasted, even if it was a tough change to make. 

That said, I gave up cheese for the first two weeks of the year. Decided to test some with cauliflour pizza this weekend (I get my crusts HERE, I am certain I could make it but who has time?  lol).  Anyway topped with some of my own homemade sauce and fresh full fat mozzarella and pepperoni.  It was GOOD.  And I paid for it for about 24 hours following.  Oh well.  Maybe small amounts or certain cheeses will be ok, occasionally.  For now, though, I'm perfectly content with taking a step back from the dairy, once again.

I've also discovered a few interesting things about Intermittent Fasting. I stalled out weight loss wise which may be around the time I admitted cheese hates me...but also I had been fasting daily until lunchtime.  I also began working out in December.  So I had to tweak a little bit because of that, as well.

I stalled out a tiny bit in the last 4 weeks because of the workouts and figuring out a new normal.  I SEE the physical changes in the mirror but the scale was like NOPE.  lol! I also went through something super fun where my scale one day said I had lost like 8lbs! I was sooo excited until I got back on it and it had gone back up needed new batteries.  Probably the cruelest low battery malfunction! I was not a happy camper.

So I hired a Nutritional Therapist for a review of what I was doing, who specializes in keto/primal/paleo and had a great consult over the phone.  He reviewed where I am right now, my entire health history, and made some recommendations.  I implemented his recommendations this week and dropped 2lbs.  One change was to eat lower carb and only do intermittent fasting on those days I'm not exercising, so like 30g carbs on those days.  And on my lifting days, do 50g carb, higher calories and specifically time carbs for just after my workout - which is perfect for me because it's in the evening.

I literally ate this after my workout Friday night and was 2 pounds down Saturday morning, 4 eggs, 4 slices of bacon, a link of apple chicken sausage, half an avocado and homemade hash browns:

Yeah, I can do this.  :)

The gym - I'm so super stoked about my new workout place. It's about 3 miles from my house and is called Boot Camp Training & Fitness.  I started off doing Kettlebell classes 3 times a week and Boot Camp a few times as well.  Well, my back has told me to back off a little bit, so I'm reducing to Kettlebell M/W/F and then one day of something else, either at the gym or on my own.  I eventually can do 5 days a week, I'm sure, but I have to remember I'm in a soon to be 39 year old 269 pound body so....yeah it will take me some time! And I have time.

Yesterday the extra workout was sprints at our favorite park, which is only first the first half, then we hike the rest of the trail.  It's this gorgeous park in our neighborhood, with a beautiful walking/biking/running trail by a lake. L and I were doing our second sprint when we realized we were going to pass a group of military guys in camo doing a workout of their own. I decided we would make this a longer sprint so we didn't stop to walk right in front of them...and as I was being pleasant and saying good morning, I managed to find a tree root and do a complete face plant!  Yep, some things never change.

Positives - only injury is surface, like the skin on my entire knee...also I jumped back up quickly AND the military group did NOT see me fall, no damage to my cell phone that went flying as well, and I finished the workout (more sprints then a hike, another 2.25 miles).

Negative - ripped my running pants in the knee, scraped the entire skin off of said knee, which is really super annoying, and it's cold out so really hard to cover up a gooey knee constantly. Sheesh.

I have so much more to tell you, but I'm about to leave for my kettlebell class, so I'll leave you with this.  I'm making progress.  One step at a time.  It's happening, albeit slowly, but it's happening.  I feel SO MUCH BETTER now than I did a few months ago.  The weight isn't falling off, but it's coming off, which is the same result, just requires me to be a little more patient that I would like to be. My mobility and strength IS coming back, slowly but surely.  This is all amazing progress.

And to close in the words of the person who is responsible for so much progress in our culture's history:
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”  -Martin Luther King Jr. 

I'm going to keep moving forward.  How about you?


Saturday, October 21, 2017

New Places & Head Spaces

Hey world! What a crazy month it has been.

We moved 3 weeks ago! Hard to believe it's been that long.  We also fought a stomach bug and had to eat out for 10 days. Let's just say I lost my first diet bet - but I'm really glad I did it because I can't imagine how bad off I would have been after the move had I not been focused on something positive for the three weeks prior.

It's funny when your diet changes how much your mood changes, which I definitely felt during the move time.  Goodness eating out that much is expensive, too.

We are just about fully settled in and finding some sort of groove to life in this new town.  Exploring some, making friends, discovering cool things about the city and...this amazing thing I seemed to have forgotten about for awhile - COOKING!

We have a decent size kitchen in the little house we are renting.  The commute to work is super easy, its 5 miles away and traffic isn't too terrible even though I'm working in the heart of downtown. We are enjoying hunting for our dream house (not terribly earnestly now, just seeing what is around) and figuring out where things are.

Y'all. I can get to 2 Publixs within 3 miles.  This is big.  There's also a Whole Foods here!  And 3 Ross Stores.  And 2-3 TJ Maxx's.  And 2 Kohls.  LOL!  Ask me how I know.  Driving around alot.

If you've stayed with me for any length of my journey you will know that my preferred method of eating is paleo.  I love meat and veggies, fruit, healthy fat and volume, most of all.  Paleo is how I ate when I was training regularly and at my strongest and fittest.  I've struggled to find my way back there as I knew I wasn't ready for a Whole 30 per se but also knew I needed to do something with some structure in order to find my way back to healthy.  It's not like turning around and going back the way you came when behind me is an angel baby, a rainbow baby, a job change, two moves and a year of providing complete nutrition to my baby boy.  I can't walk backwards.  But I can pull from my past experience to move ahead positively.

While I have loved my very different Whole 30 experiences (I've completed 10 total), I also know that sometimes you have to shake it up a bit.

I had been reading about ketosis and the effects of a higher fat, moderate protein, super low carb way of eating and it really peaked my interest.  What's important, now matter how you choose to eat, which "way" needs to include food you LIKE.  A grilled chicken and broccoli diet (even though I do love both of those things) if you don't like them, isn't sustainable.  The more I read and researched about Ketosis, the more I wondered if it would do for me what it's done and is doing for a great many people.

Like many things, people sometimes take a "fad" diet or idea that becomes popular and take off down the trails doing it, well, incorrectly.  I found that Mark Sisson, the author of Primal Blueprint and many other books, a long time athlete and leader in the Paleo/Primal arena, was writing a book called the Keto Reset Diet to really explain the science behind the Keto way of eating and how to do it correctly.

Some of the benefits that others have found getting into Ketosis:
- Lost weight (considerable amounts)
- Less hungry overall
- More energy
- More alert
- Sleeping better

And the list goes on.  I need all of those things.  But I was skeptical, really, because a high fat diet goes against everything we've been taught in the Standard American Diet (or SAD) protocols.  Old habits die hard! I was also skeptical because I've always been a volume eater. I like to be able to eat alot and need to in order to be satiated.  I heard about people fasting and I'm like, look, I CAN do that but I don't want to so this should be interesting...

What I have learned is that fat in and of itself (especially good fat from whole food/natural sources) doesn't make you fat. Fast food, does.  Inactivity, does.  The wrong combinations and not enough nutrients can, and will make you feel sick. The goal is not to always have to be super restrictive with carbohydrates.  Mark explains in his book that the goal is to become metabolically flexible.  Where you can have things outside of your normal diet here and there without gaining 10 pounds (my normal experience with cheat days and post whole 30 etc).

So 2 weeks ago I began a metabolic reset diet which has a target of 50g of carbs or less per day.

Y'all.  That's REALLY HARD.  Eventually many experience ketosis on 20g or less of carbs per day.  I'm not sure how I will do that when 50 is hard to stay under. LOL!  But heck, I decided to give it a try.

I've kept my calories around 1800-1900 with a ratio of 65% fat, 25% protein and 10% carb.  I started at 286.6 pounds, so yeah, my calories are higher than your average friend.  Don't get all caught up on the numbers. I tracked around 4 days of the last two weeks, just every now and then to see how I was doing.

Here's what I've experienced so far:
- Lost 9.6 pounds (in 13 days)
- I look different.  My body shape is changing.
- Sleeping much harder.
- Skin is 100% clear and has a healthy glow about it.
- More alert and awake at work, extra productive.
- Amazingly satiated and rarely hungry.

Friends, I'm actually fasting through breakfast on most days.  I may have some black coffee or if I wake a little hungry I have some bulletproof coffee (for me that's a tbsp of butter, coconut oil or coconut butter and a tablespoon of collagen blended up).  There are different schools of thought on whether or not the BPC actually breaks a fast, but I am really enjoying it most days. I did not intend to fast, but have found it easier with my work schedule.  Then I eat my lunch at the regular lunch time, sometimes a snack in the afternoon (raw cashews are my current jam), dinner, and am done eating by 7:30pm or 8pm at the latest.  Then a 15-17 hour fast until the next day's meal. So my eating window is 7-9 hours total.

I'm not certain how much the diet change or intermittent fasting, or what is contributing to the great results so far, but I feel really good and really, truly love what I'm eating, so I'm going to keep on going. I've been trying new recipes and entertaining dairy again in my diet (so weird but it fits) and my family has really enjoyed my cooking.  I will likely tweak the fasting, and my carbs will likely fluctuate as my activity increases, as well.

I walked 3 times this week! Considering I battled a migraine one night this week out of nowhere, I am pretty happy with that. Hoping to walk more next week.

Head on over to my Facebook page for a few food pictures from the week. And you can learn more about the Keto Reset by joining the Facebook group, buying Mark's book, the Keto Reset Diet, and also Mark's Daily apple, his blog.

In the meantime, no matter what way of eating you're embracing right now I hope you are loving it, it's loving you, and you find yourself in a good head space. I'm liking my current headspace, very much.


Sunday, September 3, 2017

Food & Mood...Wanna Bet?

Hey hey!  Hope everyone has had a good week.  My week was insane but very positive, overall.

Here's a recap:

Met with my new doctor on Tuesday and went through the medical history (was a really long appointment - ha!) and we agreed on blood work and scheduled me to come back and get it done on Friday (when fasting).

During the appointment he pointed out my BMI and that it wasn't good.  He actually said "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings."  I laughed and said, "No worries, that's why I am here."

At one point he offered surgery but I declined and told him I also wouldn't be taking any medication if I could help it.  Thankfully my blood pressure is somehow amazing (116/73) even at this weight.  I explained that I had lost 100 pounds before and kept it off for years, then the two pregnancies back to back, depression and a long time of not taking care of myself landed me here.  Again.

So, yeah, I'm not going to take a pill or have surgery.

I'm going to look over these blood work results with him this coming Friday and continue moving forward in this process of saving my own life (again).

I'm going to do what I KNOW to do.

THANK YOU to the many who reached out to me by either calling, texting, or sending me a message on Facebook.  I enjoyed catching up and covet your encouragement - and want to give it in return, as well.  It was a joy to get such a response to being so brutally honest with you all.

The week consisted of alot of travel and time in the car. I did really well with food.  Not stellar paleo but solidly primal with a few small questionable things here and there.

Overall, a few BIG wins this week:

  • No French fries or burgers or milkshakes from drive through windows
  • No dessert of any kind while I was traveling
  • No diet cokes!
  • I took the stairs almost every time in the hotel vs. using the elevator.
  • I walked MILES through our hospitals touring them
  • I made GOOD choices MOST of the time.
  • You may have seen I enjoyed an ice cold kombucha and raspberries on my drive home Friday.  I really really wanted a "treat" and this was the treat I chose!
It wasn't my BEST week in my history of amazing travel weeks, by any stretch.  But that would be comparing to another time in my life.  

For me, right now, with my NEW job, upcoming move, weekly travel and overall crazy schedule... 


And I feel incredibly satisfied with my progress. I managed to lose 4.4 pounds this week. 

Two other things I have to tell you - first, I committed to an official DietBet for the first time.  If you've not heard of it, it's basically a game where you pledge a certain amount of money (in this case $35) and in the four weeks of its duration you have to lose 4% of your body weight in order to earn your $35 back.  This, for me, comes out to about 11 pounds.  I'm already 4.4 pounds on my way, or 39% done.  This DietBet is sponsored by Courtney Crozier Respess, former BL contestant.  She's a super positive person and I've followed her for years.  

This is about as gimmicky as I'll get with weight loss - and it's not even really gimmicky. It's just a challenge to myself to earn my money back.  I did one with my church group online and totally wasn't ready.  I'll probably do another one with them as well simultaneously.  Because what's more motivating then getting your investment back? Ha.  Being healthy, obviously.  

It just seemed like something fun to try.  It definitely has made me think twice when ordering while traveling this week! Will keep you all updated.  Week 1 done!

The other thing I wanted to tell you about was how Food & Mood are connected for me. I've heard my hubby and daughter say before that I'm in a better mood when I eat better.  Yesterday, L expanded on that for me while we were driving.  We had a moment where we had finished shopping and were both super hungry.  I had salmon at home and had already decided I wanted that with green beans for dinner. But here we were, needing to stop at the grocery store still, starving and it was 7pm, AND then still had a half hour drive home then had to cook.  We talked through a few options but I told her I just wasn't strong enough at this point to go to an unplanned dinner out.  I would likely make bad choices.  Plus, we didn't need to spend the extra money when we had a ton of food at home. 

She agreed and told me in the car that I'm nicer when I am eating well.  She said, well while you're eating good food you're pretty much always in a good mood.  When you eat something "bad" you tend to be in a good mood right then, but soon you're feeling guilty or sick and then you're grumpy.


I didn't realize how much food was controlling my moods.  Makes sense, though.  

So we jetted home and I made amazing salmon and green beans for dinner with toasted almonds.  It was SO GOOD.  And this morning woke up lighter and without a tummy ache.

Now I'm off to make some potato soup with chicken (and bacon and broccoli - in coconut milk) and will be having some company later.  I'm excited to catch up with my friends and focused more on that than the food.

This week I'm going to bring my sneakers with me and try to walk at the hotel if I can.  I should be able to make time as I'm checking into one hotel and staying for the rest of the week.  That plus water and continuing to make the best choices I can are on the docket.  I mean, I gotta win that money back! 

Have a healthy week!


Sunday, August 27, 2017

Traveling Light No More

Look, I'm just going to get SUPER real with you today.  Like embarrassingly so.

Let me be super clear, I'm NOT looking for anyone to do any of the following:

  • Argue with me that I'm not fat.  It's the thing your sweet friends do when they want to make you feel better.  Tell you you're not fat.  Dude.  I'm fat.  Right now I truly am.  Trust me, I know.  I'm not attempting to be brash, really, but I feel like I'm allowed to use that word in my current state of fatness, so let's go ahead and be OK with me a) calling it like it is and b) not looking to be coddled.
  • Get upset with me for how direct I'm going to be.  Listen, I've been on BOTH sides of this journey.  I know what it's like to be fit and fat.  So I'm going to talk very directly about this.  Please do not continue reading this blog if you aren't going to be OK with that.  This is really for me, anyway. I'm NOT talking about anyone else.  I'm NOT talking to you. If you take something from it and feel this applies to you, great, I hope it helps.  But I'm not poking fun at anyone.  I'm being super real here.
All of that said, here goes.

I do want to start by saying my week was AMAZING overall.  I really truly enjoyed meeting this new amazing team of people doing some incredible work at my new company.  Part of me is marveling at the fact that I did, in fact, land this job at the heaviest weight I've ever been.  Either my thanks goes to my LLR wardrobe and/or these people are amazing and do not judge you by your exterior.  I'm going with the latter.

Traveling as a fat person is AWFUL.  Like I don't even know how to tell you how awful it is without just plainly recapping the travel part of my last week.  

So if you've been here for awhile you remember a blog post I had some years back when I shared a picture of my airplane seatbelt buckling for the first time following some weight loss.  This was so amazing. I used to hide the seatbelt under my jacket so no one could see it wasn't, in fact, buckled while flying. 

For some reason I don't remember traveling much at this weight, at least not air travel.  Then as I really thought about it I realized, I didn't really fly much at this weight before.  Not something I had realized or planned for, mentally. This was almost like a new experience all over again.  Not one of my better ones, either.

I prayed on my way to the airport last Tuesday that I wouldn't have anyone in the seat next to me.  Because I definitely take up more room than I should right now.  Thankfully, on my first flight it was a newer small plane, so I could actually somehow buckle the seatbelt, and the guy next to me was tall and slim so it worked.  No body parts touching.  Relief!  He was very pleasant to talk to, as well.

My second flight I was again on the aisle, which isn't preferable as you kind of have to hold your body upright in order to not get dinged by the cart when it rolls by.  This plane was smaller and I could not buckle the seatbelt easily. I sat next to a tiny person so that was super helpful.  

The other thing to consider is that using the restroom on the airplane is tough for ANYONE.  It's that much harder at this weight. So I was determined in my two short flights to not need the potty.  Which was great until we were diverted to another airport to land and refuel (because someone whiffed on gassing up the plane???).  This took over an hour.  I thought maybe I would deplane and rent a car but decided driving myself through the mountains wasn't a good idea.  I contemplated getting up to go to the restroom but then remembered how humiliating it would be and decided against it.

Very bad decision.

By the time we took off again we weren't even in the air long enough to get out of our seats much less for a restroom break.  I started to sweat realizing I had to pee really badly. Like so badly my goosebumps had goosebumps and I was having chills.  At one point after we took off the cabin pressure felt strange to me.  I began feeling like I couldn't breathe and was certain the oxygen masks were going to drop at any moment.  My heart was racing.  I glanced around panicked and everyone else looked FINE.  So I realized this was me.  And this, I believe, was my first official panic attack.  Oh, great.  I was in row 23 which means once we finally DID land and taxi'd around what felt like the entire airplane parking lot, I was actually in pain and still a really long time from deplaning. I tried to calm myself down the best I could and breathe and not fully panic. It's funny once the seatbelt sign turns off, it just means you can get up but the door to the plane is still closed, so....where you are going, I don't know.  But everyone gets up.  My bladder was legit throbbing at this point, and I really wondered if I would pass out.  Then the woman in the seat in front of me gets her purse strap caught and it takes others helping her get uncaught. Like 5 minutes of trying to get out of her freaking seat.  When I was finally able to get up, I moved as fast as this tail can move right now and made it somehow to the restroom. 

Look, this could happen to anyone.  But I'm here to tell you that I have never, ever had a panic attack.  And I firmly believe that my size and weight had me so uncomfortable that even breathing was a chore, so combine that with feeling my bladder may explode and I honestly felt like I was going to pass out. 

This has all been contributing to the continued realization of what things NEED to change. It's not like I don't know that they need to change.  Trust me, I do.  But this trip was SO HARD physically on me that it really grabbed my attention.  I actually slept through a good portion of Saturday. In fairness I arrived home at 10pm (after landing I had a 90 minute drive home), and it was a crazy exhausting week, but I went back to bed for a morning nap, took an afternoon/evening nap and then went to bed early.  I was so completely and utterly physically wiped out. This is not the normal I once enjoyed.

Other notable challenges while traveling: 
  • My feet hurt BAD no matter what shoes I'm wearing once I've been on them for a day.  All of this walking around is not easy when you're larger.  My ankles were swollen and my skin felt tight every day.  The most comfortable shoes I owned gave me blisters.  It's not the shoes' fault.  It's my size.
  • I tried to bring limited clothes etc. to save the company some money on checking my bag.  Bad idea.  Thankfully I had JUST enough outfits for the week but I would have felt better with a few more options.
  • I had to divert to a different chair in a restaurant because I saw the ones on the outside row of the table and I definitely do NOT fit in these chairs.  I took the booth side.  You have to be so much more observant but also don't want to make a huge deal of things as it's all quite embarrassing.  
  • I met so many fit people this week.  I know they don't know I was once their size.  Not that many years ago, in fact.  But they met me as fat Clara so that is how they know me, and that is the first impression I made on them.  I will not assume the worst, that people would have made judgments about me.  But I was sitting there judging me.  Thankful that I fit into the conference room chairs.
  • I was too tired after a day of being out, about and "on" to walk a block or two to dinner.  I ate at the hotel the other two nights I was there.
  • My feet hurt too badly to do the workout video I brought with me.  And I wasn't on the first floor anyway so there is no way I could have done that without the front desk calling me for a noise complaint (and this happened to me by the way when I was fit - so you just don't work out unless you're on the first floor).
I remember when I was fit and would travel and saw overweight people in the airport, or anywhere, I felt genuinely sorry for them and it always tugged at my heart.  I remembered how hard it was to maneuver through tight spaces myself.  I remembered how you felt everyone was looking at you, and no one was looking at you at the same time.  How people avoided eye contact with you. It's almost like others are embarrassed for you and if they pretend you are invisible, it's just better for everyone. I would pray for these souls when I saw them, for their health, and for their hearts.  

Man I hope someone prayed for me this week in that same way.  I really really missed Fit Clara while I was huffing and puffing my way through the airport.

So this week was the best of times and the worst of times, right?  I am elated at my new position, new team, new company.  But I am frustrated that it will be awhile before I can be truly comfortable when flying.   And part of me is also hopeful that in my monthly visits to the corporate office over the next few months that I will slowly begin shrinking before their very eyes.  

All of that explained, fat Clara is making a doctor's appointment for sometime hopefully in the very near future.  I'm shooting for this week or next, but also realize that I don't have a primary care doctor, so I may have to wait.  I need a physical and bloodwork which I am sure will tell me what I already know.  I'm in actual physical danger here, and things MUST change.  I can't imagine my heart is very healthy at this moment.  I know the strain my body is under just existing hurts as is.  Maybe the numbers will continue to propel me forward in this fight to find fit Clara. Maybe the threat of medication will be "enough" for me to be fully committed and motivated, and actually deep down believe that I will once again lose this weight, this time FOREVER. 

Thanks for following my story, on the good days and the not so good days. I'm determined to make this a better week and finish this year stronger, healthier and better. 

This isn't just about airplanes, anxiety or being supremely embarrassed.  This is about NOT DYING because I didn't take good care of myself.  

I'm committed to saving my own life, again. I need to be.  I need to keep talking about it and blogging about it until it starts to shape my reality.  As the pieces continue to fall into place over the next month of transition I can feel a storm of commitment brewing and I'm believing it's chock full of discipline, motivation, and all the mojo in the world. I have to believe that.

I have to believe.  I'm not alone.  Love this song by the way I Have to Believe by Rita Springer  

Who's with me?