Thursday, April 26, 2012

Finding My Happy Place

Greetings friends!  It has been way too long since you have had an actual post.  Well, here it is.  I won't give you the typical excuses that I've been too busy, too tired or whatnot.

I have literally had nothing to say.

OK, pick your jaw up off the table, I am definitely a talker.  I'm an encourager, I can talk to anyone about anything for any amount of time.  This is true. 

But this one thing that I have been so "sure" of, so "on target" with, my weight loss journey, has taken a serious and tough turn over the last six months.  In looking back over 2012, I realized I have had less "good" weeks than "bad" weeks.  I define good and bad as follows:

Good week: eating well and clean 90% of the time, exercising 5-6 days/week.
Bad week: eating poorly most of the time, drinking diet coke again, losing control, not planning and taking more rest days than necessary.

I can complain until kingdom come about the LONG plateau I have been stuck in.  I'm smaller in size than I have ever been (a size 10 mostly with some 12s) but I am weighing around 190 these days.  And not because I have been doing everything right.

I kept having these mini-epiphanies, like maybe if I try this or do that differently, I will get it together.  I definitely realized that I wasn't eating enough for awhile there and while going back to eating more helped, I once again slipped out of control with the "what" I was eating...and once again found myself feeling like crap, angry at myself and gaining/losing the same 5 freaking pounds I've toyed with for awhile.  The mini-epiphanies were NOT working.  What the heck?

Again, my body is smaller and more compact...but how great would I look and feel if I was completely back on track?  Something has been way off in my head and my heart.

My great friend Jessica posted a very thought provoking blog last week that really began me thinking seriously about needing a recalibration.  You can read it here.  She referenced a scripture from the book of Revelation, Chapter 2 v 5: "Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first..."  

I really needed that.

This has been swirling around in my head ever since. I have really needed to go back to where I was.  Because at some point I was in a really good place.  I was really strong.  I had resolve of absolute STEEL!  What has happened to me?

So I've gone back to the beginning.  In the last 24 hours I've read most of my blog over again.  Went WAY back to the beginning.  Laughed at myself...cried with myself...reminding me of where I have been and how far I have come.  I really think if my "then" self were speaking to my "now" self I would be YELLING!  WHAT THE HECK?  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?  YOU WERE DOING SO GOOD!  I HAVE NOT WORKED THIS HARD AND COME THIS FAR TO GIVE UP!  GET UP YOU MORON!

Ok, well maybe not yelling.  But I would be encouraging me.  To keep on going. 

I've re-read my blog posts every now and then just to take a trip down memory lane.  Today, I read my blog as if I were just a visitor or friend of mine, not actually me.

I felt an old familiar stirring in my heart a few minutes ago when I finished reading about my 2011 journey and all I had accomplished.  A glimmer of excitement.  A feeling that reminded me of what kept me fueled on before.  I began to have hope again.  My eyes are filling up just considering it.

In reviewing my previous "works I did at first" I think I may have cracked this shell of confusion I've been curled up in.  This pit of regression has been confusing and frankly, ridiculous.  The people who know me and see me all the time seem puzzled by it.  One co-worker today told me today to stop drinking diet coke.  Another one asked me what was going on...I'm supposed to be the good example for everyone! 

Right now I'm sitting here dying of thirst as I've only had about 40 ounces of water (I usually drink 120!). You know why I didn't get up early this morning to run?  Because my stomach was queasy from eating crappy food for the last week.

Stick a fork in me.

This chick is DONE.

There is absolutely no good excuse for me to be so off track and so far away from where I've been.  Sure, I've traveled alot, but the first 2 years of my journey had me on the road a great deal and I still managed to make healthy food choices, exercise regularly, and lose weight.

It can be done.  So now that I have no major travel coming up until mid-May, I have a few weeks to set things straight in my mind, then really plan how I will be behaving on that trip.

The things I did before looked a little like this, and now I'm turning it into an acronym to take with me:

Plan - plan my meals, my activity, etc.
Rest - get at least 8 good hours of sleep per night.
Enjoy - I love running.  I love working out and feeling strong.  I enjoy making good choices in light of some not so good ones.  I'm going to bask in the things I found joy in before once again.
Pray - I cannot do this in my own strength (obviously!).

PREP.  That's right.  That's my new motto.  I have to PREP if I am going to make it to my ultimate goal.

I'm going to reset my goals soon.  One baby step back into it at a time here. We have alot of uncertainty going on in our personal lives right now, and I'm going to take the advice of a very wise friend of mine and focus on the things I know I have a say in, or control over.

Huge thanks to my friend Jess who picked me up off the proverbial floor with her encouraging message to me today.  We met through my blog and you have encouraged me more than you know with your own blog, journey and friendship.  I am so thankful God has put you in my life!

Thank all of you for not chewing me out when I've failed you.  I have come to realize a leader cannot truly lead and inspire people and not also be true to themselves and honest about their failings.  If I have learned nothing else from this experience it is that I have to continue to be real, no matter how hard or disappointing that can be at times.

But I have this sneaking suspicion by that old familiar feeling in my heart right now that we won't be seeing as many disappointing posts for awhile.