Pause...

Whaaaa?????

I'm back!  Haven't really been gone, not completely.  But definitely needed a break from the counting, tracking, picture making, blog writing streak I was on.  See, this is where I prove that I'm not a super human.  My crazy work travel schedule, busy ministry life and quest to be the healthiest I can be sometimes catches up to me.

I was pushing myself HARD to hit that goal of getting into the 170s.  I'm so glad I did.  Now I know there is such thing as pushing yourself too hard. While I don't feel I did that exactly, I felt the walls closing in on me and I had to stop (collaborate and listen, not in the name of love this time - ha!).  I had to reassess.  I had to have a break.  I had to offroad some.  Enjoy some treats.  Not count a dad-gum thing for awhile.  And that's what I did.  For a few meals/days in the last two weeks.

And here I am.  Well back into the 180s.  Nauseated, bloated (like literally, my stomach is puffy!) fur growing on my teeth (that sugar coated feeling) and completely shocked that even though I off-roaded quite a bit the last 5 days (trickling down from a few indulgences a week the few weeks prior), I still managed to do something active and/or work out EVERY DAY!  WOW!

Let's go over that.  Started the Gamma phase of T25.  First, I have to celebrate that I finished 10 weeks of the first two phases of T25.  I could not believe I did that.  Huge huge accomplishment.  I saw great results from the program, got so much stronger, my body began to really lean out.  Then I started realizing that it may not be just 14 pounds left.  It may be more like 20-30.  That was a little staggering.  I thought I was so close!  But looking at my body I can honestly say I don't think I'm as close as I thought. (the funny part is, people comment that I already look like I'm at my ideal weight.  No, friends, I just know how to dress my shape and hide the bulges.  They are there!  Stephen knows though I'm blessed he would never point them out!  lol).

That final week of the 10 weeks, I only lost .2 of a pound.  That was SO disappointing!  Especially on the heels of coming to the realization that my goal may be more like 150 something instead of 165 which I have shot for this ENTIRE journey.  Additionally, it was one of the weeks I had tracked EVERY gram of protein, every morsel, every thought of food!  AH!  How in the world? 

Interestingly, I was still in the 170s.  And...uh...it was my bloat week.  Hello???  But I allowed it to get to me.  Really really get to me.  Way more than I should.  Which again, once again, seriously, proves that so much of this is completely mental and you can talk yourself INTO our OUT OF your own successes.

Even with the encouragement of my fellow renegades, friends, and the pictures that were showing me the changes I've made in the last few months, I still allowed that to discourage me a little.  Or alot.  Enough to make me kinda blue.  And kinda emotional.  And kinda craving stupid food that didn't really make me feel any better at all. 

It was then I decided to take a break.  From blogging, from taking pics of my food, from logging every single thing I ate and ultimately, from Whole 30.  I still ate W30 probably 90% of the next week, but that started sliding down to 80% the week after that until I hit a 5 day slide of sugar every single day.  We all know what happens with that.  I'll have this one treat.  OK, I'll have one treat meal.  OK, now I'll have one treat DAY.  And ok, might as well start on the first, so a few treat days.  And the sugar dragon woke up, consumed my brain and settled comfortably where my brain used to be.

Hello, Mud Mountain, remember me?  I've slid down you before.

It wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. 

Some interesting things I  noticed this time around.

1) I have not felt horrible about myself.  I've felt physically bad, but not emotionally bad.  I don't like seeing my puffy gut in the mirror, don't get me wrong.  But I tried to really fully enjoy every treat I had.  And I did.  But I also missed my healthy food when it wasn't available.  Funny, huh?

2) I ate less of each item than I normally would have.  This is really an interesting realization.  Yesterday our church had homecoming, and if you've ever been to a baptist church homecoming you know that there is a TON of food from all kinds of amazing southern cooks.  It was dessert I was really looking forward to (though the maple bacon wrapped green beans were amazing).  I hit the dessert table and had a half a piece of chocolate pie, which I ate about 2/3 of, a brownie with marshmallow/chocolate on it, which I ate 2 bites of, and a piece of chocolate cake in which I ate the frosting off of it only.  Yeah, alot of junk, but I actually threw a bunch of it away too.  Very uncharacteristic of me.  But a good sign.

3) Nothing, not ONE thing I indulged in, tasted as good as I recalled in my food memory.  This was a fantastic discovery, as I will likely crave these indulgences WAY less next time around. 

4) Normally, I would have ended up so off plan I wouldn't be able to work out.  I not only worked out EVERY day in some form or fashion, I had extra workouts too.  Ran 5k on Sunday morning (to prove I still could) and discovered not only can I still run 5k, but I did so with zero training prep, and while my IT band was unhappy in the last 1/4 mile, holy cow, who else can say they haven't run in 2 weeks at ALL and haven't run 5k since July and can go eek one out like that?  SLOOOOW but ran the whole way.  Pretty stoked about that.  I feel like that just proves my cross training has not only made me stronger, but maintained my fitness level if my running is still in a decent place. 

5) While I did seize certain opportunities, I did not seize every opportunity to indulge.  So here it is - I traveled for work last week and was particularly exhausted.  When I'm tired, I'm way less likely to make good choices.  Example 1: I purchased 2 dozen hot and fresh krispy kreme donuts for the group I was doing team building with that morning.  Said donuts rode in my car for over an hour.  Breakfast at the hotel had been crappy.  And I didn't eat one.  Wasn't even tempted.  Sipped my black coffee while I drove and almost forgot they were next to me.  That day at lunch I was offered my favorite, all time dessert.  Pumpkin Cheesecake.  Oh my.  Covered in pralines and caramel. It sounded absolutely amazing.  But it won't be the last time I will have pumpkin cheesecake available to me.  I politely declined.  YEAH!

6.  I need accountability with my nutrition.  I don't know if that means forever.  It might be another 2 months.  It might be another 2 years.  I'm not willing to put a timeline on it.  I'm going to do it for as long as I need to do it.  Period.  Because doing whatever it takes to be successful is what this whole thing is about.  And I'm committed to seeing this journey through.

So I don't count everything in the last few weeks as a loss.  Did I gain weight?  Duh, yeah.  I gain weight if YOU eat a cinnamon roll, remember?  Ha. 

But I also gained some perspective.  And that will last longer than this wheat belly will.

Today I ate better.  Today I began to detox.  Today I ordered my FitBit (finally!).  Today I took pictures of my food.  Today I purposefully drank water like it was my job.  Today I worked out hard, even though it was my least favorite workout yet in the entire program. Today was a success.

Now to get about 100 today's to be more like today and less like yesterday, that, my friends, will equal certain success.

Still not sure I will start tracking my food again.  I may when the Fitbit comes in, depends on how easy it is to do.  And how I'm feeling.

Will keep you posted.  Thanks for following me through the ups, downs and everything in between.  It means alot.

Clara