So this has been a challenging few weeks for me. I can't exercise like I was before I fell and badly sprained/slightly fractured my ankle on February 19th. I have a cast on my leg almost up to my knee. It is supremely irritating but I know it will help me heal more quickly. I get the cast off on Tuesday March 16th. I can't wait! I'm hoping and praying I will be able to at least start walking a little bit for exercise soon.
I have two "skinny girl" moments I need to share with you. But first, let me add the disclaimer that I am not looking to be "skinny." That isn't the point of this journey. The point is to get to the healthy weight my body is best at...and I couldn't even tell you today how far away that is because I haven't decided on a final number yet.
So on the skinny girl moment #1...I went to lunch last week on my birthday with one of my best friends at work, who happens to drive a BMW Z4 convertible. If you've ever seen one of these cars, they are spiffy, and TINY. I had a moment of panic - would I fit in this car? I highly doubted it. Hondas are uncomfortable since they aren't made for large j-lo type taters like mine... I told my friend nervously that if I didn't fit in the car, we could take mine, which was a few spaces down.
I opened the door and slid in and waited to realize it wasn't a fit. Then I realized I did fit. I grabbed the seatbelt, easily buckled it, and for a moment was a little bit giddy and excited.
You see, when I flew on a business trip last year for work, I couldn't buckle the airplane seatbelt around my waist, which was embarassing. I would hide it under my sweater or shirt in order to fool the stewardess and would sweat bullets hoping no one offered me a seatbelt extender.
So to slide effortlessly and comfortably into this tiny person car really excited me.
Next skinny girl moment - a great work friend returned from maternity leave and we had a meeting this week. She arrived at the meeting, we hugged and then as we walked into the meeting room she said "You look so skinny, wow!" That absolutely made my day. She asked how much I had lost and I shared with her. It truly felt great to hear it, especially from someone who looked great herself having just had a baby a few months ago!
There have been a lot of mini-wins along the way.
When I hurt my ankle, before I had the crutches, I found a quick way to get around my house - I would hop on my good leg, simulating jump rope using my arms as leverage. Man, I was fast. Talk about achieving muscle failure in your good leg tho - then you're out of luck. I could never have done that a year ago today.
I'm really getting a charge out of amazing myself and its almost like I'm pulling a rubber band against its nature to snap back to its original place. I'm so strong it just keeps stretching. Its almost like I spent so much time being morbidly obese that I thought there was no way I could ever again accomplish a feat like even walking 2 miles...and soon I will be running it. The empowerment you get from the little things at first - clothing being more roomy, making good choices day to day, and conquering your own insecurities is enough to keep you going for the times you fit into that tiny car and someone exclaims that you are "skinny" (which is funny - I wonder if I told her I weigh 242 pounds how shocked she would be then? lol).
By nature, I'm not a very confident person. I have confidence in certain things. My faith, my relationships, my ethics, and things that I know that I know. (say that 10 times fast). But when it comes to believing I had what it took to take control of my health...until now I could never have told you I *would* do it. I would have said I wanted to do it. I should do it. I wish I could do it.
But now I AM doing it. Amazing? I think so. What's the difference this time? Why is this "program" working? Here's what I think...
1) its not a program. not a "diet" where I can fall off the wagon then eat the wagon and the horse.
2) I love the way I feel now - and it didn't take long to feel better than I did when my nutrition and activity were severly lacking.
3) I decided to do it. When I say decided, I am really using that word strongly. Its not that I made a fly by night decision or that there was any hemming or hawing going on. I made a passionate, intense decision to change my life. And every day I am deciding to stay on the journey and not look back, except to reflect on what I have accomplished.
Since I can't "do" much now, I am just continuing to eat like I have been. There really isn't much pressure there to do any different. I've conquered and beaten down the french fry gremlin enough times that now I can't even stand the smell of the grease now. I am not worried about backsliding into past poor nutritional behavior even with this inactivity.
But man, do I ache to exercise.
Wait, did I just say that? Giddy. Again. I saw a picture of a girl running and literally had a stirring in my heart today. I can't wait to get back out there and do something, anything. Hobbling around is quite annoying.
So I plan to really try to let my ankle heal...so no high heels for me for awhile. I'm a little sad about this, and a little excited too. They hurt my feet so bad, but man are they cute. :) I'm excited to give these new flat shoes a chance.
I've been SO sluggish these last 2 weeks. Exhausted. Which is crazy since I usually exercise way harder than just gimping around. Amazing how it takes using energy to create more.
Right now, where I am sitting, I am putting one foot in front of the other. Granted, I'm a little gimpy right now, and really no shoes are even with my sneakers, but I am not going to let this injury stop me from reaching my goals.
I WILL get back to exercise (after listening to the doctors orders of course).
I WILL reach 100 pounds lost this year (may adjust my September goal based on the lack of exercise)
I WILL continue to treat my body like the blessing it is.
I WILL continue to learn about nutrition and tweak my eating as I see fit.
I WILL continue to share with others about my journey in the hopes it can help someone else.
I WILL run a 5k without stopping in 2010.
At the end of each day, when you have a chance to reflect on your day, and the decisions you made for your health, are you glad you did what you did? If it wasn't so great, do you love yourself enough to do better tomorrow? I have had to forgive myself for the times I have failed at taking good care of myself, and then made a life-long commitment to never go back there again.
One foot, hobbling around, in front of the other will get me to where I am going. Eventually.