So today I turned 32 years old. Two years ago when I turned 30, it was really depressing. Partly, I think, because I was also almost 300 pounds, had no clothes that fit me and felt terrible about myself. Today was pleasantly different. It felt pretty good actually. I ran 4 miles this morning. I wore a cute dress to work. I'm stronger and on my way to being in better shape than I have ever been in my life. How cool is that?
As you may remember, I had a birthday goal of reaching "Onederland." As I approached the scale this morning I was pretty sure I was not going to reach my goal of 199.8. Some water retention coupled with a bad choice at dinner Friday night really had me wondering...
Well, the results are in. {insert long drum roll here please}
200.2 pounds today.
Just .4 away from my goal of 199.8. I'm pretty happy with that! I may not have "achieved" my goal perfectly, but I did lose 6.6 pounds this month which is pretty good for me. Overall I've lost 84.8 pounds. Not bad!
So Friday night - lets address that. I had some things happen at work that rocked my world a little bit - and pushed me into a bit of a funk. My husband and I had a date planned and I wanted to just pick up a meal from the Chinese restaurant and share it at home - so eating the fat loaded food wouldn't be that bad since I was only eating half a meal. He really wanted to eat at the restaurant so off we went - and thus I overate. I can't blame him. I know better. So, since I have lost almost 85 pounds and I totally know better, what the heck happened?
It could be a few things.
Self-loathing and self-sabotage for starters. I have struggled with these my entire life. It's like I get in my own way of being successful, healthy, happy because I doubt I can get there. Or I doubt I deserve to be there. Which is completely ridiculous and I have to remind myself of how far I've come. I get almost this "what's the point" attitude when I'm in a funk or feeling down. Emotional eating was *always* an issue for me and is a huge part of how I got to be, well, huge. I'm allowed to say that, just in case you were wondering.
I know consciously how successful my journey has been. How hard I have worked to get to where I am today. How amazing it is to have done it the more challenging way, slow, steady and with determination and dedication...and tons of sweat. It is nothing to shake a turkey leg at, that's for sure.
But I am beginning to realize that I will always always fight obesity in my mind. I will always struggle with feeling like I deserve to look good and more importantly, feel good. I may always see myself as larger than I am. I was that person for a lot longer than the person I've become in the last 18 months. I need to respect and understand that a complete change of outlook on things takes time. While I have come a long way mentally, I'm not totally "fixed" yet. I may never be.
Once I reach my goal weight its not like I plan to stop exercising or drop running or not pay attention to my food any longer. The way I eat and my exercise is now part of my lifestyle and I will always need to, and want to do those things. I've come to terms with that and I'm good with it. You don't lose weight in order to get temporarily skinny, then stop being healthy as soon as you get to your goal weight and gain it all back. That, my friends, is an utter waste of time. But we've all done it, right?
I think I needed this to happen on Friday night so I could refocus and see a new perspective. I can't be perfect all of the time. But I'm WAAAY better than I was. And the changes I've made - while permanent - don't make me perfect in any way.
So keep that in mind regardless of your battle or struggle. Makes me think of that song "Everybody Hurts...sometimes." I may seem to have figured it all out with my successes and the amazing "aha" moments I've had along the way that I've shared here on this blog and with you individually. But I am still human. I am still a girl with a compulsive eating disorder. I am still unsure of myself, lacking confidence in many things. I still hurt sometimes, and in turn, hurt myself by reverting back to old behaviors. However brief these episodes are...they are still a painful reminder of what I did to myself in the first place. I never want to lose myself like that again. And I won't.
The good news? I am no longer a slave to that lack of confidence. 99% of the time I make way better choices than I did during that meal. Today I'm that much more determined to continue on this path to reach my goal. And determined to continue to inspire you to go after your goals. I am just like you and if I can do this, you totally can.
We are not that different, you and me.
I'm off to get some rest...need some good sleep if I'm going to reach Onederland in this next week!
~Clara
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