Saturday, June 2, 2012

It Ain't Easy, But it's WORTH IT!

So many things I've been pondering lately.  This, as usual, will lead to a series of ideas, proclamations and determined statements.  Take them for what they are worth to you. :)  Maybe you will find a nugget of truth below to inspire you to start, stop or continue something.

I recently found my eating habits unrecognizable, in the form of sugar, diet coke, chocolate, you name it, I ate it.  Starting with "just a bite" here and there, and it turned into a full, backward slide down mud mountain, really ending up in a tumble and face plant.  (you can read more about my Mud Mountain theory here.)

As I'm picking myself up and dusting off my cheeks (I said face plant folks), I'm realizing and reiterating some things to myself that I "should" know. 

No matter what I have learned or already know, I am an addict.  Not just to food, I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying food, or even being a "foodie" which I would consider myself as well.  But certain foods I am addicted to are toxic to me.  They cause me to feel bad, literally and figuratively, and like a drug, call me to eat more to fill the painful spots I've caused by my own poor choices.  It's a cycle of self-defeat that creates nothing prosperous for me, only misery.

People who say losing weight is easy are just insane or have never truly struggled with their weight...while it might be logically "easy," if you suffer from the addiction piece it makes it a constant struggle and is anything but easy to work through. 

Since smokers don't "need" cigarettes to live, alcoholics don't "need" to drink alcohol, but food addicts NEED food to survive, I truly think its the most difficult of all addictions to conquer.

Deep, huh?

To start my battle with this addiction (again), I've decided to fast from sugar, diet coke, etc. for a period of time.  I'm not going to decide how long, I'm just going to see how I feel long term and not go "there" until I'm strong again.  I need my will of steel back.  If you know me, you know this doesn't mean that I will be eating sugar free crap or fake food to fill the void.  I'll be eating mostly clean, healthy foods.  If it doesn't have a mama and God didn't make it, I won't eat it.

Just a few days off of sugar again and fruit tastes almost too sweet.  I love how quickly our bodies adjust again.

My weight has crept up over the last few months, and as of one day this week I was back up to 198. I know, gasp with me, trust me, I was FREAKING out (my low was 182 so far so this was up 16 pounds!!!).  I do think I was a bit bloated due to antibiotics and steroids given to me to shake a nasty cold/sinus infection as I was already down to 192 this morning after my run.  I'm ready to meet the 180s again and hope to sweep through them into the 170s before the end of the summer.

I'm trying now to focus mainly on being healthy again.  Treating my body well again.  Not eating crap.  Realizing I am worth waaaay more than all the sugary treats in the world.

We leave for vacation in a few days, and fortunately we will be staying with family who eat very healthy.  I am so thankful for that.  I'm praying I can keep my water intake and activity way up while we're traveling. 

I'm going to dig more into this addiction stuff too while I'm away.  I want to really understand how I can prevent myself from continually stepping into the same sugar white quick sand.

In the meantime, thanks for standing with me, friends.  I could not do this without your prayers and support!  I will tackle this addiction once and for all.  But I am realizing that no matter how strong I become, how many battles I win, I will always be at war with the toxic enemy (i.e. sugar).  I am working on becoming OK with that.



Anonymous said...

Such an interesting theory about food addiction, so true, you need food to eat so it's not like you can just avoid it entirely!! For what it's worth, you're not the only one sliding down mud mountain :) I skipped my weekly Biggest Loser weigh-in at work because I knew I had competition couldn't stand to see my name in last place. Some days I think I'll never get back to my pre-pregnancy weight but it's 100% my fault, not the babies...

Anonymous said...

That comment was Jenny H. by the way :)

jrae83 said...

Thank you for this post! It's exactly what I've been going through as well. I'm a stress eater and I've realized over the past few weeks that it's something I haven't fully conquered. The stress of moving and Ryan's upcoming departure for boot camp has done a number on my eating habits but then again, I've let it. I used excuse after excuse for why I was eating so poorly and the problem is that once you start down that road, as an addict, it's hard to stop. The more I've eaten crap, even though I've felt bad for it, the more I've wanted it. Luckily, I'm only up 3 pounds but still, I had to work extremely hard to lose that last 4 so I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I'm hoping to just make it through until Ryan leaves and then really refocus on myself! Praying for you friend. Pray for me too! :)

ClaraB said...

Jenny, so good to hear from you. I completely understand! And I'm sure you're exhausted having two little ones in the house. I love how you didn't want your name at the bottom of the list; I get it completely! Maybe you can set up your own competition with yourself...some goals that you have to meet that others don't see?
Jess, I'm glad I'm not alone, but not glad you are struggling too! Maybe we can support each other more now while you're here. you just need to become a morning exerciser, ok? LOL. :)

Robin said...

Hi Clara

I am sorry for your struggles, but at the same time it is nice to see that you are indeed human :) I too am a food addict...I am just trying to figure out to what? I am not a big sugar/sweets person, but I think it is junk/processed foods. I love to eat out, and think home cooking is bland. So maybe processed foods and restaurant foods are better because they are salted to death! In Bob Harper's new book, Skinny Rules, he talks about breaking our addiction with salt. One of the few books I have read that actually addresses this issue. Now I have something to work on and figure out. Keep up the good work Clara!

gjsarah said...

most 12 steppers i know refer to themselves as "being in recovery" or "a recovering (fill in the blank). i guess you're done when you die and you're healed from everything, or you start over again (depending on your world view). I think a food addiction is more like something you have to manage, like a chronic illness. drugs? don't need 'em to live. alcohol? don't need it to live. food? sigh...

ClaraB said...

thanks ladies, for all the comments. it is true that being an addict stinks sometimes but admitting it was important to begin with. Now the managing, since "healing" may not be in the cards. :)