Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Break, a Battle and Boots

Well, folks, here I am again - sans pictures.  PLEASE forgive me.  I need to take some but my mornings are hectic enough as it is!  Maybe tomorrow...or maybe Friday as I don't plan on running in the morning that day.

I haven't posted since my Pause...or break from exercise for a week. 

I honestly thought I would go stir crazy that 7 days off.  I was absolutely dying to do something, anything.  I stopped myself from hitting the floor in my office to do pushups one day.  It wouldn't have hurt, but once I start something a certain way, I like to finish it as planned.

And finish it I did.

The I had a glorious run the following Sunday.  It felt wonderful to be back out there! 

Please know, in a million years, I never imagined I would *miss* exercising.  I thought, 2 years ago, that I could die happy with my butt firmly planted on my sofa.  I really, honestly, truly missed my exercise and the wonderful endorphins, and sleep, that come along with doing it regularly.

I was sleepy, grumpy and downright fidgety!  I stayed up later and didn't sleep as well.

So it took me about a week to recover from my "reset."  How ironic is that?  BUT I think it worked.

After reaching 100 pounds down at the end of August, September was a battle between the same 3 pounds.  I lost it, I gained it.  I lost it again, gained it again.  It was really annoying as I kept dipping below the 100 pounds mark which was NOT cool. 

I got back to 100.2 down last weekend (yay) and then today am down another .8.  FINALLY. The scale is moving again.

I'm just now back to my regularly scheduled activity.  Some other life things have gotten in the way.  I took a good 3 weeks total off of Zumba (wow, did I miss that!) due to my knee then my rest time, and had my first night back tonight.  It was awesome!  I think I might need to get help to make it to my bed as I feel myself stiffening up but wow, I am glad to be back at it.  Also, my daughter started soccer games and since they are 2 towns away from where I work (really 3 if you count 2 smaller towns in between!) I have to leave early from work to make it to one game per week.  I also traveled for more than half of last week though I did my duty and tested out the hotel treadmill one morning.  I did a hill workout for the first time.  Holy CANOLI!  It kicked my tail.

I have to tell you, eating has been an interesting battle for me lately.  I've found myself having "aha" moments again.

You might wonder, after 2 years and a month of healthy living/eating/consistent weight loss, why in the world do I need to still have "aha" moments?

Because I'm not "fixed" people. 

Am I likely to gain 100 pounds back?

No.  Because I lost it so slowly.  And I got rid of all my fat clothes.  :)

But could I stop right here, at 184 and not lose another pound and battle the same 5 pounds FOREVER?


It's almost harder not "looking" fat anymore.  I look semi-normal.  Since so many Americans are overweight I guess I look even more normal than I would have were it 1980 when we were healthier as a whole.  So because I don't have to shop plus sizes and I can wear designer jeans, it is THAT MUCH HARDER to stay focused.

This reset came at a great time.  I needed rest, time to think, and the opportunity to get underneath the things that have been making it hard for me in September to lose even a freaking pound!

I was talking to a co-worker yesterday as I needed to be talked out of going and snacking on a treat we had in the office - double-dipped chocolate coated peanuts.  I desperately needed immediate help and accountability.  I don't really like those and they aren't dark chocolate.  But a few weeks ago, I ate half a bag of chocolate coated pecans.  Completely unnecessary but they were there! UGH.

As we were talking about it, we discussed a bunch of stuff about food, etc.  Next thing you know, I wasn't even thinking about the peanuts.

I've been allowing myself just a bit of this here and there, and that is ok.  But it had gotten out of control and I found myself eating desserts several times a week.  And all kinds of stuff, not even things I really like.  I'm a chocolate girl, so why was I going after other junk?

I forgot how good and empowering it felt to say "no thank you" and walk away.  How triumphant it was to lose weight the week of Thanksgiving, 2 years in a row when people normally gain.  To end each year the last 2 years with less weight on me than I began it with.

Avoiding those chocolate peanuts was empowering.  Today they didn't even taunt me.  But I had other issues to face - a buffet.  I went to a lunch meeting and the options were spaghetti with meat sauce (white pasta), chicken fettuccine alfredo, garlic toast and sauteed vegetables. 

I had a very small (maybe 1/8 of a cup) of pasta with meat sauce, then a tiny serving of the fettuccine bread and a huge helping of veggies.  In hindsight, I should have just opted for the veggies and poured the meat sauce on top.  Ah, hindsight.

There was a dessert on the table as well - a pudding looking creamy thing with pineapple and some kind of graham crust at the bottom.  A friend tried it and told me it was lemon.  That was easy for me to avoid.

And yet it taunted me.

You see, I will always battle food addiction.  Giving in to temptation, eating too much, and eating poorly feels good for the moment.  The after effects are terrible.

But most "sin" feels good. I just happen to be recovering from gluttony.

It's such a gross word, but it is absolutely true.

My friend Jessica recently wrote in her blog about getting her groove back.  Check it out here:  Jessica's Blog.  Something she says in it clicked for me.  She was talking about eating dark chocolate every day and how that seemed to stave off cravings.

I have gotten out of the habit of eating my dark chocolate!  Gasp!  It makes so much sense.  When I gave it up earlier this year for 40 days, it was TOUGH and I found myself craving all kinds of strange stuff - food (or junk pretending it is food - haha) of all types, the nastier and greasier the better.  I remember thinking that fast in the long run wasn't good for my health - and you would think it would be giving up something like chocolate.

But if dark chocolate every day has helped me lose 101 pounds, then why have I gotten out of the habit?

Well, I stopped keeping it at work.  Because as soon as things got stressful I could mow through half a bag of dark chocolate kisses.  Then I stopped eating it at home.  I just got out of the habit.

And healthy habits, my friends, is how it is done.  A combination of healthy habits that is.  And sometimes just breaking one habit can throw everything off kilter.

Trust me.  I needed a V8 in September something fierce.

I know I say this over and over again, but I am so thankful for the learning along the way in this journey.  I feel so much more empowered and ready to fight the next battle every time I win one.  I can rethink my strategy, alter my game plan, and get back out on the field.

The other option is giving up and being happy with my "overweight" BMI and mostly normal looking body.

Nah.  I'm excited to keep peeling the layers back.  And I'm that much stronger and determined to WIN this weight loss war once and for all.  I don't know if I'll go down 1 or 2 more sizes.  20 or 30 more pounds.  It all just depends on how my body feels, what my body fat is and how I feel about how I look.

It definitely won't be dependent on whether or not I can zip a pair of stupid boots up my calves.  My calves are 15.5 inches wide and rock SOLID (yes, I promise a picture!).  There is hardly ANY fat on that part of my leg.  But it appears that knee high boots, or even calf height boots are made for 12 inch calves or smaller.  NOT cool.  I'm on the hunt for wide calf boots (and by the way, I tried on a pair claiming to be for wide calves - yeah, no).  I do own a pair that do fit me, fortunately, but I want a brown pair and they are black.  If anyone has good recommendations please hook me up and I'll share it with my followers who are in similar plights.

Maybe we'll start a club.  From Cows to Calves or something like that.

All that said, this sista is not done yet. I'm just getting started.  Because even when I reach my goal I won't be "done."  I'm in this fight for the long haul, as long as I am breathing.  And now I can say I'm fighting it even harder than before.  I'm that much stronger.

Who's with me?



Anne said...

It's so funny to read this post. I was just admiring my calves earlier today. It's the one spot on my body right now that I can really see the muscles clearly! I don't wear boots that go over them, but I surely would be in the same boat. :)

ClaraB said...

haha! If they are 15 inches or more you will be! I love the way my calves look, especially when I'm wearing heels...this boots thing is going to be the death of me! haha.